Friday, September 4, 2015

RECENTLY RECEIVED ITEMS

Recently Received Items
Posted on 4 September 2015 by Fr. Juan Todd Duhzuhldorf

The diligent Lance of Pocket Rocket, in the wake of the great Seminarian Biretta Project (ongoing) has sent me two mighty tools of the New Exaggeration.

Behold a “scruple spoon”.



And the Pocket Rocket.




Bada-Bing, Bada-Bang, Bada-Bong, Bada-BOING, baby!

I lacked these weapons of demon-terrorizing in my liturgical and extra-liturgical arse-nal. No more! Thanks to Lance.

I am still getting notes from seminarians. Can you imagine, boys MEN who feel the urgent call to embrace celibacy for the sake of the kingdom of heaven and are going through the excruciating decision to give up marriage and fatherhood are calling me to ask about where they can buy ankle length dresses, lacy liturgical lingerie, and medieval hats with pom-poms! These boys MEN are the answer to all your Prayers for Shepherds after Christ's Own Heart Who Will Make Catholicism and Church Life Relevant for the Future. Yeah, baby! EVERYONE! Call Lance and get a biretta for a seminarian macho man! Click HERE

“But Father! But Father!”, some libs are puling, “Besides your scruple spoon, that’s a huge ladle of a penile thing!  How big is your ‘precious chalice vessel’?  Does hating Vatican II mean that you are scrupulous, too? Does wearing dresses and lacy liturgical lingerie and medieval pom-pom hats mean you're a flaming fruitcake?  HA HA!”

Nope, it means none of those things.  It does mean, however, that I adhere to what Unreconstructed Ossified Manualists hold (and I usually let them hold whatever they want . . . but I digress!): pour too much water into the wine and you have invalid matter for consecration; have a teeny tiny weenie and your chances of Chancery dancin' will vastly "shrink". Get it? We learn from Tanquerey (that tonic for the soul), that quinta pars aquae ad vinum corrumpendum non sufficiat … a fifth part of water isn’t enough to break [the substance of] the wine”, and thus render it invalid matter for consecration. And "Nemo dat quod non habet . . .  only half a Viagra might keep you from rolling out of bed, but will not UP your chances of snagging those purple buttons once Simple Francis heads home to Argentina to work among the slum scum and FINALLY one of the Eleven Cardinals Who Hate Lay People And Write Stupid Books Only Life-hating Friendless Assholes Read gets elected to redon the red velvet mozzetta lined with dead animal fur and rekindle The Resumed Irrelevant Papacy. Raymond Leo "Lance" Burke, anyone? Big George Pell? Rebecca Sarah? I get big just thinking of those lace-draped ladies, even without my Austin Powers Swedish Penile Pump from dear Lance!



Fathers, if you don’t use much wine, which is my practice, you had better be careful with that water! And if you don't get bigger than your side altar's smallest Tridentine candlestick, you'd better start learning How To Use Lance's Austin Powers' Ladle!

So, the careful priest, and I am careful (well, except with calories: look at my 15 chins, fascia-lashed pot belly, and huge old ass!), has the option of a little spoon, often called a “scruple spoon” and a little pump to make the tiny vessel into your own strapping steeple! Ring my bell . . . ell . . . ell, ring my bell! Oh yeah, ring my bell!

As far as the size of the spoon is concerned, here are a couple objects to add perspective, namely, a .45 ACP snap cap and a packet of hot sauce from Chick-fil-A and Lance's Penile Pump!





You “dunk” the spoon into the narrow neck of the cruet to fish up some water. You dunk the other thing into the pump to fish up the non-fish! Ha! Ha! Ha! And be careful how small the neck of the thing is into which you then "dunk" it.



You never have to worry.  One less thing. And one bigger thing.

One of you readers and frequent donors here, AH, sent a bunch of cards she had made with the Apostolic Pardon/Blessing printed in Latin and English.  They are wallet-sized. She also sent free copies of the Austin Power Penile Pump Manual. She said I should give them to priests…. and I will! Since neither product cost me a damn dime: the dumb blog bitch paid for them!



