Tuesday, February 9, 2016

FAT TUESDAY: Mardi Gras 2016

It's Fat Tuesday bitches readers and readerettes!
Well, let's face it, every Tuesday around here is Fat Tuesday.

It has been too cold to sit on my azz around minister on the beaches. Swimmers and surfers are few these days.

So Father D has been locked in my semi eremetical cell
(aka the padded room on Four South at the Archbishop Milingo Mental Health and Marriage Encounter Institute.) Father has been given a special assignment with the ICEL (International Committee for Esperanto in the Liturgy) tasked with translating the latest edition of the Roman Missal into Esperanto. It's a useless job and Father is the most qualified to do it.

So, tomorrow begins the Great Fast. Well for you Latins it begins tomorrow. For most Eastern Catholics, it began yesterday. (If you ever have a chance to attend a Maronite Ash Monday liturgy, make sure you do. Beautiful!  But I digress.)

Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow begins a season of penance, fasting and abstinence.

No no, Father is not giving up blogging for Lent. I can't afford to! The lean days come more and more frequently!  REMEMBER....Part of fasting is alms giving. Yes! The money you don't spend on food should be given to this priest the poor!  So fork it over. Amazon, PayPal or postal money order, please. (Seems the IRS has taken an interest in Fathers bank accounts, so let's keep the cash flowing sub voce and sub radar, eh?)


  1. He can deduct all of his trips as business expense.
    He has to pick up those vestments in Rome, in person. There is no mail delivery service between Rome and Madison.

  2. Lent is coming!
    Get your Ash in Church!

  3. Father Zed is talking about fasting and plugging Mystic Monk coffee. It is hilarious.

  4. Fasting is for the little people.

  5. What kind of parent wants their kid to attend Wyoming Catholic College? From what I can tell from its site, it is not yet accredited and uses a parish elementary school and a barbershop as its academic facilities. How homeschool-delusional do you have to be?

    1. I was thinking the same thing!
      It looks, frankly, terrible.
      To get a hint of the real student experience, observe the shortened wall at the head of the bed in this dorm room photo:
      Now, I could be reading into this (most students have endured roommates plus the 'residence halls' look like an internment camp) but I knew someone who spent a week discerning with the Legion of Christ (yikes!) in Connecticut. He described how less-than-private the individual bedrooms are: walls with six inches of space between the ceiling and the floor.

    2. Up to now, the most notable thing about WCC is that they had a bad experience of a chaplain, and recovered by traduction. Apparently Father told some dirty jokes and drank a bit too much with of-age students, and for these unfortunate but repentable sins he was publicly denounced to student body, the tuition-paying parents, the "Catholic" (Capital C, they're that irreproachable) "press" and the Department of Homeland Security. Quite a calumnious way to handle non-criminal indiscretion, I think.


  6. Zuhlsdorf, according to his blog entries, has been battling an illness since January 6th.
    Here's today's petition for prayers:
    12 February 2016
    "I still have a pressing personal petition. Really. And I would appreciate prayers for a swift, complete, and lasting recovery from a present illness."

    This 'present illness' has been mentioned for over a month.
    11 January 2016
    "I was at the doctor today. I’ve had a couple complications. Coughing produces … colorful results. Right now I not feeling horrid, but we are watching for pneumonia."

    Sheer, inexpert speculation: Is Z suffering from a mild pulmonary embolism (PE)? PE is most often caused by deep vein thrombosis (DVT) and strikes the obese and those whose legs are often immobilized, especially frequent airline travelers. PE shares symptoms with other illnesses so ruling out pneumonia is a common step. However, blood-streaked sputum ("colorful results"?) is a sign of PE. The most common treatment for PE is a three month course of blood thinners.

  7. Goodness the trouble I've had hiring a Scullery Maid. The ad specifies a young woman "who is not afraid of some dirty work," and mentions potential for advancement to Between Maid. Conceive my shock that men of every age have submitted their particulars for consideration! It's unmanly, wouldn't you say my dear chap? The scullery is of course, according to Mrs Beeton, an essentially feminine place, ideally separated from the rest of the manor by a baize door and, and--I say, old sport! Do you know that I've not the slightest clue? Haven't been down to the nether regions in years. Why, I even fast-forward through the servant bits of Downton Abbey because after all, who cares?

