Friday, January 30, 2015

Happy Anniversary!

I don't know about you but I hate doing things last minute.

So here's a Fr D Heads Up for all our friends - we all know their names by now! - on the far right nut job Catholic anti-Pope Francis blogs and their foul-mouthed trolling disciples who visit us regularly (do they kiss their first class relics of the Sacred Prepuce with those lips???)


LATE-BREAKING NEWS from tonight's (in Rome) edition of tomorrow's Osservatore Romano:

POPE FRANCIS TO REMEMBER
INAUGURATION
OF
NEW LITURGICAL NORMS
OF
VATICAN II

On March 7, at 6:00 P.M., our Holy Father Pope Francis will celebrate Mass at the Roman parish of All Saints on the Via Appia Nuova, the same parish where, on that exact date 50 years ago, Blessed Pope Paul VI celebrated Mass in the vernacular and facing the people for the first time.

Mass Facing the People: Probably just a passing fad .. . . 

Knowing our Jesuit Pope, I'm pretty sure this is just a coincidence.

But maybe not. After all, we all remember how last July 7, he celebrated the Tridentine Mass to commemorate the anniversary of the promulgation of Benedict XVI's Motu Proprio Summorum Pontificum.

But this should give RetRorate's Bag o' Bitter Onions & Co, "the admirable Father Zed," and CUNNIWICKE'S Coven plenty of time to get their all-male scholas and all-male servers ready, as Father Z admonished us back in those long-ago days of Fanon Fever, "Where Peter Goes, We Follow!" Unless we don't like the particular Successor of Peter or where he's leading us - you know those Krazy Kafeteria Katholics!

(Meanwhile, you ladies - and properly habited nuns - can starch Father's appareled amice and iron your chapel veils).


October 4, 1965
Pope Paul VI celebrates Mass "versus populum" in Yankee Stadium

Number 1 on Billboard's Hot 100, March 7, 1965

Thursday, January 29, 2015

AIN'T SO NEAT TO BE ELITE (SWEET!)

I'm pretty sure that gushing sound you hear this morning is a spittle flecked nutty and that popping - boom, BOOM, KA-BOOM are heads exploding like four-chain thuribles loaded with grenades over at RetRorate
deep in Mundy-(All Sodomy, All the Time)-bore's Man-Cave Closet
in the sacristy of Cunniwicke's Coven 
and of course from Cunniwicke's fellow Krazy Kleric and BFF, "the admirable Father Zed's" faldstool toadstool
(picture of where both he and Cunniwicke would REALLY like to be if they'd let Z keep his own debit card and Cunniwicke his wife and made-up liturgy).

See, here's what happened in Rome early this morning: Not only did Pope Francis - despite Fr Z's advice - celebrate the Novus Ordo (again), facing the people (again), using the regular Lectionary (again), he gave a homily (again).

A humdinger of a homily, actually, based on the first reading, "We should not stay away from our assembly, as is the custom of some, but encourage one another" (Hebrews 10:25).

Speaking of "some groups" in the Church, the Pope said:

“They scorn the others, they stay away from the community as a whole, they stay away from the people of God, they have privatized salvation: salvation is for me and my small group, but not for all the people of God.  And this is a very serious mistake.  It’s what we see and call: ‘the ecclesial elites.’  When these small groups are created within the community of God’s people, these people believe they are being good Christians and also are acting in good faith maybe, but they are small groups who have privatized salvation.”



Well, thank goodness that, as Cunniwicke (who, along with the rest of the above-mentioned elites, thought Benedict's every word was ex-cathedra, every retreaded antique vestment the way forward, and every emission of gas incense) has spent hours of his busy priestly ministry reminding us: Pope Francis' daily homilies are not anything magisterial!
Whew! Lucky for them!


Seriously, poor MundyBore had a very unpleasant near-sexual experience at his local pharmacy. The poor dear went looking for suppositories and someone stuck a vibrator in his face (or I think that's what he said. Here, if you're over 18 (and not in solemn vows), you go read it for yourself. so Fr. D is sending out this long-distance (thank God) dedication to him, because we're sure that, despite his gruff exterior and elite attitude, "she's gotta be somebody's baby"




Mundabor, Vibrator, Ewwwwww!

