Posted on 4 September 2015 by Fr. Juan Todd Duhzuhldorf
The diligent Lance of Pocket Rocket, in the wake of the great Seminarian Biretta Project (ongoing) has sent me two mighty tools of the New Exaggeration.
Behold a “scruple spoon”.
And the Pocket Rocket.
Bada-Bing, Bada-Bang, Bada-Bong, Bada-BOING, baby!
I lacked these weapons of demon-terrorizing in my liturgical and extra-liturgical arse-nal. No more! Thanks to Lance.
I am still getting notes from seminarians. Can you imagine,
“But Father! But Father!”, some libs are puling, “Besides your scruple spoon, that’s a huge ladle of a penile thing! How big is your ‘precious
Nope, it means none of those things. It does mean, however, that I adhere to what Unreconstructed Ossified Manualists hold (and I usually let them hold whatever they want . . . but I digress!): pour too much water into the wine and you have invalid matter for consecration; have a teeny tiny weenie and your chances of Chancery dancin' will vastly "shrink". Get it? We learn from Tanquerey (that tonic for the soul), that “quinta pars aquae ad vinum corrumpendum non sufficiat … a fifth part of water isn’t enough to break [the substance of] the wine”, and thus render it invalid matter for consecration. And "Nemo dat quod non habet . . . only half a Viagra might keep you from rolling out of bed, but will not UP your chances of snagging those purple buttons once Simple Francis heads home to Argentina to work among the slum scum and FINALLY one of the Eleven Cardinals Who Hate Lay People And Write Stupid Books Only Life-hating Friendless Assholes Read gets elected to redon the red velvet mozzetta lined with dead animal fur and rekindle The Resumed Irrelevant Papacy. Raymond Leo "Lance" Burke, anyone? Big George Pell? Rebecca Sarah? I get big just thinking of those lace-draped ladies, even without my Austin Powers Swedish Penile Pump from dear Lance!
Fathers, if you don’t use much wine, which is my practice, you had better be careful with that water! And if you don't get bigger than your side altar's smallest Tridentine candlestick, you'd better start learning How To Use Lance's Austin Powers' Ladle!
So, the careful priest, and I am careful (well, except with calories: look at my 15 chins, fascia-lashed pot belly, and huge old ass!), has the option of a little spoon, often called a “scruple spoon” and a little pump to make the tiny vessel into your own strapping steeple! Ring my bell . . . ell . . . ell, ring my bell! Oh yeah, ring my bell!
As far as the size of the spoon is concerned, here are a couple objects to add perspective, namely, a .45 ACP snap cap and a packet of hot sauce from Chick-fil-A and Lance's Penile Pump!
You “dunk” the spoon into the narrow neck of the cruet to fish up some water. You dunk the other thing into the pump to fish up the non-fish! Ha! Ha! Ha! And be careful how small the neck of the thing is into which you then "dunk" it.
You never have to worry. One less thing. And one bigger thing.
One of you readers and frequent donors here, AH, sent a bunch of cards she had made with the Apostolic Pardon/Blessing printed in Latin and English. They are wallet-sized. She also sent free copies of the Austin Power Penile Pump Manual. She said I should give them to priests…. and I will! Since neither product cost me a damn dime: the dumb blog bitch paid for them!
OK! Speaking of dumb bitches, time to see if that Filipino seamstress has "butched up" my clerical shirts! It's a holiday weekend and that could mean a Pig Roast, if you get my drift!
Bada-bing! Bada-bang! Bada-bong! Bada-BOING, baby!