Wednesday, July 29, 2015

CONGRATS YOU LUCKY BASTARDS!

You know, it's always a joy to surf the blogosphere during my down time. Especially fun sometimes is viewing the links that people send my way.   Some of the most interesting items cross my screen. 

Business Insider recently posted an article on the most meaningful jobs in America these U.S.A.  


To compile its latest list, PayScale asked over 2 million professionals whether their work is meaningful, and ranked almost 500 professions based on the percentage of people in each of those jobs who answered "yes." 

You will never guess what number one was! 


1. Clergy !!!!!!
1. Clergy
Median pay: $46,600 
People who said it's a highly meaningful job: 98% 
People who said it's a highly satisfying job: 90%


Yeah.  Obviously no one in my diocese, under the omophor of my bishop was interviewed.

Nor was my bishop emeritus interviewed.


Nor was my current bishop and his auxiliary.


Nor +Sal West...


And especially not +Sal East!


Don't even think of interviewing +Kimbie Wanna-Try-A-Little Sample... 

In fact I can't think of one American bishop I have met, but I digress...

This poll was obviously conducted Tuesday through Thursday between the hours of 10 AM and 2 PM (stopping for lunch between 11:00 and 1:00) when clergy are available to answer the phone.

In other church news lewd happenings, New York City Traditional Latin Mass organist at the famed Saint Agnes Church, plans on marrying his same sex partner, while still handling all the testicles versicles and responses in Tridentine Latin.


Always ready to jump on attack Cardinal Dolan we can only guess that Michael Voris and his Merkin have set up camp (so to speak) in the Big Apple awaiting His Eminence's response, which we can only guess will be....

Now you might be asking yourself, as I often never do, "How can I as a Katholik Blogger komitted to defending the faith, stand as a witness to the one true truthful Truth and fight against these horrific homo heresies?"  Well thankfully one Brighton U.K. based bloke has the answer. 

Yes, in between crushing his bone that thrills, attending the Novena of Pontifical Latin Masses at the Toadstool, running errands for his mum, daily spontaneous ejaculations (aimed to penetrate pierce the heavens), and the ever important blogging empire from mum's basement, this young chap has found time to serve as founder and chairman of the Guild of Saint Tits-Up Brandingiron, Mystical Moonshiner of Brokeback Mountain, providing a special place for all the special bloggers to come together link up to one another.

If anyone knows where Father D can get an application for the Guild, please let me know.  Also, if there is a membership fee, will they let me pay with me mum's credit card? Probably not a problem huh?

Let's get Chris and Shane's Traditional Cantor to sing us on outta here .... A tribute to POPULAR JOB #1 = CLERGY!

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Roll Out Those Lazy, Hazy, KRAZY KATHOLIC Summer Freaks . . .


Father catching a few rayz of sun even though feeling a little bloated. That lazt Gotham Gaztronomic Glutfezt  almozt did me in. Going to have to have the 501 tactical clericalz let out in the waist. Again. 

Every summer since they spent a week in the Thailand Missions,  Father Kirk Fitzpatrick and Father Patrick Fitzkirk of the newly established Oratory of Two of Ss. Horatio and Fellatio, invite the young Buddhist novices to spend a week with them. Fathers Neill and Bobb from the Oratory of Two of Ss Sergius and Bacchus join them for the sloppy second half of the week.


Liberal nuns, probably from the LCWR, who have abandoned their full traditional habit, have rented out Father's Sabine Beach House for a week. The two professed sisters in the black veils (Sister M. Sexburga  and Sister M. Cunnigrinder Cunegunda each brought two novices to cook and clean for them.

What a summer it's been around here . . . all kinds of rare whales have been washing up on our beaches (though certainly no mob of Moby Dicks, but I digress) . . . which gets in the way of our outdoor Masses . . .


Well, You-Know-Who was the principal celebrant of THAT Mass . . . but it was Novus Ordo . . . the real one was done up in the mountains.

After Mass Father treated the gang (all five guys) to a repertoire from his days before seminary. 




You can see from the first picture, it was hard to accommodate the crowds, as it always is at the TLM that is going to save the Church, as The Bishop Fellay Show and a host of Krazy Katholics (some of them pretend Konverts) are always reminding us . . . 