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

SAN FRANCISCO: ALTAR GIRLS LOSE BUT BREAK OUT THE BOOZE

You know I love to make people laugh, and that's led me to be accused of having, what some supervisors (and more than a few coworkers) have called "inappropriate humor."

And there was that restraining order ... But I digress ...

And sometimes I guess I laugh inappropriately ... Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone made me laugh the other day ... Well, indirectly ...

Is it just me or are all bishops named Salvatore tiny and ?
touched?

Anyhow ... A priest in San Francisco has banned girls from serving Mass. He says having girls around makes the boys not want to serve and this in turn diminishes vocations to the priesthood because most priests started out as altar boys.

I wish I was joking.  Sorry folks.
Some priests are threatened by having female altar servers.  There is only room for one princess at a time in most sanctuaries. 

The parish has had female altar servers since the 80's but Father Joseph Illo took over as pastor five months ago and decided to train only boys to be altar servers. He said "he has no choice but to exclude girls because the future of the church is at stake."  (Source)



And we all know that altar girls can't grow up to be priests (no matter how many priests act like big ole girls) because just like there will never be Mass in the vernacular or a non-Italian Pope, there will never be women priests.

And the priest told his disgruntled parishioners not to even think about going to complain to Archbishop Cordileone about his decision because he already got Archbishop Cordileone's approval of his ban on altar girls.

Apparently like Cardinal Burke, Archbishop Cordileone thinks that altar girls are contributing to the feminization of the Church. 

So I got to thinking, if Archbishop Cordileone doesn't want altar girls because women can't become priests, shouldn't he also ban Communion under both species, so that altar boys won't grow up to be Archbishops arrested for drunk driving with their mother and mysterious young passenger in their car?

Or am I comparing screwdrivers to martinis here?

I wonder what he has against the Holy Patriarch Noah that he is so anti-rainbow?


Remember Reverend Fathers, there is only room for one princess at a time in most sanctuaries. And never out dress the boss! 



Alternate hymn for use in bilingual Hispanic parishes:

GO WEST YOUNG MAN GO WEST (Just Face East!!!)



Young man? Make that AGING GYROVAGUE.

Could Fr Zzzz be looking toward Lincoln, Nebraska as the next stop on his "Grass Grows Greenest When You Spread the Shit (Fertilizer) Around" Tour?

High praise for Advent Ass Facing the People, aka Bishop Conley's attempt to keeping the last pontificate's idiosyncrasies alive in the Diocese That Time Forgot (and almost everyone else is trying to forget).

Quotes galore as to why EVERYONE just loved it! (By the way, do they have WiFi yet in Lincoln?)

Is it just me, or is it pretty immediately obvious why EVERYONE would want Fr Zed to face the wall?

Face any direction you want, just don't look at us.




The other end has to look better than that.

In unrelated newzzzz, Don Zzzzz managed to be a bit funny today.  Knocked my biretta off I laughed so hard. 

Saturday, January 24, 2015

VATICAN II-point-V: "LIKE GRAPPA ON AN EMPTY STOMACH"

You know I really liked the letter Pope Francis wrote to his new class of Cardinals.

Francis told them to "accept (congratulations) humbly" but be careful "the spirit of worldliness doesn't creep in" and hit you "like grappa on an empty stomach, leaving you disoriented and separating you from the cross of Christ."

Wow!

I got to thinking, if only Benedict XVI had sent a letter like that to his formerly utterly-null-and-absolutely-void disgruntled ex-Anglican friends (changing grappa to gin of course).

Here's why.