  8. The latest "Ask Father" from a (dying?) seminarian is absolute garbage regardless of whether or not you support women priests. Zildo matter-of-factly covers the three corners of the earth with a wave of his wrist. He can't possibly read and study as much as he claims to on the one hand and, on the other hand, believe those sophmoric assertions and analyses he posts.
    The last bit is comedy gold:
    In an era when squires served knights and knights served lords, maids served ladies and ladies-in-waiting served princesses and queens, this made sense.
    Don't forget hobbits and wizards, Zero.

    1. I think that is the comedy gold which Readerette mines so brilliantly supra. Bravissima!


    2. "Against societies that preached that women were mere property of their menfolk, the Church has held aloft the Blessed Virgin to show that women not only have the same dignity as men, but a woman could rise to the highest pinnacle of the created order and outshine even the angels in purity and grace."

      Now that's comedy.

  9. Fr Jim does another job on the sublime clericalist dunderhead of Villetri-Segni, sorting him out along with the self-loathing Banshee Mom (imitation Long Skirts):

    1. frjim4321 says:
    13 February 2016 at 7:05 PM

    "A psychosexually healthy individual is by definition capable of being in the presence of members of the opposite sex without distress. I really don’t think we should be making decisions about who can and who cannot serve in the sanctuary on the basis of the accommodation of sociopaths.
    Accepting for the sake of argument the concept that females are not valid matter for holy orders, a convincing rationale for this has not surfaced to date, and for the most part it is rejected by most Catholics that I know. Granted this is anecdotal data and not generalizable. But if CARA was permitted to study this, how many Catholics really believe that women theoretically cannot be ordained? I certainly don’t.
    On the other hand, the pithy argument “if you can’t ordain females, why bother baptizing them” is easy understood."

    2. MrsMacD says:
    13 February 2016 at 8:39 PM

    "In my very sheltered world. I can add what I see in my little corner. I have a bunch of boys. They’ve all mentioned wanting to be a priest at some point, being an altar boy has brought them closer to that, but when asked what they would do if they had to serve with girls, the answer I have gotten is that they wouldn’t serve. That indicates to me that this is part of why we have a crisis of the priesthood. If a lad has regular contact with a Holy priest, he might want to be like him. Boys need to copy their Fathers. Save the liturgy, save the world."

    3. frjim4321 says:
    13 February 2016 at 10:09 PM
    “I have a bunch of boys. They’ve all mentioned wanting to be a priest at some point, being an altar boy has brought them closer to that, but when asked what they would do if they had to serve with girls, the answer I have gotten is that they wouldn’t serve.”
    Good that they are honest.
    But we don’t need any more people like that in the priesthood."

    1. I saw frjim4321's response earlier today. I think he is right that MrsMacD's sons shouldn't be priests. People repeat the thing about boys not wanting to serve if girls are doing it as if having a priesthood made up exclusively of men who are priests provided the priesthood is a boys only club is desirable. This is just weird.

  10. The comments on the male/female thread over at Z's have continued to get stranger. Apparently they are all working with an outdated biology that sees women as passive in procreation (guess none of them have given birth). One poster must have been joking when she said men have gonads but women don't. Aren't ovaries gonads? I think they are.

    But Z's long and recent post about administering the sacrament of anointing to dead people is one of the strangest I've read. A person isn't "dead" dead until obvious signs of decay set in?? Never heard that. So if you put someone in a freezer right after they died, presumably anointing could be delayed indefinitely. I am surprised Z didn't suggest something like this.

    1. Theologians all agree that only flash freezing will keep the soul around for a later thawing and anointing. Now, as to just how soon the flash freeze must occur, there is some disagreement. Most say that if flash freeze occurs within 10 mins of the last breath, the soul is trapped in the body and will remain fresh. After 20 mins there is a risk the soul will be half frozen in, at which point we're in an entirely different can of rotting worms.