Speaking of which . . . while I sit here tending to the blender that periodically will render the frozen concoction that helps Father D hang on . . . people send me stories from around the Krazy Katholic Kraposphere  . . . what treasures this week brought into the humble hermitage.


ANATHEMA SIT

and

ANATHEMA STAND
As always the TLM was packing the people in!

Yes, +Anathema ScheitfṺrbrainz, the only bishop consecrated by a layman has surfaced again, hanging out with Dame Auldqueen Reid (Harry's kid brother) in the Diocese of Fruit-Jus Too-Loose
Good to know those two are going to save the Church from Laudato Si and the Synod of Compassion by laying down the law about gays and divorced people and other sinners. Whew!

And they're not alone!

I was happy to run An Army of Youth Flying the Standards of Truth a while back, but I had no idea how THAT idea would catch on as a perfect way to Save the Church!

KRAZY KATHOLIC KRUSADERS
!ALL NAMED MARY!

The Venerable Venomous Mary-Vampires of Transylvania just took off running . . . well, wobbling, with the idea! The future of Krazy Katholic (Some of Them Pretend) Konvert Kingdom is securely in the hands of
Knight Commander Father Lacy-Lucy-Mary and Knight Squire Elmira-Jeremiah-Mary!

And their troops!


Ok, I know what you're thinking . . . women aren't welcome in the ranks of such Manly Men!

Wrong! They have Altar Girls!


And the rest of the women (three?) are properly veiled and allowed to hit the high notes (although the monks do wear the proper orthopedic pelvis wraps to help with the Kyries) and to starch the purificators and corporals in order to assure valid Latin Mass (the one on the far right is not a woman)


Reynaldo often wore red tassels when serving cocktail parties around here, so it's good to see the same outfit being used for the Krazy Krusade!

The Dubbing Dame was none other than Dame Edith Evans!


Who has made very few public appearances since her last famous role.


And she came armed for battle, let me tell you!


That sword looks familiar. Do you think they share? Swap swords
with one another once in a while? 

Would I love to get that close to MY bishop with a sword! Turns out Father D's little blog here has put the RIGHT IDEA into the RIGHT minds of the RIGHT WING NUTS!



I've shown you mine, now whip yours out.

Meanwhile, back in Rome, Someone Else had an idea that he thought might be more worthwhile when it comes to the future of the Church . . . 

With no sword but an iPad, Papa Francesco signed up for World Youth Day 2016 in Krakow.

And instead of dressing up a bunch of home-schooled, out-on-planet-Jupiter boys in 14th century costumes around a bunch of mentally wazoooed freaks, he invited two young people representing the 21st century to offer an invitation to the Youth of the World to come celebrate WYD 2016.


Call Father D crazy . . . cuz I am . . . but not KRAZY!!!

And thank goodness, now the booze in the blender has finally rendered that frozen concoction that helps me hang on!

Thursday, July 23, 2015

AS PAPAL POLLS SINK FATHER Z's TICKLED PINK, But his prediction was partially wrong

Father Zzzzz tickled pink

Hey folks.
You all (my two loyal readers and some of the NAC grads like Marianne that pass through to see if their names are mentioned)  know by now that Father D is NOT on the cutting edge of ecclesiastical news and clerical gossip. I just don't have the time to keep up with it all. Parochial, administrative, and educational responsibilities and the sad excuse for what passes as a social life. (You'd be surprised at the very friendly people you can meet at the dog park.)  But I eventually catch up and catch on.

So, I have read that Pope Francis' popularity is down in the polls. I'm not sure that he knows, but I'd take a guess that His Holiness really doesn't give two flying fucks. Whatcha think?

American's can be a bit fickle when it comes to our leaders, both political and religious. Remember the words of my detestable colleague and brother blogger, Father Z early on in this Pontificate?  "Liberals will turn on Pope Francis." (That link will populate a search of Z's blog of the number of times he has written that statement.)

