Monday, February 23, 2015

Lenten Stational Nuts: KRUIZIN' THE KRAZY KATHOLIC KONVERT BLOGOSPHERE

Are you saying to yourself, "Father D, I know I should do penance, but it's so . . . well, penitential. You're practically a Monsignor in Merkin (look it up) Voris' "Church of Nice," right? So how about a Lenten penance that's fun and easy?"

Well, my little morsels, Father D is all over it, or as that Uptown Funk Priest Dude would say, Fo' Sho', Ma Shizzle Bro (I wanted to use another word here but people are so darn sensitive)! (ewww . . . ).

And we're goin' Traddie Catholic Old-School, "Reform of the (Mentally Unbalanced) Reform" taking our cue from the Lenten Stational Churches in the abrogated Timeless-But-Only-Timeless-Since-1570 Missale Romanum, where each day of Lent was celebrated at a "Stational Church."

Yup, we're going to visit four of everyone's favorite Stational Nuts:


Father D's Lenten Penance
Made Fun & Easy:
Kruizin' the Krazy Katholic Konvert Blogosphere


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Lenten Stational Nut I: RETROrate




Surely, they meant ALL MEN, like the book title has it? Don't tell me Bitter Bag of Onions has been infected with inclusive language from his utterly-null-and-absolutely-void days?

Long answer short, via their own graphic:

NO! DAMN IT!
AND
DAMN YOU TOO!
(Gosh if that picture doesn't remind me of the Sister of Mercy DREs who biked into the Supine Farm way back when, butts and tats and all). Reynaldo taught those "dudes" a thing or two!)


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Lenten Stational Nut II: Reverend Mother M. John Cunniwicke's Coven of Contentious Canterburians



Uh . . . don't look now, luv, but the answer is neither!

PRETTY IN PINK
The Ordinariate's Sacerdotal Singers:
a.k.a "Thy Serene and Kindly Gays"
(Name adapted from the Patrimony's sacred style translation of Canon Missae superior to everyone else's version - you're damn lucky we became Catholics and don't forget it)

(As to Mother Cunniwicke's other question in that post, "We weren't very nice people, were we?" The answer to that is easy: weren't nice, aren't nice, never shall be nice. You're you, you miserable old fart. We impoverished cradle Catholics are just waiting to see what we got out of the deal of bringing you in except one terrific pain in the arse.)


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Lenten Stational Nut III: The Deeply-Closeted But Increasingly Obvious Sodomy-Obsessed Mundy-Bore



The usual from this Krazy Katholic Konvert: "I hate Pope Francis because he's too nice to gays of which I am not now, never have been, never thought of being, couldn't ever possibly be one cuz' I'm so manly and straight . . . blah, blah, blah . . . " Right, Gloria!
"Gloria" Mundy-Bore as Pollyanna

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Lenten Stational Nut IV: "The Admirable Father Z(ed)!"

Through the miracle of modern technology, I was able to get my hands on get ahold of to retrieve the ORIGINAL version of what later appeared in a cleaned up version here.

Take it away Fr Z (original text in red - hey just like over at his blog!)


ACTION ITEM: Let’s get a custom jockstap for a Swiss Guard.

I have a project for us all.

When I was in Rome last October with a pilgrimage group of mentally unbalanced weirdos for the Summorum Pontificum Pilgrimage, which you dumb laity readers paid for, several thousand kilos of pasta and endless liters of wine included (there is another coming up this October – start sending me money now, you cheap bastards!), we had a private tour of the barracks of the Swiss Guards.

From my visit to the Swiss Guard barracks in October 2014.
The tour that day was conducted by the fiancee of one of the Corporals of the Guard.   Was I insanely jealous? Of her, that is? Is the Bishop of Madison obese? Does the Pope shit on my Traddie Obsession? They are now married, by the way.  Damn it! 

When we were in the armory, she explained how uncomfortable the jockstraps are for the men, because they are not individually crafted.   Imagine. Holy merde by the truckload, baby, did I imagine! I imagined so much I had to



GO TO CONFESSION!

But I digress . . . 

However, she said that her fiancee, now husband, the Corporal wanted to get an individually fitted jockstrap.

It would coast 6000 Euro, which was out of their reach on a guard’s salary. That reminded me of how many things were out of my reach. So again I had to


GO TO CONFESSION!

However, my heart melted - and a few other bodily organs did some amazing somersaults, needless to say - when I imagined what those guards would look like all custom-fitted by yours truly. Even the fact that she said it would have Saint Sergius on the front and Saint Bacchus on the back didn't help much.
I had an idea. Actually I had several ideas. I couldn't keep the ideas from coming. I did not entertain these ideas. They entertained me! So once again I had to


GO TO CONFESSION!