    2. Rosat,
      I think it is good mental hygiene to understand that Lacy Boy learned practically nothing about theology and related disciplines in the time he spent in various seminaries in the US and God only knows where else. He is actually way down the intellectual scale but was just clever enough to do the minimum in order to get himself ordained. He's as ignorant as a lump of donkey dodos.
      Getting a sound theological education was secondary to him all along. Becoming a priest was the top priority while at the same time being a pay back for those who rightly identified him as a high maintenance prospect and had him cashiered from the system. All Zuhlsdorf really wanted was a compfortable rails run into a clerical career where he could play games, operated a business, make a comfortable living as a celebrity priest and continue sine-cure pastorally.

      He was in the late post Vat II seminary system when Moral theology had long ceased being taught out of manuals years before and mostly by Canon Lawyers. The only places manuals would be used today are in SSPX/FSSP West Point style sand pits.

      This character wouldn't know a Manual if it fell on him. Bragging about antiques like Manuals and the Reg Garrigou-Lagrange Roman School of theology is all part of the game he plays and the coffee mug/bumper sticker business he runs.
      Someone is incontrovertibly 'dead' for Lacy Boy is when the deceased can no longer contribute to the grasping Sybarite's monthly collection.

    3. It is pretty obvious that Z doesn't know theology. In the question posed by the "seminarian" about why women shouldn't be in the sanctuary, the seminarian asks for theological reasons. There doesn't seem to be a single bit of theology in Z's response, unless that bit about maids at the end is suppose to count as theology. One poor woman wrote that she signed up for a lot of things after becoming Catholic, a lector and EMHC I think, because she didn't know it was wrong of her to do these things. Z is really a nasty man to be causing conflict where there is none.

      It is comical that he went to a manual to answer the question of when someone has died. He also made it appear that it was a "liberal" position to want to give sacraments to dead people right after he goes through a long argument in favor of doing just that.

    4. At best, Z has verbal (or locution) permission faculties only, and the living are hesitant to take a chance. Z is waiting for "Las Vegas faculties" chapter in Sedaka's update and reprint.

    5. ........it's a second order priest scam. A cadaver is alive if a priest intends it to be so. Besides, the relatives might be willing to pay upfront for piece of mind, plus a fine repast later, stole fee, and donations for the poor less admin costs.

    6. Z got that anointing a dead person from Sedaka's Book, "Breaking up is Hard to Do." Or as a spin on the earlier posts, "Alaskan Response," by the CDF.

    7. Good Point. You usually see Z in a cope as an assistant--a straw Subdeacon, straw priest, straw cardinal deacon w/o portfolio. Molino must not be sure himself of Z,$#(@, he must be reading this blog.

    8. On Anointing the Dead, Zed must not have read Sedaka's latest "Beginning to Breathe Again."

    9. Speaking of clinging to a corpse, Gin & Tonic is still emitting his censorious and sanctimonious Francis hatreds

      16 February 2016

      "Missionaries of Mercy ...

      ... can absolve absolutely everything, can't they ... murder and paedophilia and genocide and sadistic rape and human trafficking and war crimes and torture and mutilation and slavery and subjecting people to inhuman living conditions and arbitrary imprisonment and ... you name it ... because God's Mercy is, isn't it, boundless ... except ... it has just been revealed ... they may not absolve the sins of consecrating or being consecrated to the episcopate sine mandato Apostolico.

      Ah well, each of us, even a pope, just has to have something he feels really strongly about, doesn't he?"

      Posted by Fr John Hunwicke at 12:54

    10. Almost forgot about this babbling flatulator...

    11. ...sine mandato's are for the medical profession. Although there was one out in California years back who got caught selling drugs (no money in bake sales anymore). And besides, sine mandato's are the only ones Huncandle visits (sometimes) in prison.

    New Study Confirms Latin Displeases Satan!
    No Really, We're Serious; Satan Hates Latin More Than Other Languages!
    Experts: "Prince of Darkness likely also hates PayPal, Amazon."

    Been trying to expel one of Satan's minions from a vulnerable young woman but not getting anywhere? Father John Ghoulsdorf, Doctor (pending) of Demonology gives us tips for more effective exorcisms! First up: be a Latin Lover!
    I have attended a couple workshops on exorcism. I have spoken with exorcists. Again and again I have heard – and said – how the Devil hates Latin. This is more than a witticism.

