Friday, August 14, 2015

HAPPY DORMITION OF THE THEOTOKOS! "ASSUMING" YOU'RE KEEPING IT! (GET IT?)

You know, in the summer time, by the seashore, I just love the image of the Holy Church of God as a boat. Look at that icon! Isn't that a beautiful image of the Church? Jesus! Mary! The apostles! That's me in the back in my monastic habit having a premature e-halo-ation. Ha ha ha! Get it? I'd love to be in that boat!

Instead I'm in this one! "What the hell are you doing in that, Father D?!" I can hear you say.
Well, it's "Dormition (Assumption) Weekend" and that means I'm off to collect multiple Mass stipends to minister to God's scattered sheep hither and yon. Of course in most Rites it's not a holy day because it falls on the day before Sunday! And we wouldn't want the Fathers to exhaust themselves by having to get through TWO 45-minute Eucharistic Prayer II performances rather than just one, now would we? . . . but I digress . . . 

Besides, where I come from, we don't eliminate collections liturgies unless we have to.

Of course, I don't like to give away exactly where I am - Catholic terrorists on the right and left are scary, let me tell you - but my mission involves multiple trips over the waves.
It's a bitch in the winter time, kids. So it's always safety first! Especially for my Bishop, who's smart enough to be ready for either the waves knocking him off the boat, or one of his clergy just pushing him over the side.
But the people are always happy to see me, and I usually bring my own lunch!
Sadly this summer we've had a little dustup on one of the "kinky" islands where the "aging hippies" who plan the liturgy tend to be a little too "with it"! Even though for years most of them have had to go "without it"! (Get it? They don't! They really don't get it! In fact, most of them don't even remember when they used to!)

They wanted to do something to "involve the grandkids" so they decided to make "liturgical puppets." 

Assumption-Dormition is all about Mary (for you heretics who may be reading this), so they tried to make a "Big Mary" puppet. With "Joseph, her most gross chaste Spouse" at her side.
Scared the shit out of the kids (literally, out of one of them . . . ewwww). And scared me shitless too.

So then they tried to go over my head by making a special puppet to welcome our beloved Bishop, Vladyka Eureka of Topeka and Abbot of Mayberry, R.F.D.
He looked more like something that should be riding on a Pride Weekend Float, if you know what I mean (and sometimes I'm pretty sure he does . . . but I digress).

Plus the hymn they wanted was "Sing a New Church Into Being". Do any of the people in THIS movie look like a "NEW" Church?
So Happy Holy Day, everyone! Even you lazy bastards who aren't bothering to collect any money to celebrate any special liturgies!

Oh by the way, on an ecumenical note, a few years ago, when Reynaldo was still around, our local Evangelical Pastor, Reverend Bobby Lee Bobb, decided to set up similar "stipend stations" "mission stations" and go cash in minister to his people - and try to steal some of mine.
So I had Reynaldo volunteer to "work on his boat" to get him ready for the trip. When his wife and seven kids would be away, Reverend Bobby Lee would always invite Reynaldo to go out fishing with him.
For some reason I was never invited.

So Reynaldo took REALLY GOOD care of that Evangelical Pastor's Boat!
Bon Voyage, Reverend! "In the holy Gospels, the boat is an image of the Church." That's an image of Reverend's church.

He he he he he!

If only Cunniwicke and Bitter Onions were down in the galley getting the tea and scones ready! Zuhlsdorf fluffing up the seminarians' pom-poms on the front deck. And a few other folks I can think of!

OK, let's get back to the sacred liturgy. Here's the Troparion for Dormition sung in the Fifth Tone by that "mixed" monastery, The Concrete Skete of Saint Dragomira, Warrior Nun of Upper Bosnia!

28 comments:

  1. what big eyes Mary has!

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  2. Hey Fr D – don’t be tempted to get in bed with the Orthodox – yes, I know you like the beards, what sane person doesn’t, but remember that although their sacraments are valid, they are schismatick and if they are saved it is through Rome, not Constantinople. Just sayin'.

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  3. I'm glad Signum Magnum didn't rear its ugly head here!

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    1. Hi Patrick,

      I think I’ve made it clear I’m not your biggest fan, but still, the offer to meet you up at Westminster one Saturday morning holds good. And if anyone else in the UK is reading this, let me know, and let’s do it.

      Let’s call it a Day of Recollection. I’m thinking……. 10.30am Mass (OF, Latin); queue for Confession; hit the Catholic bookshops, ending with Mrs Kelly’s (Padre Pio) and then a pub lunch in Pimlico.

      Let me know.

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  4. I don't suppose anyone cares that I can sing that last song backwards?

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    1. Well, it's certainly impressive to me. But that and $2.50 will get you a cup of coffee at Dunkin Donuts. (Unless you're in Canada where it's $1.60 at Tim Horton's)

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  5. Is Reynaldo a homosexual?

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    1. Yep. I have what they call gaydar...

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    2. Imagine that! All this time I though Reynaldo was just sensitive, dramatic, fit and extremely fashionable.
      I have no concern about ones orientation unless one publically condemns others for particular actions that one secretly commits ones self. Much like one particular Northeastern bishop who finds it, let's say Providential, to vociferously condemn same sex civil marriage specifically and glbt individuals in general, while his (now former) vicar general travels around the gay hot spots with his boyfriend (draped in a fashionable pink sweater I hear) Not to mention that this prelates priest secretary is well known among the clergy to have broken his bed during a tryst with a schismatic priest in the rectory! THAT is reprehensible not to mention hypocritical!

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    3. Reynaldo doesn't actually exist. But yes he is a stand in for a young hot gay (and not that bright) man who his ordained by and receives advancement from closeted conservative bishops for various reasons.

      And my my a broken bed. I'm assuming that everything was in Latin as the fun was with a schismatic priest. Perhaps Father Zed is right about Latin being special.

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    4. But I'm in love with Margaret Thatcher!

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  6. Fr Z has a post where he has a photo with everyone labeled....one of the labels is "More Men" plus the bishop, vicar general, judicial vicar and so on. Fr. Z is dressed like them, not wearing the thick gold fabric, only white lace over red, plus he seems to be standing behind the others. I should probably know why this is, but I don't. Is he a different rank or something in some social caste system that no longer means anything to most (sane) people.

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  7. I meant "not dressed like them" bishop et al.

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  8. Zzzzz was acting as master of ceremonies. Hence, the different garb and position.

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    1. Different position... Isn't that called "bottoming"?

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    2. I never thought of Z as a passive sodomite. Who the hell would?!

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  9. But take it from me Margaret T was a hottie!

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  10. That's my line, Vertuso, and I AM in love with Margaret Thatcher

    https://www.google.com/search?q=I%27m+in+love+with+Margaret+Thatcher&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8

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  11. You may be in love with Margaret Thatcher, but I'm missing that guy Mark whatsisname?

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    1. Patrick... The way we know the authentic you is by the photo accompanying your name... Apparently we have an invasion of home schooled brats who sense humor in playing imposter.

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    2. Well, if we think in terms of the more contemporary understanding of the word "sodomite" to be emblematic of greed and pridefulness, I believe we found a perfect match in Z.

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    3. "the more contemporary understanding of the word "sodomite" to be emblematic of greed and pridefulness"

      what?!?

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  12. Mark, come out, come out, wherever you are. All is forgiven!

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  13. Come out. Is that a double entendre?
    That activated my inner 19 year old self.

    Chicken Pax,
    LG.B.T.

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