Meet Just-a-Monsignor-but-looks-like-a-Bishop Keith Newton, Ordinary of the Anglican Ordinariate of Our Lady of Walsingham:
Just-a-Monsignor Newton: DAY-ON get-up
Just-a-Monsignor Newton: DAY-OFF outfit

Assisted by Just-a-Monsignor-but-looks-like-a-Bishop Burnham:
Just-a-Monsignor Burnham: DAY-ON get-up
Just-a-Monsignor Burnham: DAY-OFF outfit

Of course we're all old friends with their most famous Just-a-Plain-Old-Pain-in-the-Ass priest Reverend Mother M. John Cunniwicke, who hates "our beloved Holy Father" (to quote his signature passive-aggressive, keep-the-Nuncio-off-Keith's-back term of endearment-contempt for Pope Francis) even more than "the admirable Father Zed" (as he calls his fellow Krazy Kleric).
Looks very much like my 7th grade nun, Sister M.  BARBA-ra, if you get my drift
You know what really sticks in Cunniwicke's Craw is what then-Cardinal Bergoglio said to the Anglican Bishop of Argentina, Right Reverend Greg Venables about the special playground (a.k.a. Anglican Ordinariates) Pope Benedict set up for Cunniwicke & Co. to hang out in and still be Catholics. Venables said, "He (Bergoglio) called me to have breakfast with him one morning and told me very clearly that the Ordinariate was quite unnecessary and that the Church needs us as Anglicans."

I'll bet that even more infuriating was Francis telling Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby, "I am grateful, too, for the sincere efforts the Church of England has made to understand the reasons that led my Predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI, to provide a canonical structure able to respond to the wishes of those groups of Anglicans who have asked to be received collectively into the Catholic Church: I am sure this will enable the spiritual, liturgical and pastoral traditions that form the Anglican patrimony to be better known and appreciated in the Catholic world."

Oh we get the picture! Big time! Thanks, Benny!

Then there's this (ouch!)




So now Cunniwicke is sounding the alarm that there might be a Vatican III in the works! Oh no! Horrors!


 "More than half a century after Vatican II,
we are only just beginning to transform
some of Circe's pigs back into men,
and finding it hard, invidious, and contentious work.
Would a Vatican III do anything
to wipe the sweat from our brows?
Or would it simply increase the burden?"

If there's anything sweaty about Cunniwicke & Co. I don't think it's their brows or from hard work. And ask a couple of UK Roman bishops whether taking the admirable Father Zed's buddy in has decreased or increased "the burden". But I digress . . . 

Seriously, folks, is it just me, or if you seriously believed that God inspired a aged Pope who liked fancy vestments and English Church music to bring you and your buddies with your antique vestments and committee-made-up-liturgy into the Catholic Church so that you could help God reverse an Ecumenical Council and impose your museum-like fantasy world on everyone else - would you tell anyone?

Or would you:


1. Say "Danke, Heilege Vater"

2. Keep dressing up and making up your own liturgy as you go along like you did when you were an utterly-null-and-absolutely-void disgruntled High Anglicans

3. And then just

S T F U!!!!


Of course there is another option if you dislike everything about the regular, normal, ordinary Catholic Church as your blog seems to indicate.

And that would be just

G T F O!!!!


Please turn to Hymn Number 4236 in The Anglican Ordinariate Hymnal:




Equally appropriate, Hymn Number 3987 (listen to all the words):

TICKLED PINK: FATHER Z's MARCH FOR LIFE, FOOD & BOOZE 2015

Tickle the Lord?

With Father Z, it's more like Giving Jesus a Power Wedgie!

Using $$$ provided by brain-dead Z-ombies, the intrepid Father Z braves another harsh DC winter to bear witness to the Church's constant teaching regarding the Right-to-Life!

Read Father Z's full summary of a Klassic Klerical Kareerist's arduous witnessing during the March for Life here and here.

Look at the pics he took: Feels like you're right there with him bearing witness to the Christ and his Church!






Of course, like every Z-trip, it was all about booze and food, dressing up and playing Church, and hanging out on a bar faldstool with Terror of Gay Demons Bishop Paprika of Springfield-Where-the-Simpsons-Come-From:



Rare photo of Bishop Paprika arriving in DC:


What a strange server brought them their (several) martinis:


Introit for the Solemn Pontifical Mass at the Faldstool On The Throne Behind the Tabernacle Under the Ombrellino Inside the Sacrarium While Scratching My Flabella With Your Tintinabulum:


Thursday, January 22, 2015

FUC'd UP: New Season. New Nuts. Same Craziness You're Used to from Church Arrogant TV


Michael "Merkin" Voris is back with a brand new look and a brand new set (not to be confused with a brand new pair), to talk about the state of the Church. Michael will be joined by Catholic reactionaries luminaries from around the nation to kick off the latest season of Fuc'd Up. One luminary is a priest from a diocese in the Northeast. Check out this luminary priest's homilies here. (Father D suggests January 18, 2015 on Vocations. Talk about a long and winding road!)  You can find Father's online radio show over at Gaily Forward Forward Boldly Radio. 