    That's right - YOU KNOW WHO hates Latin!
    And there are a lot of people out there, liberals mostly, who hate Latin.
    *cough* DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? *cough*

    The Nude Liturgical Bowel Movement agrees! There is empirical evidence for Satan's hatred of plagiarized articles from Lewis and Short - the science is in!
    Proof also that irony is dead!
    Allan S. says:
    16 February 2016 at 2:46 PM
    "And if you REALLY like annoying the Enemy, and have the time and inclination, have your PC play a .wav file in the background on a loop above normal human hearing – so that the fallen angels ‘of the air’ may be perpetually tormented, as they know all human language. Even better, use Morse Code which makes for a simpler binary audio feed."

    You know, Allan, I'm OK, you're OK - but can I tap out a message to God first before we get started? Thanks.

    · · · – – – · · · /· · · – – – · · · /· · · – – – · · · /· · · – – – · · · /· · · – – – · · · /· · · – – – · · ·

    Zoolander chimes in with his red pen!
    lairdangusmcangus says:
    16 February 2016 at 3:58 PM
    I have heard some exorcists (Malachi Martin and, I believe, Chad Ripperger among others) say that demons tend to be extraordinarily legalistic. [Yes.] They will seize on any loophole, any error of commission or omission in the ritual, in order to maintain their claim. The inherent precision of Latin makes this more difficult for them, I would imagine. [That’s part of it.]

    Non sequitur! (that'll work!)
    i'msoHighMassrightnow says:
    16 February 2016 at 4:08 PM
    "I believe this totally, just look what has happened to the Liturgy the last 50 yrs……….."

    Uh oh! 'Will D.' is walking the hallways again!
    Will D. says:
    16 February 2016 at 4:33 PM
    "I must admit that I don’t get this. Why Latin, specifically? The Devil existed long before Latin was ever spoken, long before the Tower of Babel, for that matter."

    I assure you, gentle reader, you did not see THIS coming:
    the little brother says:
    16 February 2016 at 6:08 PM
    "to Will D.
    Latin specifically because all language is vibrational sound waves, & has a physical effect on creation. I speculate the vibrational signature of Latin brings the immediate & real presence/signature of God."

    And I cannot believe what I just saw! The Little Brother gave Will D. his signature finishing move, The Vibrator! Will D. is down for that count... and THIS. MATCH. IS. OVER! Ladies and gentlemen, this has been Sunday Ringside brought to you by Worsia Beer. Good night. Good fight.

    1. "The inherent precision of Latin"

      holy freakin' moly.

  12. "demons tend to be extraordinarily legalistic" (yes!) "

    Guess that it takes one to know one.

  13. Good ole Fr Jim gives the 'cut and paste' Lacy Boy another memorable squirrel grip:

    1. frjim4321 says:
    17 February 2016 at 7:07 AM

    "I enjoyed the piece on the historical development of the precepts.
    There certainly is a wealth of information in the older Catholic Encyclopedia, and the fact that it is available on line for free is great."

  14. All this talk about Satan's aversion to Latin I find highly amusing. Have they ever considered that Latin was the language of international Protestantism? Several Protestant Latin translations once made the rounds. Both Calvin and Servetus produced Latin editions of their works. Hooker's Latinity as well as his theological reasoning is said to have delighted a pope.

    Wouldn't these Latin works amongst many others be considered diabolical by the good Fr. Z and his minions?

    1. They haven't read any Catullus, that's for sure......

  15. i'm in a latin chatroom and last evening this gem was sent to the list. my translation.

    "Thank you very much for the link to the site of John Zuhlsdorf the priest. Although I have enjoyed his publication, I'd place ahead of it the account produced by John Donne the poet, which is in harmony with the scholastic and philological tradition of the Jesuits. Donne (in his book "The Conclave of Ignatius"), placed Saint Ignatius in hell where he serves as the counsellor, manager, and lawyer of Satan.

    (Wise men are even said to petition Satan in Latin, for which reason the devils seem to me to have more of understanding than of fear and hate.("quapropter diaboli mihi videntur intellegere magis quam timere et odisse."))

    As we all know, the Jesuits are great philologists ... Is it possible that Satan learned his Latin from these holy fathers?"

    i don't believe i detect irony in this.

  16. Speaking of Jesuits:

    Fr. Martingale wrote that when he was a young convert he went for a walk with Dom Bede Camm who informed him that the only order for an English gentleman was the English Congregation of Benedictines. " So I became a Jesuit", the humble father stated.

