Thursday, July 31, 2014

IGNORANCE OF THE ZzzzOMBIES: Divine Office Edition

I like making people laugh. That's the primary reason for continuing this blog.  I also like taking the piss out of pretentious people.
I don't enjoy being a jackass, but sometimes I have to. It's part of the job of being a Self Appointed Ecclesiastical Blogger At Large.

One of the regular Zzzzombies who identifies herself as Long-Skirts, a Roman Catholic mother of 10 children, who writes poetry, humorous novels and believes in creation of all kinds who has been mentioned in the comments here at WDTPRDAD cranks out poetry on a regular basis, when commenting on other blogs as well as on her own.  This one happened to catch my eye.

I said a little
Prayer for you,
Today, at morning

At breakfast said
An Ave too,
While eating food
That fattens.

At Lauds I prayed
To give you strength,
And then I had
A snack.

I'd pray for you
At any length
While ordering a

The sun is high,
It's 12-noon time,
For you the
Angels' Psalter.

I pray at Prime,
Though it's lunch time,
That God won't
Let you falter.

Again at three,
It's time for Terce,
Some food I'll need
Till Sext.

My clothes are tight
Oh, what is worse?
To dwell on
Diet text.

So down my supper,
On to None,
Dry mouth from prayer,
I thirst.

I drink a lot,
The Vespers done,
My tummy's 'bout
To burst!

But still for you,
At Compline sat,
I prayed,
More food I ate.

This praying, Father,
Makes me fat...
Now you pray

I lose weight!!!

Okay. Perhaps she had been listening to the local morning radio show and rendered this classic into trad-cath prose.

I really don't know.  What did jump out at me was the seeming ignorance of the actual time the hours of the office are (or used to be) prayed. Granted, the average person in the pews does not need to know this.  Knowing that Matins/Lauds are prayed in the morning and Vespers/Compline are prayed at night is more than most people need or want to know.  There is nothing wrong with this. Unless, of course one begins to advocate for the restoration of the "older form" of the Breviary, or writes a poem about praying throughout the day in-sync with said Office. 

"I pray at Prime,Though it's lunch time."  Prime is the first hour of the day, 6:00 AM.  An odd time for lunch.  
"Again at three, It's time for Terce."  Terce referencing the third hour, which is 9:00 AM and not three o'clock PM which is None, the ninth hour.  And on it goes.  I'm sure you get the drift. 

"But Father, but Father, what's your point?  Why are you picking on this poor woman?" you ask. 

Sometimes, it seems to me, that many people clamoring for tradition are doing so from a position of zeal without knowledge. When we advocate for the preservation or restoration of various aspects of  traditional practices, we should know what we are asking for should we not?

Father Z's Journey Home: a waste of an hour of internet time

Posted to YouTube a couple weeks ago, though the interview is much older.  Offered here for those seeking penitential viewing.

Monday, July 28, 2014

CASSOCKS (Wherein Father D Rants)

I don't get too worked up over what Faddah Zed writes these days.  Perhaps I've become immune to his shtako as a result of over exposure. For some reason the tone of this post caused my own panties to bunch up considerably. Perhaps it is the tone.  Here I will give it my standard and trademarked Father D Treatment of emphasis and comments
Full disclosure; Father D wears his cassock semi-regularly.  He finds it very comfortable. He enjoys the fact that he can wear shorts or sweat pants and a tee shirt underneath it. Around the church on Sundays and feast days, to the hospital or nursing home it is great. Elsewhere the suit and collar are more appropriate.  People I serve are more comfortable. 

A reader asked Zuhlsdorf about bishops wearing suits versus cassocks, implying that if more adopted the cassock they would be providing a shining example of episcopal leadership. Here is his reply.