OK! Speaking of dumb bitches, time to see if that Filipino seamstress has "butched up" my clerical shirts! It's a holiday weekend and that could mean a Pig Roast, if you get my drift!

Bada-bing! Bada-bang! Bada-bong! Bada-BOING, baby!


You know, whenever I read Father Zuhlsdorf, I remember that we shouldn't judge others . . . but then I think . . . well, sometimes . . . 


32 comments:

  1. But where would a traditional priest be without an enema kit?

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    Replies
    1. Up Shit's Creek of course....

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  2. Father Dearest, I hate to bitch, even though it's in my complementarity-controlled nature to do so, but can you insert a secret code before any link that goes to Zickhead's slimefest? I inadvertently clicked on the biretta project link and found this:
    "Yes, Fr. Z is taking ads…
    ... and there will be nearly 1,000,000 page loads this month." -- an obscene number to which I HATE to contribute by clicking that load o' crap's worthless output of crap. I realize it was my error, but honest, Father, I knew not what I did until I did it.

    Zickhead gets 999,999 more clicks monthly than he should and I hate to be even accidentally numbered among them. Thanks for your consideration, and for the time and effort you give to THIS blog, which provides raucous satirical laughter almost daily.

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    1. I wouldn't worry about it much.
      The "1,000,000 page loads a month" is a load of crap. Do we really think that Lacy-boy does not skew his numbers? Of course, he does. Ethics is not his strong suit. He is only interested in bottom line: Fleecing his followers and taking the next "much needed" vacation. HA!!!

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    2. Yikes! In my naïveté I had not considered Zickhead cooked the clicky numbers. Thanks. I'm crossing off that concern and retracting my request to Father Dearest.

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    3. Ethics is not his strong suit, indeed. I've caught him in lies, plagiarism and post hoc editing of his mistakes without notation. I have never once seen a word of retraction or apology.

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    4. Didn't he rip off Julia Child's recipe once and claim it was his own?

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    5. Yes indeed. The amazing Readerette spotted that post, certainly an oversight by Fr. Zzzz. Said post suddenly vanished into fat air.

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    6. Oh goody, I get to tell the story again. So, what Father Zuhlsdorf did was post about his adventures in making a French cuisine basic, le sauce Béarnaise.

      He began by goading people to buy Julia Child and Simca Beck's Mastering the Art of French Cooking I &II via his Amazon Affiliate link.
      His article explained his steps in making the sauce. It's a basic, and MTAOFC gives the classic recipe, and if he knew a few variations or rescues no problem, they might have come from elsewhere. He wrote that through his trial and error he'd come up with several steps to rescue sauce sauce Béarnaise (or Hollandaise, they're basically the same). None were particularly original--clarified butter for a thicker sauce, rescue a sauce which began to scramble by pushing it through a fine mesh strainer, thin it when you rewarm with vinegar or lemon juice, or if that would over-flavour it, warm water. So far so good. Then digressed into how he also knew the variations sauce Colbert et sauce Charon, as if from his own knowledge. Hmm, Mastering the Art mentions both but like Zuhlsdorf omits sauce Foyot, which is another variation and more common than the preceding two, because few home cooks have veal stock sitting about. Could be coincidence? No: we have the smoking gun: he says that if you can't rescue a thermally-shocked egg sauce, add in a chopped hard boiled egg as if that was the plan all along, and it will still be delicious but with a different texture.

      That is pure Julia Child. There are letters back-and-forth with Simone Beck, her co-author, in which Julia wants to include this for the American home cook and Simca takes a very firm line against it, start over! Julia finally got her own way on her tv show, when she taught this tip in an episode on the sauces from her own cookbook that had no co-author.

      It got worse: He put a Paypal button in the article below these tips asking for money to thank him for "his" what Julia Child called Kitchen Wisdom.

      I happen to be quite friendly with people who knew Mrs Child. I learned to cook well from someone who had been a kitchen assistant. And I also know one of Julia Child's much younger relatives. So I sent a few people the link. At least one person got in touch and told him to attribute the material and stop asking people to pay him for someone else's creative work. She emailed me a screenshot.