FRIDAY NIGHT UPDATE:  A picture is worth a thousand words.  When I asked about Father Manchester a source close to Church Arrogant TV replied, "This picture tells you all you need to know."


OH... A Warrior Priest!  OF. COURSE.

Also featured will be Steve Jalsevac of LifeSite News and founder of the new eMANgelization, Matthew Christoff.  A couple other folkz with either lots of spare time on their hands, or who have found a way to make their religious convictions into a full time job, and a retired congressman, who obviously failed to hitch a ride last time the Mmm-Bop Comet sailed over California, known not only for its fruits but, as the Congressman proves, also for its nuts.


Much like Father D, Church Arrogant TV suffered its own flood over the holidays.  It's a good thing that "Merk" Voris stopped by the studio to clean out his browser history pick up additional Christmas decorations or much greater damage would have been done.
Here. You watch it. Otherwise you'll accuse me of making it up.



Did you really watch the entire thing?  Gosh, I hope not. That's dangerous boring stuff there.  Well, in case you did, here's a little "pick me up" hymn from then guyz at the new eMANgeliztion.





Tuesday, January 20, 2015

SIGN OF PEACE: "It should be made clear once and for all . . . "

I don't know how it hit you, but to me he sure sounded serious:


"It should be made clear once and for all . . . "

Those words were in the "Last Will and Testament" of "Little Ratzinger," Antonio Cardinal Cañizares Llovera, once-upon-a-time Big Ratzinger's and the Reformers-of-the[Approved-In-Ecumenical-Council-And-Promulgated-By-A-Pope-Using-Words-That-Seemed-To-Abrogate-The-Previous-Rite]-Reform much-touted-and-gushed-over their "New Sheriff in Town" Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship:

Cardinal Cañizares Llovera heads out from CDW on his lunch break
Cardinal Cañizares Llovera relaxing at home on Sunday afternoon
Benedict XVI's brilliant choice for Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship, such an obviously enthusiastic supporter of the liturgical reforms of Vatican II, replaced this other equally brilliant pick, Cardinal Malcolm Ranjith:

I can think of a few cities in the USA where, on a certain weekend, this float would win, hands-down,  if you get my drift

who, by the way, certainly did seem to "tone things down" a bit this past week during Pope Francis' visit to Sri Lanka.

Which trip started me thinking just why our poor sedevacantist friends at RetRorate, Reverend Mother M. John Cunniwicke (whose passive-aggressive signature "our beloved Holy Father" may be keeping the Nuncio off Monsignor Keith's damask-protected back but isn't fooling anyone regarding Cunniwicke's continuing utter contempt for all things Pope Francis: pick a post, any post), Gloria "All-Sodomy-And-Sacrilege-All-The-Time" Mundy-bore and our BBF (Best Buddy Forever) Father "Never-To-Be-Incardinated-Or-Made-A-Monsignor-Even-In-Madison" Z-man have spun totally of control coming up on almost two years now.

See, before he decided he really wanted to pack up his collection of cappae magnae (yeah baby, that's the plural!) and go back to Spain to be a pastoral bishop (nod, nod, wink, wink), Cardinal Cañizares Llovera made all the Reformers-of-the-Reform (who never celebrate the reformed Mass themselves) delirious with joy over his decree for the rest of us:


"It should be made clear once and for all . . . "

that the Sign of Peace was totally out-of-control and that it was time to, as our bow-tie-and-bearded-chums over at The New Liturgical (Bowel) Movement crowed, Rein In the Sign of Peace.

