Monday, August 17, 2015


OK, so I'm sorry I posted that video of the Giant Puppets at that Mass for the Elderly dancing to "Sing an Old Church Off Into Heaven."

While I was out collecting stipends offering Masses for my scattered sheep, I was deluged with funny, nasty, in-between emails about LITURGICAL DANCE.

So I thought I would reprint one of the latest decisions from Rome on the topic and post a video showing what they have in mind.

Prot. n. 666/14/L
Rome, 25 December 2014

Dear Mr. Xxxxx,

This Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments writes in response to your letter of 25 December 2008 (hey, I'm all alone at this damn old broken Olivetti, OK?) regarding the performances of a “liturgical dance and drama ministry” in your parish during which giant scary puppets literally scared the shit out of some of the children. Fortunately, as you noted, the senior citizens, retired priests, and elderly nuns were wearing DEPENDS.

The liturgical law of the Roman Rite does not foresee the use of dance or drama within the Sacred Liturgy, unless particular legislation has been enacted by the Bishops’ Conference and confirmed by the Holy See, both of which groups are too busy managing international collections to worry about such irrelevant nonsense.

Any other practice is to be considered just plain nuts.

These activities could, however, be useful outside the Sacred Liturgy in the work of catechesis and evangelization, if appropriately directed by the Bishop and his clergy. It was always fun watching Cardinal Arinze do the Electric Slide at wedding receptions and solemn professions for LCWR congregations. Cardinal Rebecca Sarah, not so much.

You would be encouraged to bring this to the attention of those responsible in your parish. After the giant puppet fiasco, it will be a great way to piss them off!

Should any unlawful practices persist, the matter should be brought to the Bishop of the Diocese if you can get through the Chancery Guards both clerical and para-military.

With gratitude for your concern for the Sacred Liturgy, without which I'd have to be trying endlessly to get my Order to take me back, and with kind regards, I am,

Sincerely yours in Christ,
Fr. Anthony "Psycho" Ward, S & M

I don't know about you, but I think this is what "Psycho" Ward was worried about:


  1. The latest scheme from Ladison is the suggestion of a Pray-for-Pay website that could connect priests and stipends:

    I have often though about how to connect the two. I had once put together a proposal about a site that would do this – be a matchmaker – and I ran it by a famous canonist. We determined that it would be very hard to make this work.

    We have to be very cautious, scrupulously so, to avoid even the semblance of “trafficking” in Mass stipends (1983 CIC can. 947). This is serious business. Can. 1385 says that “a person who illegitimately makes a profit from a Mass offering is to be punished with a censure or another just penalty”.

    I don’t think it is impossible, but it would be hard.

    He's been chewing on this idea for a while - even 'ran it by a famous canonist' who merely opined that it would be 'very hard make it work'. 'Hard' ?What is that supposed to mean? Designing the website? More like 'avoiding any semblance' of outright simony would be impossible. Furthermore, dragging this phenomenon out into the daylight of an internet business would bring back the ol' manualist 'years off Purgatory' scandal. As if the Catholic Church really needs to revive an old image problem it defeated years ago.
    Salaries for public officials have historically been considered a progressive reform of government; only the wealthy or corrupt could serve without remuneration.
    Naturally, Rome is lagging behind - unless you can pay! Canonize your cult's founder in thirty minutes or your pizza's free!
    Zildo's precious responsible cleric routine isn't impressing some of the Zombies. One of them shakes his head and says the whole thing smells like simony!

    1. Make it a free service, or charge the priests a monthly subsciption rate less than ten bucks per month.

  2. Again totally tasteless drivel from Zero. Most people have no problem offering up stipends for mass to be said for specific people or weddings, etc. And it is no problem that it goes into general revenue for parish to support the priest and parish staff. Zero is treating this as his very own marketing corner. And, yes, the famous canonist, probably Ed Peters, who doesn't mind having his name sullied by association probably saw through his whole scheme.

  3. Was the Underthesecretary tied up? That would be drama.

  4. LCWR rejected Father Stoolsoft's creds again... Good. The slob wouldn't fit in with all those educated women anyway...

  5. If the Lard's brain exploded, the part in his hair wouldn't be disturbed.

  6. I definitely want to shag now. The incense at the TLM just makes me super randy, baby. But do I have to shag the chick? I'd really like to shag Austin Powers. Shagalicious, baby!

    Mark Thomas

    1. ^^^^^^^LMFAO!!!!

    2. Fook me and fook Mark Thomas

    3. Chastity and homosexuality

      2357 Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity,141 tradition has always declared that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered."142 They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.

      2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God's will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

      2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.