    1. That must have been before Mick was knighted.

  17. Father Zuhlsdorf may be right. The pope's comments on the airplane didn't change dogma, can't be read into very far, will make the press go nuts and a few Catholics temporarily happy, and ultimately don't mean much. Fine, maybe so.

    But when We are Pope Servetus the First, We have different plans. We will indeed disappear into the Apostolic Palace for so long people will worry about calling a conclave, but that will only happen after harvesting the Tijuana Mamma from the Vatican Gardens which We brought back on Our Apostolic Spring Break Beach Trip to Mexico on the Papal Airiship (The Graf Morlino). We will smoke some mighty spliffs, using Summorum Pontificum of course for rolling paper.

    Afterwords, over the Domus Sanctus Excrementus, We and Our Lord and Lady Cardinals, along with the Primates, Dolphins, Bishops, etc., will host a press conference/barbecue and happy hour to celebrate the Feast of St Giordano Bruno. It's there that We plan to announce the Canonization of Pope St Francis I. But We won't be able to stay long, because We will be getting in Our Sedia Gestatoria and heading over to the Matilda Matilda (She Take Me Money and Run Venezuela) Chapel to celebrate the Solemn High Tea and Nuptial Mass of the Fifth Gay President and his new Husband. Don't worry, We'll wear Our fanon and Vladimir tiara and you can flagellum all you want. We are all about restoring important liturgical traditions. We plan to bring back the choir of eunuchs, and as a sign of Our unbending and firm (get it? get it?) commitment to traditional liturgical musical excellence, We will make sure to include the current and retired college of bishops of Ireland and their vicars general as full participatory members.

    It's going to be a yuge party! Yuge!

    Unfortunately, Readerette is only ever so slightly more likely to be name Pope of the Holy Roman Church than Father Zuhlsdorf. But it's good to have contingency plans in your bug out bag.

    1. Haha! Brilliant!

      I must agree with Readerette regarding Zildo's papal PIPE dreams: that is NOT the scotch talking!

      Thanks for the great photo of the latest boy band. What's their band name?

      The Four Tops? No, that's already taken...
      The Rock Bottoms?

  18. Oops! I hate these autocorrections. To belabor the obvious, Martindale for Martingale.

    Readerette is hilarious. Pope Servetus! St. Giordano Bruno! Has anyone here read those novels featuring Giordano Bruno as a detective in Reformation era England?

  19. Hey Readerette, yeah, the Pope thing might be a long shot. I would however be delighted to work on a Presidential campaign for you. When you win office you could shut Zulsmallpecker down.

  20. Lacy Boy's fit of pique as he passes another spinning brick:

    Geoffrey says of Justice Scalia's Requiem:

    20 February 2016 at 3:13 PM

    "An example of the way the Ordinary Form can–and was meant–to be."

    The Distasteful Ranter: [As it was meant to be would mean ad orientem, mostly in Latin, etc.]"

  21. And here's another couple from two working priest to do the liturgical pedantry job on sine-cure Lacy Boy the Dunderhead:

    Father P says:
    21 February 2016 at 3:56 PM

    "If the priest has to resort to such a method of ensuring one drop of water I would offer a few suggestions. 1. To the questioner, pray for him, he might be struggling with a bit of scrupulosity. 2. To the priest, the solution might be as simple as using a little more wine to start.

    In terms of the when is it too much, our Sacramental Law prof gave us a “rule of thumb” — a sniff and a taste. If it still smells like wine and doesn’t taste watered down (in other words if it looks like wine, smells like wine, and tastes like wine) its wine :)"

    frjim4321 says:
    21 February 2016 at 7:30 PM

    "By specific gravity I would hope that the percentage by volume of alcohol would remain higher than 12%, so if you start with 12.5% a drop should not bring it down that much.

    The idea of flipping water with a finger is gross. Though for me not quite as gross as COTT."

    1. Why does the term "splitting ass hairs" come to mind?
      I like the solution of using more wine to begin with...

    2. Love Fr Jim's answer. Aren't there thermometer-like things to measure specific gravity? Shouldn't Z be using one?

  22. Zuhlsdorf, shouldn't you be minding your own business about the affairs of another parish. Be reminded that you are at best you are an ignorant underling and at worst you are wrongly injecting your petty ego to the damage of a faithful Christian and her child

  23. My favorite line from that post:

    "We don’t welcome people into the Church halfway."