First, I am glad you are concerned about decorum.  I have no doubt that you are always exactly properly dressed according to everyone else’s expectations in each and every circumstance. Forgive me.  I'm going to be very judgmental here.  What a douche bag!  LOWLY LAY reader writes ... Therefore, FATHER John I'm-Ontologically-Different-From-And-Infinitely-Superior-To-You ZERO has to begin his answer with a paragraph of snarky sarcastic put down. Because she's just that kind of bitch, boys and girls (mostly boys).. but I digress.. 
Next, I limit myself to custom in these United States. It's not "these United States." This crap is just old. Perhaps he thinks he's a founding father?
It was, and still is, not the custom for secular, diocesan priests and bishops in these USA to wear the cassock as “street attire”.  Yes, some young pups are wearing the cassock all the time, when they go about town.  Fine.  Perhaps they will establish a new practice. Young pups = young nuts. To wear a cassock everywhere in public in a country where clerical suits have been the norm since 1888, is to scream: LOOK AT ME, EVERYBODY, I AM SO SPECIAL!!!! The "young pups" are establishing enough "new practices" that are actually reviving old practices that were obsolete four generations before they were born. See the pews packed lately?   However, the usual practice in these USA go back to the Councils of Baltimore, which forbade clerics from using the cassock as dress attire, imposing instead secular dress but with a clerical collar.  For a long while the standard was the frock coat, which we don’t see much of anymore.  Perhaps we should try to revive this as well?   Today, standard street dress for the diocesan cleric is the black suit.  Of course the cassock is always appropriate for anything liturgical and when the cleric is in his assigned place, such as a school or hospital.
Another point, for bishops at least, is practical.  These days, most (I think. I don't see much evidence of that really) bishops drive themselves about.  I think that is imprudent, but – hey! – they don’t ask me about such things. Never stopped him from offering him an opinion before.  Say His Nibs is in a cassock and something happens along the way.  He’s in his cassock, which might not be the best attire at the moment.  I am speculating at this point, but that could have something to do with it.
Lastly, I have to say that clerical decorum has nearly completely broken down.  All you have to do is look at a group of concelebrants.  There are hardly two vested similarly when it comes to alb, cincture.  Let’s not even talk about proper choir dress.  What a disaster that is.  They enter and exit in their white gunny sacks looking like the end of the shift at the Tasty Bakery.  This from a bonafide BLIVIT (that's US military for 250 pounds of shit in a 150 pound back. And that's the nut, in a nutshell.  It strikes me that most priests and bishops of a certain age haven’t a clue about how to dress. Says the man who lives in a large city that insists on wearing cargo pants with three dozen pockets in them everyday.  Furthermore, they would say, “Oh, I don’t go in for all that stuff!”, as if they are somehow to be thought humble.  I don’t see any virtue in adopting a stance of contempt for your proper dress or vestments or uniform.  Humility submits to decorum.  Putting on the gear, and putting it on correctly, shows respect for the office and role you hold.  It shows respect for the people you encounter.   They don’t want to see their bishops and priests slouching about in shapeless white bags or looking like a hotel clerk.  I suppose as long as you treat them as lowly peasants and give them a good talking down to, you might as well wrap yourself in water silk while doing so.
You, however, are also reacting to photos I posted of a conference I attended.  And he knows this how??  There were quite a few bishops there. Yes, and Father took every opportunity to kiss their,  UM -- rings and have his picture taken with them.  They were in black suits.  This was at a hotel/resort.  It was a secular setting, not a church.  The prelates used cassocks for liturgies (Mass and office and Benediction).  Religious priests quite properly wore their habits, according to their customs.  Diocesan priests were in black suits. Except for you Father Z.  You were in shirt sleeves. But then again you're not really a diocesan priest are you?  Gyrovague.
Were there to have been a truly formal moment, such as a black tie evening event, then the diocesan clerics would have been properly dressed in a house cassock appropriate for their status, with the proper fascia, and a ferraioulo.  Mine would be black, a bishop’s violet or paonazza, a cardinal’s porpora sacra.
So, that’s it in a nutshell.  We are in a transition period. Oh?  Do tell.  I think that the customs will change for the better, but it will take time.  In the meantime, in these USA, don’t look down on a priest who wears the black suit and Roman collar when out and about in public. Preach on O Wise Sage!  That’s the custom for the diocesan clerics if (don't you mean IN??) this country. When being a pretentious prick, it's best to proof read your texts. Yes, I say this from experience.
And, yes, it is my hope that cleric decorum improves. More properly that should read "clerical decorum."  And, yes, I would like to see more bishops in their proper gear more often. Gear? WTF!? I think we see this as the Biological Solution keeps working us all over. BS is right.
UGH! I need a beer. 