      Pax Mark Thomas

    4. Oh Pax Mark Thomas, you're making THIS Mark Thomas EVER SO RANDY, BABY!

      Just like Austin Powers in the movie, my Dutch Penis Pump is still under warranty. It makes me even bigger than the Catechism! Groovy, baby!

      PAX PYX POX, man!
      Mark Thomas

    5. I can modify that a bit:

      Sec. 2357 "Same sex attraction" refers to the horrid aberration of "objectively disordered" men and women who "suffer" and "struggle" with innate feelings against God's plan as per Genesis to "be fruitful and multiply." Basing itself on sacred scripture, we are encouraged to look at other options for marriage that don't include two men or two women, such as: 700 wives and 300 concubines (1 Kings), slaves as surrogates (Genesis 16 and 30), prizes of war and rape victims (Numbers 31, Deuteronomy 22), sex slaves, and polygamous situations (all of the above). Do not, however, think that a monogamous, loving relationship of two men or two women is anything other than a kinky sex trip. Two men and two women are NOT capable of genuine affective complementarity.

      Sec. 2358 The number of second class citizens who are objectively disordered is huge; overwhelming, even. Their desire to officially sanction their relationships is a threat to the stability of marriages everywhere. They must be accepted as poor, corrupted, ever-penitent wretches. These persons are called to be one-dimensional sufferers instead of one-dimensional sexpots, and are barred from priestly ministry since they have an objectively disordered dick.

      Sec. 2358.2 The number of objectively disordered creeps in the seminary and priesthood is nonexistent. There are no gay priests. There are no gay seminarians. There are no lesbian nuns. Because really, there are no gays or lesbians: properly understood, there are only straight people and then the convoluted "those who suffer from same-sex attraction" (much like one might suffer from seizures or sleep apnea). All priests and seminarians are straight, think about fully-clothed women, and are paragons of All-American masculinity, after the example of that biblical stud Jesus who rocked a buzz cut and an eagle tattoo. Similarly, all nuns are straight and don't have sexual fantasies at all, because they are empty vessels filled with rosary beads and humbly await the male church to make the first move, and are second-class paragons of woman-hood after the example of Mary, the original Kool-Aid flavor.

      Sec. 2359 "Those who struggle with Same Sex Attraction, or SSA," are called to live in a paradox of mandatory celibacy. By virtues of self-mastery, they will convince themselves that being gay is not an autonomous identity, but rather an illusion brought on by the ever-present "father wound," a twisted and deviant culture of seduction, and an unwillingness to drink from the fountain of manhood as promulgated by Holy Absusive Mother Church.

      Sec. 2360 In brief, sexual ethics, for all of our advanced spiritual and rational capabilities, is nothing more than the physio-sexual equivalent of "if the glove does not fit, you must aquit." There is no possible sexuality other than the "plug and outlet" functionality of one man and one woman in vanilla sex. To reinforce: morality is reducible to physical functionality. End of story. Period. Done.

      Chicken Pax,

    6. ^ Why the Holy and a Venerable Catechism of the Holy Abusive Mother Roman Catholic Church Fuck-Yeah doesn't use this kind of language is beyond me. It would be so much easier and more accessible to people if they plainly stated their position. The above translation is meant as a supplement to accompany our prayers and struggles and insight into the Holy and Venerable Mind of the Collective Church.

      Seriously. O_o

    7. I stand in awe at your "translation," LookingGlassBulgarianTraffic. Thanks!

    8. I'm Mark Thomas, and I approve of Mark Thomas's citation above.

  7. I have been known to do the odd liturgical dance. Fair dos. It did look odd the liturgical dance and I daresay I looked odd too, but liturgical dance I actually did do. In the end my part wasn't disturbed either so I've got that in common with lard.

    1. I've been known to do a soft shoe shuffle when the mood takes me. I have. The LCWR were incensed but what did I care. Those men - ah women - sure take the L out of liturgical and D out of dance so logistically cannot be referred to as LDies. Too manly for my taste. They are liturgical dunces.

    2. And the 'Aristophanes' at 8:23 AM needs to take the meds, restrain the urge to show off, over act and to desist from clumsy attempts at identity theft.
      Back to the Kipper and Lager diet, Nigel!

  8. The Mark Thomas, TheAugust 19, 2015 at 1:04 AM

    I'm Mark Thomas and so is my wife!

  9. Zuhlsdorf is jumping the shark... Political endorsement + Pulpit = Loss of tax exemption.

  10. Quaeritur: Can a priest out of malice consecrate a whole pita bread factory? LOL

  11. I see the Clintons called in some favours and got Stevie Wonder to do their choreography.

  12. ROFLOL, quaeritur!

    I remember visiting a religious goods shop in Rome with a fellow cleric who espying boxes of hosts said to me that he could cause much mischief with a few simple words.