    Unless, of course, they are already Catholic.

  24. Given that there are only 29 days this February and that Lacy Boy has routinely set the new monthly fleecing target of $6k with just over $3k purloined so far, what's the guess he'll be doing another 'lean' Tuesday or Wednesday or whatever soon?
    After the last alleged cyber attack, he's again boohoohooing about the inadequacy of his technology so he'll probably have an 'Action Alert' for that. In any event, the Swiss guards can kiss their custom made new tin hats and T-shirts goodbye.

    1. He's laying on the Dorothy Dix really thick this week... Now he's glowing and fluffing about a "humanist wedding".

  25. +JMJ

    Reverend and Dear Father Duzuhldorf,

    I tried to do the right thing as a parent and brought up my son going to the One True Backwards-Facing Church on Sunday and giving him lessons about our values in this valley of sorrow we spend our lives in until Christ shall raise our dust and welcome us into His Father's House where there are Many Mansions. But even there, alas my son will want to keep his bedroom in the Many Mansions like a pigsty and hide the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition under his mattress. I sent him to a Catholic school, I taught him right and wrong, especially stressing the wrong and how wrong it is during our home schooling lessons, and as a family said all twenty decades (Luminous too!) of the rosary every night after Web of Faith with Father John Trigilio on EWTN and I used to sew a brown scapular into his shorts when he went to Lady of the Angels Summer Camp and Shooting Range. It was a fun and wholesome childhood full of the sacraments, but not many friends because no one in the neighbourhood was pure enough to play with him.

    No matter how hard we worked to teach him how everything is wrong from right, he dropped out of Wyoming Catholic College and moved to a big city and finished his degree at some protestant school and met some little hussy who doesn't even believe in God. They say they are in love but since they didn't leave room for the Holy Spirit how can they be? He has asked our family to join him at a "wedding" which will not be a nuptial Mass in our TLM church (Holy Sepulchre) which was tastefully built before the Crimean War and kept that way, said by an angry middle-aged pistol-packing fat man whom normal people don't like--you know, a good priest like Father Z. Instead they want to have a "humanist" wedding God only knows where and apparently they will state vows to love and support each other for all time but not in front of a crucifix or a paedophile in frilly and gold-brocaded upholstery fabric and thus invalidly.

    My question is what way I should register my high moral dudgeon and God's disapproval that my son and his shameless young slut "love each other" and want to "get married" and "vow" to "dwell together as long as they both shall live" but not longer? May I simply not show up and thus demonstrate the fictitious form and matter of their union, and the dangers of having your own beliefs about what love truly is? Or should I take a stack of St Maria Goretti holy cards to give to the bridesmaids and tell everyone what a horrible apostasy this is and explain in detail to the parents of the bride why any issue of their union will be a bastard? Which is the right way to win these souls back to that holy tiny exclave, the TLM Kingdom of Christ? How do I do what is right here?

    I taught my son everything he knows about not being a bastard, so you can see why this is so disappointing. It would be so much better if my son had just stayed a faithful Catholic. Like me. Anyway, kissing your Reverence's sacred purple whatsis no matter where it is or if you wash it, I remain as ever,

    Sincerely yours in Christian indignation,
    Most Father Z Fan Mommies

  26. Hello Father D,

    It has been a couple of weeks since your last post. Gotta say I miss you in this crazy time of the year. There has been much you haven't covered, such as the Pope Francis press junket where he slammed the Godless Donald Trump, and the Katholic Krazies here in Canada are frothing at the mouth in their pseudo-Sedevacantism and their idol worship of the gold one (Trump)

    Please Father, do come out of your cell with that priest of super orthodoxy, and do discuss what's going on.


  27. See what he's doing here: whenever the common sense of the otherwise supine paying disciples gets the better of his confused, poorly catechised mind, Brass Ass flicks on the moderation switch:

    Fr. John Zuhlsdorf says:

    23 February 2016 at 9:43 PM

    "In the moderation queue people are starting to speculate about other people’s situations. There have been some good points, and we’ve gone far enough for now."