Wednesday, September 2, 2015

GOOD LUCK SEMINARIANS! HAPPY RECTOR'S WELCOME BACK PIG ROAST & LOTSA LUCK!

Welcome back, boys men! Don't miss my pig roast!
Or you could find yourself "roasted".
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Devotedly in Christ,
Your Very Important Even Though Not Yet Mitred Rector
OK, so I'm not the Master of Miserable Machos Surging Seminarians in Madison, like my buddy Father Z.

But I do have a devoted readership among Seminarians world wide!

Plenty of "hits" on my humble page, from Madison, points East and West, North and South, Ordinary Form, Extraordinary Form, Latin, English, and a few other languages.

Even quite a few hits from Rome (and I don't mean dear young Reynaldo just checking up on me to make sure I haven't thrown out his One Direction posters and lunchbox!).

So the other day one of our . . . let's say "young ethnic Seminarians" (from one of the many countries that doesn't have fond memories of the USA's "action" in their homeland) . . . emailed me with news of his return to the Seminary for another year of "formation" . . . and awesome pictures from his Rector's Welcome Back Opening Mass and Pig Roast.

I don't know about you, and I get the Opening Mass, but is a pig roast a very good way to reopen the Seminary year? Besides slaughtering edible animals, you may not know this but all my years in the inner city priory of my non-meat-eating monastic Order that combined the full chanted Divine Office (including Matins in the middle of the night) with its day and night street-smart ministry taught me what city thugs and hoodlums of both sexes mean by "pig roast" and "spit roast." 

Ye gods! Oh well . . . 

Dear Father D,
Hope all is well with your stipend-scooping boat ministry! LOL! After a gruesome flight (I don't have lay losers paying my way like Father Zuhlsdorf . . . yet! Just kidding . . . you told me not to turn into a mercenary clericalist asshole like him and I'm trying not to!), I landed in XXXX and took public transportation, like you suggested Pope Francis would want me to do, over to XXXX Seminary. It was already night and this was the best picture I could get of it. My room is the one with the light in the very back. At the top of the tower is the Rector's Suite which he had remodeled for $XXX,XXX. Probably from all the money he's made on his books and videos (and I won't forget your joke about watching only his Church vids and not his porn clips. Ha! Ha! Ha! I think even his Church vids are porn . . . but I digress, as you would say!)
Rector "presided" at Lauds. You told me to ask him during the first Q & A where he stood on the Deflated Balls Controversy but I don't dare cuz that would make the other Rector-haters laugh and Rector ass-kissers scheme against our "perseverance"!
Faculty is the same as last year and they greeted us in the morning after that 45 minute SUNG Lauds in all the languages represented by the seminarians from about 50 different nations. Eww and Ugh what a way to start a day.
Then came what has to be one of the grossest beginnings to anything I've ever had to go to:


THE RECTOR'S PIG ROAST

Can you imagine they have a Pig Roast to start the year off. Especially when one of the previous Rectors was nicknamed Piggy and the current Rector looks like one! Ha! Ha! Ha! Everything is done by those Nuns the Rector took in as a favor to the LOCAL HEAD OF THE CHURCH (you told me before never to identify him in my emails). Their ranch is right behind the Seminary:
It's weird how nice they are to the animals that they're preparing to slaughter and make tons of money on. Though, like you said before, they're sort of an image of the Seminary itself. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Sister Mary Cunegunda (guess what her nickname is among the seminarians!) takes care of the pigs:
You can see from that club she's holding that "takes care of" doesn't really take care of what she really does.

Here are some pics from the get together. One of the unhappy and disgruntled Faculty priests suggested we use some spare copies of The Missal to get the fire going (around here there are closets full of The Missal in various sizes and bindings):
BEFORE FORMATION

AFTER FORMATION

We all called this "OUR RECTOR LOOK ALIKE"
The nuns joined us after they killed the animals they had so lovingly cared for:
Like you said,"from Brides to Bitches" in no time flat and a lot like the Seminary faculty who celebrate at the end of every year after "killing" us! And sending most of us off to that nuthouse in Omaha! Really sad.

Well, Father D, pray for me. Pray for all of us. It's time for another "Rector's Conference." We have to leave our cell phones at the door because he knows no one listens to him. Endless stories about all the Cardinals and Bishops he knows (like you told me, "whose asses he's kissed over many years"). I remember telling you how he practically cried at the conference after Cardinal XXXX of XXXX died. You told me that was one of two loser Cardinals he had pinned his Pointed Hat Quest on. Ha! Ha! Ha! And more news on all the books we have to buy (thanks for telling me that THAT publisher has a hefty $$$$ deal going with him. Ha! Ha! Ha!). I'll let you know when the local HitlerYugenTutum is flying Father Zuhlsdorf back to town for wining and dining and whining and ripping us all off!

Say hey to Reynaldo for me!