      He wrote an Update to his post, about bean salad. So we know he knows how to append a correction. But instead of retracting and apologizing for his (mistake? plagiarism? you decide) in the same way he re-wrote the post as though it was there all along. It now says:

      I don’t remember where I picked this up, but I know it was from Julia Child. It isn’t in the Art of French Cooking but I have it on a sheet of notes tucked into the cover. She suggests to add chopped hard boiled eggs and more herbs and maybe capers and present on the side of the plate as a garnish it as if that were exactly the way you wanted it to be. Don’t lose your cool.

      http://wdtprs.com/blog/2014/06/fr-zs-kitchen-sauces-and-some-rescue-tips/


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    7. What an ass! (Z, not thee. Thee is a peach for doing all that typing...brava!) Great story. I vote for plagiarism.

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    8. Thanks, Anon.

      What blows my mind is he thought he could get away with it. She was America's most beloved cook, by home and professional chefs alike. She was teaching a recipe that was rarely made at home until she came along. The rescue instructions are one of her most legendary battles with Simca Beck, and a reason why after MTAOFC they didn't collaborate again, though they remained good friends for the rest of their lives The drama is preserved in an archive at Radcliffe Library, Harvard College. There are several biographies written about Julia and a Meryl Streep movie. Her work is in no way obscure and it's important to a lot of people. She's not some nobody-cares-cranky-fifteenth-century monk writing about no-one-cares-erroneous-declensions-from-the-original-latin-for-the-second-collect-of-the-septuagessima-vespers.

      Maybe the disappearing doctorate is because he was flunked for cheating? Maybe not, but his dissertation committee ought to pay close attention to his bibliography. If there's still any doubt at all where Father Z's brainstorm came from, see here:

      https://youtu.be/6jhGKIkgTcQ?t=1328

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    9. Great story about Julia Child, Readerette. Thanks!

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    10. http://wdtprs.com/blog/2012/04/celebratory-meal-for-sspx-and-lcrw-news/#comment-335782

      I am late to join this, but Readerette thank you for sharing that. I had a weird encounter at the WDTPRS blog of my own, which I linked above. Rev. Zuhlsdorf's blog frequently includes recommendations of biographies he's read or reading and not all of them are of religious figures. I thought his red-lined comment very inconsistent with his habits and frankly, it rankled then and does still. I suspect he just was disappointed to learn that Mr. and Mrs. Child were enthusiastic liberals who would have thought Humanae Vitae was so much nonsense. But what else could anyone expect of a childless couple who orbited the Harvard intelligentsia?

      As to the handling of the non-attributed material, that's a sad story if it's true. I wish for Rev. Zuhlsdorf's sake that I had any reason to doubt you but I don't. At least the correction got done. As you know, that is not often the case at that blog. It is very unfortunate though that Rev. Zuhlsdorf strives so hard to be thought of as a public intellectual, he does not view an apology and correction -- even it's one for innocent cryptomnesia -- as a duty to be done with gratitude. I think to resent needing to admit your mistakes shows self-absorption and grandiosity.

      You mention your connection to Mrs. Child's family and retinue but not to Mrs. Child herself. I infer that you didn't know her as well. I did, in a slight way as a young neighbor of hers. You strike me as a very bright and thoughtful woman, and if you also have a passion for cooking I can say confidently that she certainly would have enjoyed knowing you.

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  3. With this post I think you've lost it, fr D.
    Please keep losing it. : D

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    1. Saying that Father has lost it, implies that Father once had it to begin with. As someone who knows myself very well, I can give testimony (and have done so under oath several times) that Father never had it to begin with. Please cease and resist these unfounded accusations. Thank you.

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. After dressing up a Fleet of Flamers in Pom-Poms from a long-dead clericalist cult, Zildo is now arming them with a similarly out of date spoon that even back then was only used by totally obsessed with rubrics sickos.

    That fat fuck who runs Madison approves this? Along with the other dim wit Bishops whose freaks follow this nut? How pathetic it all is.