Thanks for the vid clip Jimmy Mac


Christ is risen

"When we find a priest who lives with such anger and tension, we think: This man drinks vinegar for breakfast. Then, for lunch, pickled vegetables. And in the evening, a nice glass of lemon juice"
~Pope Francis

Saturday, July 26, 2014


Our friends at RetRoRate (actually they're almost a full course Italian meal: Cipolla and Gnocchi! Throw in Monsignor Vitello and Don Funghi, and you've got dinner and/or the clergy staff at the Basilica of Ss Prosciutto e Melone) may disagree with the far right Evangelicals on the AUTHORITY of the Pope, but they're IN FULL COMMUNION with them on their HATRED of THIS Pope.

And they're happy to spread the good word about just how similar their newfound friends are!
Where brooding minds old wounds bewail,
Thy Kingdom come! Thy Truth prevail!
(Ronald A. Knox)

Friday, July 25, 2014


While Z complains about the food and service, the Pope the Super-Trads despise serves himself at a Friday Fish-Fry Lunch with Vatican City employees where His Holiness dropped in unannounced.

And it looks like more than the red velvet mozzetta is missing - that cassock appears to have no half-cape (attention Trent-Trads!).

Of course, this picture will just confirm their conviction that Francis is the First Among Cafeteria Catholics.

Reverend Mother Cunniwicke was attending a gourmet cigar and brandy dinner with Fr Zero and couldn't be reached for comment.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Everything is Amazing, but Zuhlsdorf's not Happy

Readerette here.

Oh, the perils of air travel these days. Even in First Class, you may only get "bread thing" to eat that doesn't have the proper crustiness of a New York bagel. Your fellow passengers may remove their shoes. And your view for a while may be mostly brownish. 

Oh, and your in-flight internet may go out. Grrr.
Everything is amazing now, Zuhlsdorf, and nobody's happy, and sitting in that chair in the sky, you Father a're the very definition of a non-contributing zero.

In Between Boners

That's right, boys and girls, Reverend Mother M. John Cunniwicke is home again, but just to drop off laundry for wifey to freshen up, and post one quick "YES, I STILL REALLY HATE WHAT POPE FRANCIS IS DOING TO SAINT BENEDICT XVI'S CHURCH" posting, full of Reverend Mother's trademark, signature bitchy snark (a treasured part of the Anglican Patrimony, and far less problematic than clerical boyfriends), and then it's off to BONE UP with the well-balanced youth of the England and Wales Latin Mass Society. We're assured that its "fabulous" and with Reverend Mother running it, how could it miss? Just imagine how much more "cheeky" those darling kids will be when they get home!

It sure looks like fun.

and "fabulous" must be that typical British understatement:

But someone forgot to take down the banners. Tres gauche!

Monday, July 21, 2014

The Heart of a Shepherd

Following the Pope's example the Bishop of Rochester digs in to some cafeteria food.

“In the life of the church today, there are many interpretations that people might give to a particular ruling with no malintent present, but that do need clarification."

Bishop Matano of Rochester NY

Saturday, July 12, 2014


Normal, all-American boy, with time weighing heavy? What with barn chores over by 6 AM and home-schooling in hiatus so Mom can catch up on her caning .... uh, canning ....

Idleness is the Devil's workshop, Sister says, even with EWTN's purity-chip installed on the family computer!