Several news outlets have reported that the Papal approval rating is down. More than a few bloggers have mentioned it. Though none with the seeming joy that Father Zzzzz has today.  Maybe I'm not reading him properly.  Maybe he's just in a mood to celebrate everything, since one of his Particular Friends has been granted a new Renaissance Faire costume that he wants to wear while mounting his horse in the Basilica.
"These honors are good things.  While not strictly necessary, they are recognition of a job well done and that counts for a lot.  Let no one tell you otherwise, while we strive for detachment from the worldly the occasional freely given, cordial attaboy is important."
As my great uncle used to say, some people deserve a pat on the back and others a kick in the ass. That was the same uncle who told me that "a monsignor is an honored and dignified nothing", and that a priest should refuse it if at all possible because he is going to have "to spend a few thousand dollars on new choir dress that he'll never have a genuine reason to wear" unless he goes to Rome for a Pontifical Mass. This was a man who was one of the last non curial prelates of honor in his diocese to use the post nominal P.A. after his name.


Returning to the topic papal polls, it seems Father Z was at least partially wrong. It is not entirely the evil dirty hippy liberals that are turning on the pope. 
In fact, there is evidence that it is the wholly righteous conservatives that are tipping the scales the most. Yep, the Conservatives have turned on Pope Francis.

Papa is pissin' people off.  He's not compromising on basic Catholic Teaching to compromise on the sanctity of marriage, ordination of women,  which is ticking off the liberals (even though he is encouraging a compassionate approach to individual circumstances) and he is calling the wealthy to be accountable and generous to their workers rather than making every dime possible off their backs which has drawn the conservative ire. 

I want to highlight one of the comments from a recent post related to this current one.

AristophanesJuly 23, 2015 at 5:27 PMHis Crassness will and does resort to any tactic to distract his easily led cash cows from Pope Francis' constant rebuke of self-interested clerics like Zuhlsdorf.Every thing Francis finds disdainful about sine-cure, self-indulgent, materialistic, hypocrites in the priesthood lights a bon fire under Lacy Boys frills. He hates Francis almost beyond comprehension.For Francis to be attacked, ridiculed and held in contempt by anyone, especially by Z's fellow travellers at Acton, Napa and Crisis is just gravy on his overloaded plate.

When irritating those on both sides, I believe that is a good sign of a well balanced leader.








Tuesday, July 21, 2015

THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS . . . .

I don't know about you, but I love to see the Fickle Finger of Fate snag a winner and send him soaring . . . especially when the poor bastard's been trudging up the Ecclesiastical Ladder of Glory rung by rung by greasy rung for years . . . 

But good news today!

Finally!

No wonder Cardinal Oulette didn't go to South America with Francesco! Busy busy busy back home in Rome with paperwork  . . . 


ANNOUNCEMENT:

Pope Francis

Names

Father Robert Weigel-Barron


Star of Stage
(Catholicism, a 185-DVD introduction to the last 2015 years of Roman Wisdom)

Screen
(EWTN: Elderly Woman Talking Nonsense)

and

Seminary
(Manly Mundelein: Roo-hah! Roo-hah! Roo-hah!)

Auxiliary Bishop of Los Angeles
and
Titular Bishop of We-Ho

Episcopal Motto:

"Ego sic curro non quasi in incertum"
English translation: "Lace 'em up, men!"
Cathedral Church and Location of Post-Consecration Reception!
Can you imagine how disappointed Archbishop Cupich must be?
The Most Reverend Blase Cupich
NOT Cardinal George's choice of successor to 75 Chimneys Mansion
Nah, me neither . . . that was my (third) blueberry mimosa talking . . . 

Plus, the previous Cardinal was REALLY disappointed!
Francis Cardinal George
"Damn it, Schultz, I've sent Barron's name in at least 90 times! Latino dude deaf?"
And can you imagine how surprised and delighted the priests of LA must be this AM? OK, not as delighted as the priests of Chicago, but hey . . . super-star makes three-pointer from the far far far end of the court! As they say at Manly Mundelein!
"So are ye tellin' me, lad, dat de nearest tird coat holder and Confirmation Machine dey could find was 2000 miles away? Dat's total bullshit, son!"
But I think here at the old Father D Traveling Salvation Show we called this one a long time ago.

OK, so Bishop-elect Weigel-Barron's view of the future of priestly ministry isn't the Holy Father's. As per this vocations ad for Buenos Aires:

And surprise! Even though he went to school in Gay Paree, guess where Bishop-elect Weigel-Barron was "Scholar in Residence? Yes, the Pontifical North American Dance Academy, fountain of that tidal-wave size dewfall of blessings we call The American Hierarchy!