What if we could find, world-wide, say, 60 gullible idiots who would PayPal to my almost empty account €100 (c. $114) for this project?

My suggestion would be that, if it isn’t too much trouble, perhaps the names of the people who donated could then be inscribed either inside the jockstrap itself or on some part of the case for it.  Just thinking. Don't worry, I'll check each one after each Guard has it on just to make sure it fits properly and they spelled the donor's name right.


Does this appeal? Sure as shit appeals to me. This might even get Reynaldo to come home.



The donations would be made through MY PayPal to a specially created account for ME to HAND DELIVER at least to the cute Swiss Guards.  Right now the dollar is quite strong against the the euro.  Right now my account is emptier than a Novus Ordo convent at Mass time. This is a good time. And a good time will be had - by all. Or at least by me. And isn't that what's it all about? Me - and good times for me paid for by you?

Just say, "Yes, Father, because you are ontologically so superior to us and we are barely worthy to provide funding for your every wish!" Now:



GO TO CONFESSION!


You know, if my only choice for worship was Solemn High None with the Patronal Troll of the Knights of Moola at the Faldstool next to the Tabernacle under the Ombrellino behind the newly-constructed Sacrarium next to the shelf of rapidly accumulating fag-swag like the latest rip-off-the-braindead-laity mugs with Latin words on them . . . or going to Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show?

No contest! Brother Love would win every time!

(Why, Brother Love even mentions ministering to others!)

11 comments:

  1. Father D, you're the best thing since Steven Colbert!

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  2. Lard Ass, the garbage guts on legs pays homage to his first Lenten Station 'church':


    CHICAGO: Chinese Food Edition
    Posted on 23 February 2015 by Fr. John Zuhlsdorf

    "Where I am, near the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue, there is no good Chinese food. It is a hardship.

    So, when I get to Chicago, I really enjoy finding some good Chinese fare at what must be one of the best restaurants in the country. It is the best I’ve had in these USA........."

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    Replies
    1. While the weirdos at St John Cantius are doing their 24 hours of Confession, the Zombie Man is doing his 24 hours of non-fasting: Complete with pictures of every course, paid for by his adoring laity:

      http://wdtprs.com/blog/2015/02/chicago-chinese-food-edition/

      What a sick, self-centered fraud. The Lutherans must have sung several Bach chorales when he hit the trail, praying to God he'd never come Bach!

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    2. Archbishop Cupich.. Could you please ban Father Zed from speaking on Chicago archdioceses property like you did with Mark Shea and Al Kresta from speaking in Spokane? Pretty please? As for the weirdos at St. John Cantius, I thought it was interesting that they were highlighting a Mass with Cardinal George. Yeah, I don't think that Cupich is going to be saying Mass there given that he apparently demands altar girls at his Masses.

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    3. Fr. D... thank you, thank you, thank you...i used to read the krazys first before reading you...now i go to you first then work backwards...makes reading them much easier and truly much for funny...You rock

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    4. I saw the Chinese food edition... at first I thought it a a parody but absolutely amazingly this guy has the gall to post of his gluttony during a time and season where we the faithful are to subject ourselves to discipline including fasting.

      It is beyond belief that there are those still willing to fund the ever increasing size of Father Jabber the Glut.

      I wonder if this prick leaves decent tips or does he think his collar exempts him from that too.

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  3. Hey "Father Smallstalk",

    I believe that the church needs to start paying taxes. To be free in the exercise of religion does not imply freedom from the obligation to support the society that allows your existence.

    Thank you for being who you are. You make our work easy.

    How'$ those vows to serve been making you feel lately?

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  4. The pretty in pink gentlemen are Anglo-Catholics and yes they are all homosexual.

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    Replies
    1. The name Father D has given them has a little history. In the first draft of the revised Eucharistic Prayer I, the translation of the second post-consecration prayer of the Canon asked that God look "with a serene and kindly gaze" upon the oblations. Someone took this picture, or one like it, and sent it around on the Internet as a Priests' Trio, "The Serene and Kindly Gays." I am told, by someone who knows this sort of thing, that at the next ICEL meeting, someone said, "I think we need to change that line in the proposed translation." He said that, from the laughter around the table, it was clear that everyone had seen the Internet spoof. So now the text reads "Look with a serene and kindly countenance . . . "

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  5. FR ZUHLSDORF HAS BEEN EXCOMMUNICATED!!!

    http://liturgiae-causa.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/we-excommunicate-him.html

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    Replies
    1. About time too! Vitandus status hopefully.

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