Saturday, December 5, 2015


Sorry I've been gone for so long.

I should never have given myself to this apostolic adventure but look at those lovely Orthodox old and even younger Nuns of the convent named after the Virgin Mary whose icon adorns the Nunnery and is called "Легко собирается Мать Чокнутый ЛЮДИ" supposedly "Joy of All Who Sorrow,"
but I think the Russian means, "Easy-Going Mom of Every Freaking Total Whack-Job." But I digress.

Once the gang of my old novitiate showed up (and I do NOT miss living there and instead - thank you JESUS! - sailing around the stipend scoop-ups waterfront missions on my own!), we got the size of everything just about right!
Because the last time Vladyka Eureka of Topeka came to visit, the phosphora was slightly on the "big" size. If you get my drift!
There he is banging the diskos with the tire-iron from my pickup truck!

At the end of the whole project, we monks and nuns first watched the EWTN (Elderly Woman Talking Nonsense) presentation of the Pope meeting with Lutherans in Rome (Lutherans over here are the ones our MSNBC people thought just blew up that place in California, but I digress).

The Lutherans presented the Pope with an Advent Wreath. I don't think that coming from South America, Francis would even know what the hell that is. Benny would have I'm sure. Anyhow they used red candles (you'll see MY choice later on!):
We were amazed at what Francis gave them!
Same Chalice he gives Catholic bishops to show that they're all in Communion with him. And one Catholic wife had asked him if her Lutheran husband could receive Communion in the Catholic Church. We thought the way he looked at HER after giving her husband's pastor the same Chalice he gives Catholic Bishops kind of gave her an unofficial answer:
Wow. Imagine how pissed off Cardinal Capote must have been when he saw pictures of that on the computers up at the Transylvanian Vampires where he's spending Advent. Great shot of his face!
Then we finished the day up by first praying together a special service remembering "the gang that went before us"
And then had a fun-fun outdoor dinner together
Well, they did! But after those prayers around all the skulls of our previous monks and nuns, I couldn't imagine keeping the smoked sausage down in my tummy, so I boated on home to the hermitage.

Invitations galore came over my iPhone. OK, I'm supposed to be "abiding in silence" but I have to be "in touch" with all those who are "out of it."

And I visited these on my way home:

Episcopal friends mixing Roman purple, Sarum blue, and Pinky Rose. What the heck, looks OK, don't you think?

Then the BIG Roman guys on the other island. Look at those brass wax-catchers. I wonder what the hell they cost?

One of the other guys is about 6'7" and wants EVERYTHING up front in the church standing up as tall as him. Look at the Advent wreath!

Then there's the "OTHER" parish. I had to stop. But I did NOT stick around. If you get my drift!

Then I stopped at the local "active" Sisters' two places. Remember them? They "minister" . . . ahem . . . at the beach!
Well, she tried (but not very hard, given her limited amount of time away from the beach):

The older Sister's a bit more inspiring, habit-wise:
Lovely wreath (ahem). But I digress.

And finally I made it home. Not much to look at, but here you go. Except for the pink, I don't pick out any special color. Purple. Red. Burgundy. Maroon. Depends on your eyes. But I digress.
And after the wreaths, it's time to pick out music. I don't know about you, but I've dumped some of the typical Advent chants that can really be depressing.

Now at the Liturgy instead of that groaning and grinding chant "Let Us Who Mystically Represent the Cherubim . . . " I lead the crowd in this. Hey before being laicized to become a movie star, Rev. Bing Crosby was a parish priest both in The Bells of Saint Mary's:
and Going My Way:

So why not let him, as a layman, sing this deeply religious song?

Then, when the people are leaving after the final blessing, since we don't have to keep it strictly liturgical at that point, we always put this on the speaker system!

So even though the scriptures boom, "PREPARE YE THE WAY OF THE LORD!" (Scary as hell or MSNBC news)! this sends everyone home smiling!

Like the President did when his Mom prepared him to govern us in time of Lutheran (?) jihad!
Obviously a tough ruler right from the friggin' beginning, right?  Remember how serious he grew up to be?
Fear ye not! Unless ye be a malignant belligerent Lutheran (or whatever they are).

Meanwhile, speaking of tough, one of our constant posters (I'll let you guess her name!) has written in and asked to send out this special dedicated Advent-Christmas hymn to some dancing seminarians she knows will soon be on their way home in their Gammarelli attire! Looks to me like the place is getting ready for Truman Cardinal Capote's election as Pius XIII!
But according to our poster (I can't give her name!), the dancing seminarians will be home with gifts - for themselves and their bishop friends at home! Little pics right from the catalogue according to her!
Perfect Advent vestments!
And funeral vestments that tell you what they think of eternal life when Jesus calls us home to eternal joy!
And always wear your seminary hat, when you're looking for some Christmas $$$ from the folks back home. Don't wear these to the seminarians' usual clubs, if you get my drift.

And she (did you guess her name yet?), wants a musical dedication to those dancing seminarians heading home. So let me close with her very specific suggestion while I go bake the cookies for the Sisters who are stopping by this evening.

Happy Advent! This video will inspire some great Fund Raising Dinner Entertainment for next year! After the Thanksgiving Cornhole Tournament, the two tap dancers will fit right . . . uh, right in here, that is. According to the writer (know who she is?) these are "future bishops' secretaries . . . under Pius XIII maybe even monsignors!"

But seriously:


  1. Mr. Zuhlsdorf... If you really had a "pair" you'd open up comments on your site. What agency do you use to hire the extras to occupy the seats?

    1. Dear Bollocks,
      I think Brass Ass deals with an agency called 'Lobotomy Inc.'

  2. Father D, while you ministered on the islands and on the beach, I had the race track Mass today. Don't give up your cyber ministry. It's too needed.

  3. Well, today Donald Trump slammed the doors shut on the Year of Mercy. Guess Fr. Z will like that.

    1. There's no money in mercy but there's heaps to be extracted from Simony.

    2. Thank Christ Barack Hussein Obama has kept the Doors of Mercy open these seven years . . . otherwise, the Army Big Shot would never have been able to yell ALLAH AKBAR BUUBBAHH BOO and shoot our soldiers dead (including a pregnant mother) at Fort Hood, other MOOSLIMS shoot military recruitment officers in Little Rock, and these damn Christian (and Muslim) workers at San Bernardino . . . yeah, forget Trump - let's elect Hillary Clinton to keep the Doors of Mercy Open. She thinks Trump is "SHAMEFUL!" Unlike her wonderful husband whose pants were down around his ankles in the Oval Office while the intern his daughter's age took care of his dick . . .

    3. Fort Hood murderer and US Army psychiatrist(!) Major Nidal Hasan was born in Virginia.
      You are aggressively stupid.

    4. And Obama wouldn't let Demonic Hasan be called an Islamic terrorist, and the people he killed and those he wounded be praised as victims of Islamic terrorism. Remember? It was "work violence"? Or were you on your knees the whole time kissing that Asshole Obama's icon in your house? YOU'RE AGGRESSIVELY STUPID.

    5. WWZD, while you speak with great sense you have shoveled sand up a hill trying to confuse a right wingnut with facts. Hasan has been excluded from being called a terrorist under the same principle that the Planned Parenthood shooter was.

      Remember, Zuhlsdorf needs assclowns like this to keep his money flowing and the Drumpf ticket needs these angry fools for votes.

  4. hey 7:49, you sound sane