But Bishop-elect Weigel-Barron wants you LA dudes to know when to ditch the tap shoes and grab the jock strap (uh . . . your own . . . I know it's Southern Cali but . . .).

Man up!

Lace 'em up!

Get ready to band together as men.

And forget this Latino papa.

He's not mentioned even once in the Weigel-Barron Vocation ad!

The future of the priesthood, according to Bishop Weigel-Barron is Basketball and

The Heroic Pope

Know who that is?



Nice work if you can get it.

(Imagine how pissed The Admirable Zed must be? Ha!)

Rung by rung by greasy rung.

Thanks, Cardinal Oulette! YOU coulda been a contender. In fact, I seem to remember you were . . . 

*Sigh*

Oh well, time to mix the fourth, fifth and sixth mimosas . . . . 

Saturday, July 18, 2015

!!!!! URGENT: POPE FRANCIS NAMES FATHER CIPOLLA BISHOP !!!!!

You know, with all these lentils to cook, goats to feed, toilets to scrub - ALONE - and stipends to collect mission stations to visit, I don't get to follow the Catholic press as much as I'd like to for shits and giggles and clerical gossip educational purposes and vital information.

But I check the Vatican's daily Bolletino, most of all to see if my Bishop has finally been sacked been rewarded for his absolute incompetence lengthy pastoral service.

Imagine my shock today!


POPE FRANCIS NAMES
FATHER CIPOLLA
BISHOP
I wanted to get the color right! and the headlines big!

Cuz this is huge!


Cipolla - BISHOP OF PADUA Italy!!!!!!!

Absolutely nothing on the story over at RETRO-Rantin'-'N-Ravin'!

Cipolla's a married ex-Episcopalian (well, sort of . . . to both). Just shows you how untraditional Pope Francis really is.

And to Italy? Must be because his middle name, as he likes to remind us, is Gennaro. Makes you wonder how he ended up as an Episcopalian in the first place.

So Father Cipolla has written an awesome letter to the people of Padua who must have said in Italian, "Who the hella is-a dis-a dude?"

Here's his letter (it doesn't sound anything like the boring sermons Bitter Bag o' Onions posts on RETRO!):

The Holy Father Francis, as always, unexpectedly, unpredictably, has chosen to send me to you as your bishop. I think he has kept to his inclination to choose "the last and least." I come among you with the awareness of not being up to the episcopal ministry or to a diocese as large and beautiful as Padua. I hope this human feeling of worry, which I imagine you will understand, can be transformed into Christian humility, and into an invocation of support and assistance addressed to God and to each one of you.

Let us listen together to the Gospel and to the poor, and mutually help them with generosity; together let us serve the people living next to us, often broken and weary; let us cooperate honestly with the social and civil institutions and with all men and women who seek the good, friendship, justice and peace. Together: let us walk together!

It will be my responsibility as bishop to be attentive to those who are the weakest and not to forget the last and least, as Jesus teaches us in the Gospel and as Pope Francis witnesses to us. An embrace sincere, affectionate, and full of hope to all pastors and priests and deacons of the diocese: above all I want to live among them because I know well the beauty of the pastoral vocation, but I also know the hardships of everyday life. I hope I can support our seminary, with true fatherly dedication.

Dear sisters and brothers in the priesthood of all the baptized, I promise to be among you as one who encourages, who rises up, who leads to Jesus. And this will be my episcopal motto: "Courage, Arise, He Is Calling You." It is the mercy of Jesus who can perceive the cries of the poor. I see myself as being at your side, as disciples who are tasked to bring the mercy of Jesus to the blind, who sit along the street begging and to carry them, like Bartimaeus, to the liberating encounter with Jesus."

Wow!

Reminds me of the talk Pope Francis gave to priests, deacons, religious men and women, and seminarians in South America last week.

But just doesn't sound like RETRO's and Cagey-Uh-Know-Nuttin's Cipolla . . . 

Oh wait a minute . . . 


Il Papa ha nominato Vescovo della diocesi di Padova (Italia) il Rev.do Mons. Claudio Cipolla, del clero della diocesi di Mantova, finora Parroco della parrocchia di “Sant’Antonio” di Porto Mantovano e Vicario episcopale per la Pastorale.