Sincerely in Jesus and His Mother Mary,
XXXX

Well, there you have it. Poor bastard! What an inspiration that sad email is to make all of us wish all our seminarian readers well, and to pray for them.

But let's be honest. Father D wants to hear more! So . . . 

Seminarian Readers from around the world: let's hear from you. Feel free to fill my COMBOX with precious and riotous stories about all the bullshit fun times you're having at your seminary! You don't have to name names or place places. Just say enough so we can all guess what nuthouse accredited seminary you're imprisoned at assigned to this year!

If you're stuck at "The Dance Academy" even though you're not a dancer or show tunes dude, make sure you say hey too - and feel free to leave some "dirt" behind!

Love and laughter, prayers and a chaste kiss of peace,
your friend,
Father D

Speaking of "The Dance Academy," here's an awesome video clip of one of their best a cappella tunes ever! Even though they're not wearing their cassocks, they're still well dressed!

18 comments:

  1. I lost my virginity to a seminarian. Is that riotous enough?!

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    1. Well honey...you're not alone. In my day, the guys car pooled to the clubs in Boston and miraculously got up for morning prayer. I can even remember one breakfast someone brought down their freshly showered conquest of the past evening/morning, got breakfast together and came to my table where it was introduced as "bumped into my cousin last night." We all looked at each other and rose from our seats en masse.

      Ya know....ya gotta sing...ya gotta pray and yes, ya gotta get laid.

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    2. Janet, sounds remarkably like the seminary experience of your current young clergy, doesn't it? Must make the BF laugh on that California King bed! Are your Curial connections going to hook you up with some Cuban cigars in a few weeks? You'll want to make the new place smell as bad as we hear the old one still does!

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    3. One Holy Week at my seminary at the after liturgy cocktail party, the then auxiliary bishop, who lived at the seminary, got hammered (as usual) as did most of the guys. Three of the seminarians reenacted the foot washing ceremony, and got a bit carried away and had a spit roast of their own. Well, many people found out and the seminarian from the neighboring diocese was sent home. The two from our diocese were sent to the NAC, and one of them is now secretary to the bishop. The alcoholic auxiliary (who assisted inchoir at one of the threesomes first Mass) was given his own diocese an hour away.

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    4. Hmmm .... That sounds very much like a bishop who came back to his home diocese and got arrested for DUI and leaving the scene of the accident. Why the hell aren't these phony incompetent clerical careerists fired? And why was the little smart ass whose First Mass he attended "in choir" promoted to being another bishop's secretary? Poor Francis coming to visit a country FILLED with these fucking (for real) phonies!

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  2. As the Boys in the clerical processing school settle down to six or seven years of social engineering and compliance education, they might draw strength and inspiration from the story of the Gadarene swine. It's all about unity, social coherence and group focus.

    The only evidence in the entire New Testament which describes one group going in the same direction at the same time and with the same intent is the folk tale of the Gadarene swine.

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  3. "I was thrown out of seminary spit roasts twice…

    … before I was ordained by the author of Ordinatio sacerdotalis."

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    1. ^^^quote of Zildo's above (google it). He's now returned to "home and hot plate". One wonders what exactly was his earlier "view for a while".

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    2. Venice beach in LA?

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  4. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xh_9QhRzJEs

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    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  5. Just connected to the Rector's Blog and discovered to my shock that you did NOT MAKE THIS UP, Father D! I thought for sure it was a total fiction rather than a spoof of reality. I mean the whole thing is so unreal.

    Great great job! One of the funniest ever. The Chris Farley picture and the nun with the pig. My coffee was spewed all over the table.

    And JANET! I bet some people would LOVE to know WHO YOU ARE! Keep the laughs coming!

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  6. PIG ROAST????

    Apart from the vile meanings in the urban dictionary, what about the simple existence of vegetarians???? Couldn't the gathering have been simply called a "cook out"? Or BBQ?

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  7. Neither "cookout" nor "BBQ" provides the testosteroney impact as does PIG ROAST. Skewering a plump, innocent creature with a long, hard, sharp thingy and cooking it over an open flame, then dressing it in sumptuous veggie finery to serve on an elegant tray is just so...manly, so "master of all he surveys," so evocative of all that sublime power, which, one day, you too can possess in all the glory of its ontological reality.

    (Now I have to go flush my eyeballs with bleach after reading the urban dictionary.)

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  8. Oh shit, Father. I knew you'd get even with me for the links about figging someday. I will NEVER look at pulled pork barbecue the same again.

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    1. It's only fair, since you ruined "figgy pudding" for me.

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  9. You can all order a HOLY WATER LADLE for these lads!! See Zildo's latest post for details!
    You won't break the substance of the wine if you chase it with a fifth (of water)!
    When is this hobbyist returning to Brighton to wow the boys?

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    1. Return to Brighton? Only if and when Ray Blake's Anawim raise enough Sterling from cake stalls to provide appearance money for the Rapacious.One.

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