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  6. Father D, there's an article about the upcomming papal trip and fellow blogger Rocco Palmo's coverage of it. Even has a recent picture of the young chap, and yup, he's still a chain smoker.

    http://www.philly.com/philly/columnists/helen_ubinas/20150903_Philly_s__Pope_Whisperer_.html

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    1. The article reports that Palmo was "chain smoking Djarum clove cigarettes." Oh my. Aren't hard-boiled investigators supposed to chain-smoke unfiltered Lucky Strikes? And the churchmen he covers always appear to enjoy being photographed with their lips around a fat cigar.

      The Cardinal can spot talent early:
      When Palmo was 8, the newly elevated Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua spotted a beaming Palmo in a pew at the Cathedral Basilica of Ss. Peter and Paul and asked: "Are you going to be a cardinal someday?"
      "Oh, yes," Palmo was quoted as saying in a Daily News article. "Definitely."


      Admiring Palmo's sourcing, one religion reporter is quoted saying, "Rocco has always been amazingly plugged in." Let's hope he wasn't 'plugged in' by one of Bevilacqua's.

      There are a number of other real howlers in that puff piece.

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  7. frjim4321 says:

    6 August 2015 at 12:59 PM


    "If Cabella’s were to make them in camo I might consider wearing one."

    I wonder if fr Jim has the wood on Lacy Boy. He consistently takes the piss right out of him often attracting a cattie, snarky reaction from the precious Brass Ass, but he hasn't been banned!?

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  8. Back in the day Bobbie Mac taught me the importance of those tall slender spoons - do they have a name. He also taught me that I had to kiss the cruets before handing them to the priest.

    No wonder I went Episcopalian!

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  9. Another example of the Wisconsin Dip Stick's volcanic contempt for Francis. This is the kind of stuff US readers of Fr D's blog should copy and post this kind of scandalously subversive material to Morlino and Vigano in DC.
    Here he goes again:


    "However… there was a golden moment.

    He congratulated a young single mother who made the choice for life for her unborn daughters. He said that she could have killed them but she respected the life in her womb and he thanks and congratulated her for making that choice… in sincere and strong words and emotion.

    Emotion ruled the day, it had a liberal agenda, and it was not a little manipulative, but that’s all we can expect in the MSM now. They took the usual tack that this is the first Pope who has ever smiled… ever said a kind word… ever kissed a baby.. that he’s the most wonderfullest fluffiest Pope ehvur! Gosh, he’s so humble. And thing with the nun.. meh. God bless her for her work. The timing… meh."

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    1. Disgusting stuff.

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    2. Yes, he gets the spinning pineapple topped with bitter onions award for his award winning performance of monumental auto-erotic self-idolatry and sheer bad manners!

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    3. Nuncio's office, yeah.... a good place for a complaint. Unfortunately I think that Zuhlsfraud has the Extraordinarily Round Ordinary over a barrel or he's giving him massages under the faldstoool.

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    4. Disgusting stuff: the image of Zuhlsdorf licking Morlino's sweaty bollocks.

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  10. I wasn't as moved by the whole ABC thing as many people were. Some parts of it were great like thanking the nun and asking the teen girl to sing en Ingles. However, I thought the ABC editing was just weird and that they cut out in odd spots. It would have benefited from more of Pope Francis talking. I also would have liked to actually hear Pope Francis rather than the translator.

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  11. This tiny little tool is something a priest uses to say a Mass? Ok fine not every priest and I get it's optional equipment, but all this ridiculous intricacy leaves me wondering who designed the Mass? A demented Swiss watchmaker on crack, or Jesus?

    Also, how pathetic that Father Zuhlsdorf couldn't resist including a bullet for size comparison instead of oh, I dunno, a ruler? He's constantly doing his part to advance the Ammosexualist agenda. .

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    1. The bullet represents the manhood Zuhlsdorf wishes he had.

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    2. The size of that bullet maybe indicate the real reason for Lacy Boy's inner torture and resentment, "Little man" syndrome. Know what I mean?

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    3. Little man below the waist. Around the waist he is huge.

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  12. To provide scale in their many, many site photos, geologists use the objects nearest and dearest to their hearts: a hammer and/or a beer.

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