Among the ABUSES TO BE DEFINITIVELY CORRECTED AND NEVER TOLERATED EVER AGAIN, special scorn went to these ABOMINATIONS:

  • the departure of the priest from the altar in order to give the sign of peace to some of the faithful.
  • that in certain circumstances, such as at the Solemnity of Easter or of Christmas, or during ritual celebrations such as Baptism, First Communion, Confirmation, Matrimony, Sacred Ordinations, Religious Professions, and Funerals, the exchange of peace being the occasion for expressing congratulations, best wishes or condolences among those present. (Circular Letter, n. 6 c)

Until last week, when the not-to-be-reined-in Holy Father saw a group of elderly Sisters and Priests in their wheelchairs and decided to depart from the altar in order to give the sign of peace to some of the faithful as an occasion for expressing best wishes. What an incredibly beautiful couple of minutes and well worth watching. Then read the PROHIBITION again and have a good long laugh of holy joy and imagine the sounds of divine delight that must have reverberated through the halls of heaven.

You can enjoy the beauty of Pope Francis' pastoral sensitivity to these dedicated women and men at about 1:12 into this video of that Mass:



"It should be made clear once and for all . . . "

"In the restoration and promotion of the sacred liturgy, this full and active participation by all the people is the aim to be considered before all else" (Constitution on the Sacred Liturgy, n. 14)

"Even in the liturgy, the Church has no wish to impose a rigid uniformity in matters that do not implicate the faith or the good of the whole community" (n. 37)


Monday, January 19, 2015

A PONTIFICAL OBSERVATION







WING NUT SELF ROASTING ON A SELF LIT FIRE


It's funny how posts come together.  I wish I could claim to be the brain behind it all.  Usually it starts from a phone or email conversation, or some friend of a friend says, "Hey, Father D should check this out." Or something along those lines.  Then it's a matter of copy and paste, pictures, and a video clip or two. Really, fifteen minutes.


Here's a gem from his latest VORTEX: 
"The homosexualist movement never takes a break – pounding night and day, non-stop, never resting."

Wow, no wonder they all look so worn out.  
Nonstop sex, 24 x 7.  Never resting! 
YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!!!

Nope.  Not even on my best days!  
Thank you! And Happy New Year dear reader! 

For those who think these things are made up, the original is below. It starts about two minutes in.




You know, it did cross my mind that poor Michael Voris just might lighten up a bit if he really was "pounding night and day, non-stop, never resting . . . " but I digress.

And in RELATED news....








Sunday, January 18, 2015

Meanwhile . . . in the Philippines . . .



Haven't these two come a long way
since that March 2013 evening
when the newly-elected Pope Francis
explained to Monsignor Guido that
"the Carnival is over"?

Deo Gratias
and
Ad Multos Annos to them both!

Friday, January 16, 2015

URGENT DISCUSSION ITEM: WHAT CLERICAL ATTIRE SHOULD DEACONS WEAR?


Something ALL the lay Catholics are concerned about...

I'm sure you've all discussed it at your parish coffee hour and sodality meetings...

What should permanent Deacons wear for clerical clothing?

WSDW? What Should Deacons Wear?

Yeah. Some priests are really concerned about this. 

Deacons have enough challenges. Wives, pastors, parochial vicars (who want to be pastors) pastoral assistants, DREs (Oy vey...DREs!)


Who could ever forget when the Supine Farm was rented out for that horrible
 DRE-SUMMER RETREAT
and most of the Diocese's DREs arrived on motor-cycles?
They ran poor Reynaldo ragged that weekend, let me tell you!

Retreat Presenter Sister M. Charles "Just Call Me Chuck, Buster!" Borromeo, R.S.M.
brought down the barn with her keynote address:
"Iron Your Purificator, Father? Eat My Shorts!"
not to mention people who are still confused about the call to service, and what deacons can and can not do whom they encounter from day to day.  

Father D thinks we should let the deacons wear what they think is best for their ministry.  

Father Z wants to keep the black for himself. (And those ontologically changed through presbyterial ordination like him.) 

"Once you try black, you'll never go back."

Let us all pray Father Zuhlsdorf gets to dress in black, and only black, ALL the days of his life.

Let there be no fuchsia in his future.
No red but in his head.
No white anywhere in sight!
But only black upon his back!

We post this song and dedicate it to our beloved brother (from another father and mother) Father Z, especially because some folks think this blog has disrespected him. Well, we hereby make amends, Father Z, clerical hack dressed in black, this one's for you.