So how about something almost no one in his right mind would come up with in this day and age?

Latin Mass Altar Boy Camp and "fun for boys and young men age seven to adult!"

Catholic Amish Meets Southern Baptist Hee-haw! 

What could possibly go wrong?

For youths disinclined to physical "sporting," certified and bow-tied instructors will be available for some hands-on flute and organ exercises.

(Friends, this has to be the Traddie attempt to match the Trendies "Giant Puppet" score on the Super Creep-o-meter!)


Our friends over at The New Liturgical Bowel Movement missed a few photos from the recent Colloquium in Indy.

We're happy to share them here, and we think we've found just the crozier to match Archbishop Alexander KING Sample's mile-high mitre!
People often ask me, "Father, Father, what are you reading?"  As you all know Father reads at least  sixteen books at one time.  Most recently Father has decided to read about something which he has never experienced.  Not as captivating as Ritual Notes, but informative.

"The other [form of spiritual worldliness] is the self-absorbed promethean neo-pelagianism of those who ultimately trust only in their own powers and feel superior to others because they observe certain rules or remain intransigently faithful to a particular Catholic style from the past. A supposed soundness of doctrine or discipline leads instead to a narcissistic and authoritarian elitism, whereby, instead of evangelizing, one analyzes and classifies others, and instead of opening the door to grace, one exhausts his or her energies in inspecting and verifying." 
Evangelii Gaudium

I am sure that most of you have long ago digested the Apostolic Exhortation Evangelli Gaudium. Though I read the document when it initially was issued, I am a bit behind in studying and analyzing it. An exciting Friday evening at the rectory you might say.  I stumbled upon this commentary  by Father Dwight Longnecker. I've been rather critical of Father Longnecker in the past, perhaps wrongly so.  I've recently come to think of the good Father as an excellent example of the type of priest the Church is blessed to have converting from Anglicanism, as opposed to those more recent examples who have boarded the Barque of Peter only to look for holes and loose boards and dare pass it off as enrichment.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

There's Silly and Then There's Super Silly

Our friends  brethren at RetRorate, never known for their sparkling humor, are REALLY sour and dour these days, because some are suggesting how humorous it is that the World Cup finals feature the homelands of the Pope and Pope Emeritus.

"Unjustified Silly Season" they tsk tsk tsk ..... we presume they refer to things like this:
Well, there's silly .... then there's SUPER silly. Which we think is represented better by THEIR posting of stuff like this:

Men in gloves
and the famous Sample Mile-High Mitre: (I still say he's compensating for something.  Has anyone actually read his dissertation?  Or is the insistence on overly embroidered fancy hats because of His Grace's middle name?)
Now THAT's silly ... and unjustified!

Wednesday, July 9, 2014


As our friends at RetRorate always remind us, the TLM is here to stay!

And what better proof than this video featuring Monsignor Jkrlyzk Zvgjtkzvlm of the Archdiocese of Reykjavik's TLM office practicing the complex rubrics necessary for Solemn High Mass Before the Throne With a Lesser Prelate Assiting in Choro Without the Privilege of the Cappa Magna But You Can Wear a Mozzetta If You Can Find One Without the Little Hoody Thingy in Back Like in Shoes of The Fisherman.

"This is freaking wild!" -  Dr Shawna "Lost" Tribe

"Splendid, Fabulous AND Precious: A Trinity of 'You Go, Monsignors' from me!"  Dr Peter Kawasaki

"Does not pass this ex-Anglican's muster. But then nothing has since Gregory XVI"  Rev Mother M. John Cunniwicke

Monday, July 7, 2014


Father Adrian Fortescue, a direct decendent of the Martyr of the same name, was English Roman Catholic priest, scholar and liturgical and all around well rounded fellow.  He was the author of Ceremonies of the Roman Rite Described (the liturgists second Bible, and more frequently quoted by them than the Scriptures themselves) among other treatises.  Recent conversations with friends reminded me of a quote one of them sent me a couple months back that I squirreled away for a slow blog day.