No collar.

No cassock from Gammarelli with 87 buttons down the front and a tit-warmer attached.

No facial hair.

No lace.

No vestments made out of upholstery from the sofa in his Nonna's living room.

No "wife".

No Latin Mass I bet ya.

Different Cipolla!

Padua lucks out!

Hey in honor of the Pope's upcoming trip to Philadelphia, site of the World Family thing, let's do their Archbishop's name - Let's try CHUCKIE!

CHUCKIE, CHUCKIE,
BO BUCKIE
BANNA-PANNA-FO . . . . oh, never mind.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

RECTORY RENOVATIONS: Because "the laborer deserves his . . . mansion?"



I'm asking because down in Brazil, all hell's broken loose over a simple little "fixer upper" episcopal residence.
Remember Bishop Bling? Before he got blunged?

Well, he's not alone.

Once again, the Vatican has swooped in and removed a CONSERVATIVE TRADITIONALIST Bishop, using the same old excuse . . . 
just because Archbishop Antônio Carlos Altieri, S.D.B. (Society of Don Bosco, but also Sono Di Bertone, since most of these guys owed their appointments to fellow Salesian, Tarcisio Cardinal Bertone . . . who also has a "spending" problem) spent $600,000 fleeced from the flock to remodel the episcopal residence.

Altieri, 63, was appointed Archbishop of Passo Fundo, Brazil just a little while back - and, man, did Tony find a DUMP when he arrived.

So he cleaned it up. But cleaned out the treasury. By flying in a team of interior decorators (probably gay, they do a fabulous job on rectories):


The Bishop's Kitchen
Before
the place wasn't even painted - all black and white
After
and while he was at it, he added a fabulous little breakfast nook
and an outdoor grill where he could feed the street people because hey summertime calls for grillin' and chilling'


The Bishop's Den
Before
housekeeper's family always hanging around,
stealing food . . . 
After
now that's more like it!
and the other half of it became his lovely library


The Bishop's Bedroom
Before
imagine having to climb up a ladder to get into your bed?

After
big enough to accommodate a Frau-dinariate "S.O."!

The Bishop's Bathroom
Before
I don't see any toilet paper, do you? Like at the Trappist retreat house I went to last year at that dump where they raise chickens. Next year - goin' where they make beer!

After
that big boy needs his bubble bath
especially before those long TLM Solemn Highs at the Toadstool!

And for this Archbishop Altieri was removed?

I don't think so!

It was obviously because he's a TRADITIONALIST!
"Shove it up your ass!" he replied to the Nuncio. Only in Brazilian, of course.

I don't know about you, but down here, I like to keep it simple. And my Bishop's

Rectory Renovations Guidelines

makes that real easy: if you want to do ANYTHING you have to include a Bishop's Suite. I shit you not. Ain't he sweet?

Father D outside the chapel

Cooking with Reynaldo "back in the day"

Flyin' solo now, baby!

But hey, it's hard to screw up lentils, know what I mean?
Easy on the hummus . . . or you'll become a hummusexual.
Get it?

Guest room still needs a little work.

Not to mention the monastery toilet!



Reynaldo could NEVER stay awake for Parish Council meetings


I couldn't stand it when the neighboring nuns used to bring their kids over on Sunday afternoons.


One day Reverend Mother Dementia's pet bird ate Reynaldo's pet rabbit. He was training his pet python to eat Mother Dementia just before he left.


I quit the parish when I saw this sketch of their plans to celebrate my ordination anniversary. Bastards! Poor souls!

Off to my Sunday Stipends "mission stations"


So what are the Rectory Renovations Guidelines in your Diocese?

Father D would love to hear.

OK, What I'd really like to hear stories about assholes your brethren who are livin' large.

Come on! Dish the dirt into my comment box!

Remember the rules: Be vague enough to avoid libel suits but specific enough to piss people off!

Wouldn't you LOVE to be able to tell YOUR Bishop, "Hey, Shithead, Excellency - YOU'RE NEXT! Soon as Papa hits the States!"

Meanwhile, let's play a song for those lazy nosy meddling bastards hard-working and devoted officials at the local Chancery Office!