Sunday, January 11, 2015

At Least TWO Weekend "Ad Orientem" Masses Celebrated by Pope(s) in Rome

With all the gloom and doom and blood and guts and divisive rhetoric spewing across TV, the Internet and even the Catholic Blogosphere, especially from our favorite sedevacantists at RetRorate, what a glorious weekend it was in Rome for "ad orientem" fans as both Popes turned their backs on vitriol and faced the Lord who wants all his children to be one!

POPE FRANCIS

First, the official Pope (despite all those shady doings in the Conclave that have convinced the poor dears at RetRorate it was all invalid), Pope Francis, baptized 33 babies in the Sistine Chapel during a Mass celebrated at the fixed altar (not that portable one they rolled out for his first Mass after the Conclave, sending Reform of the Reformers rushing to grab their smelling salts and maniples).

As Francis pronounced each baby's name, he poured water from a golden "shell" onto their foreheads, welcoming them into the faith as some squirmed in their mother's arms and others slept peacefully. The 13 infant boys and 20 infant girls, including a set of twins, were all children of Vatican employees.

Pope Francis baptizes twins Laura and Sarah
Pope Francis celebrates Mass ad orientem - just like Jesus did!
But if you look closely (and people like me always do), you'll see he's using so-called "Eucharistic Prayer II," and real Masses require Eucharistic Prayer I (preferably in Latin), so this probably wasn't' a valid Mass even though he was at least facing the right way.

But of course because he's Francis, he had to go and ruin it all by bringing in (or actually by bringing out) breasts! Yes! During the homily, he likened the word of God to "substantial food," that would help the children grow well. Referring to the first reading from Isaiah, "You who have no money, come, receive grain and eat; come, without paying and without cost, drink wine and milk," Francis said: "You mothers give your children milk." Then, departing from his prepared text, he said: "And even now, if they're crying because they're hungry, breastfeed them. Don't worry about it!" The written text had the phrase "give them milk," but Francis had to change it of course to the Italian "allattetli," which means "breastfeed them." Why does he do that? At least the other Popes stuck to the script the Curia wrote for them.


As the infants in the room famous for Michelangelo's frescoes cried, Francis asked his listeners to remember poor mothers around the world, "too many, unfortunately, who can't give food to their children." Even before the homily, at least one mother was seen breastfeeding, perhaps recalling that the pope had used similar words before to make mothers feel at ease.

Meanwhile, at another church, on the other side of town


POPE PIUS XIII (shhhh . . . .)

Raymond Cardinal Burke also celebrated Mass "ad orientem" but dressed much nicer, surrounded however by much uglier people. He was assisted by a very famous blogging priest (even though he's dressed up like he's not a priest yet) whose name we don't want to use because we've upset some of our commenters who think we've been unkind to him. And we have, I admit it. But you know, I can't help it. He just seems to inspire such bad behavior. I think he always has. I mean, just imagine how many times in primary school, kids like me must have grabbed his lunch and stomped on it. I bet it happened day after day after day. Picture it. His gourmet mozzarella a la bufalo, his carefully hand-cut prosciutto, the delicate homemade hazelnut biscotti he had whipped up the night before, and his little itsy bitsy thermos, probably with Our Lady of Fatima on it (no wait, he was a Protestant then), filled with a crisp but not overly dry Pinot from the Alban hills was probably seized from his pudgy little dimples-where-the-knuckles-should-be, still-Protestant-but-one-day-to-be-anointed-with-sacred-chrism hands and thrown to the playground asphalt and mercilessly stomped on by heartless little bastards like me. Who then probably gave him a power wedgie and stuffed him in the custodian's closet. In the closet. Cruel.

So let's just let him and buddies smile for the camera!



Count the chins!
But at least: NO BREAST-FEEDING HERE!
Deo gratias!


And manly as talent night at the seminary

you can bet your collapsable biretta!
Speaking of manly, we are happy to premier the new official Hymn for the New E-MAN-gelization, a story we featured the other day in a post even more tasteless than this one.
Hymn for the New E-MAN-gelization


BONUS VIDEO

Mass at another church in Rome, attached to a seminary renowned for its experimentations in inculturation!