"Try to imagine for one solid year of my life...I spent all day comparing Merati & Martinucci & LeVavasseur, to find out where the thurifer ought to stand before the Magnificat, who takes off the bishop's left glove, and what sort of bow you should make at the Asperges. I had to look serious, and discuss the arguments for aductus duplex, or the other thing, whatever it is called, at each candlestick, when you incense the altar.

"Conceive a man, said to be made in the image of God, spending his time over that kind of thing. Even now that the burden is over it fills me with rage to recall those days. I could have learned a new language in that time. I could have gone every day to the cinema. I could have read the complete works of Maria Corelli. My cat was spending his time in sane and reasonable pursuits, chasing birds in the garden, climbing trees, or sleeping in his basket, while I was describing the conduct of the second MC at pontifical Vespers not at the throne. And they affect to believe that we lead a nobler life than the beasts...

"My dreadful ceremonies book. Does it really want more revision? I had so hoped that I had done with that filthy job forever. However, if there are still corrections to be made in it (and I have no doubt there are), I suppose I must make them. You cannot conceive how I loathe the idea of going into all that horrid business of the minutiae of tomfool modern ceremonies once again. I do not think there is any possible subject that seems to me more utterly devoid of interest or of any scientific attraction. It is always, of course, merely a matter of seeing what some footling Congregation of incompetent idiots at Rome has said we are to do. Not one halfpenny's worth of principle or historic research is affected by the question of whether the thurifer should stand on the left or on the right at any given moment. I would just as soon spend hours verifying the times at which trains start on some railway line that I shall never use."
Much like Saint Thomas Aquinas towards the end of his life who said, "The end of my labors has come. All that I have written appears to be as so much straw after the things that have been revealed to me.

When the choreography of the liturgy becomes more important than the sacred texts it matters not if the priest is versus ad populum, nor natibus ad populum.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

INVASION? It's No Fun Bein' An Illegal Eh-lian

Are you watching what some people have called the “invasion” taking place across the border from Canada into these USA (aka “ces états-unis”)?
Here is but one of many stories, but this caught my eye because of a good point made:

"The common image of an illegal immigrant sneaking into the U.S. involves a Latin American huddling for cover in the brush of an expansive desert. It’s hot, dry, and desolate. Perhaps they are attempting to swim across the Rio Grande as it meanders through the dusty climes of the southern U.S. or jump a fence in the middle of the night. There is a different, much less publicized form of illegal immigrant—the kind coming from Canada. Many of these individuals are not Latin American—U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) have apprehended border jumpers ....(that)... often cross the many waterways of Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, and New York by boat, jet ski, or by swimming. "

"A fishing group on the St. Clair River noticed a man in a Speedo with a backpack swimming in the river recently. CBP was alerted and the man.........., was apprehended."

 The Urban Institute estimates between 65,000 and 75,000 undocumented Canadians currently live illegally in the United States.*  This is not a new problem. In fact this began back in the early part of the last century and continues today. 

This significant influx of immigration by primarily Francophone Canadians help to convince legislators to pass the Johnson-Reed Act of 1924. 

What to do?   This is orchestrated. Illegal Eh-lians.
Really… what to do?
Our vigilance is required.

N.B. Many quotes for this post were taken out of context and twisted for my own purposes to incite laughter or at least an amused smile.  If that occurred, my job is done.  If not, I am a very poor satirist, or you need to lighten up, or perhaps a combination of the two.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Washing Altar Linens

There are some wonderful resources online for FREE that will clearly outline how to properly wash altar linens.  No need to give you a link to Father's Amazon Kickback referrals.

The Diocese of Fort Wayne South Bend provides the guidelines from the USCCB.  Note: Link will open a new tab to download a PDF.

Another PDF in booklet form from Ave Maria Catholic Church here.

Project Canterbury has a webpage here. Altar Linen: Its Care and Use, by the Rev. Warren Richards, 1932.