Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Dear Father: Your Q's and My Big Fat A's On Animals In Heaven

I'm sure you can imagine that many of the poor ignorant paying laity are rather confused in this time of troubles and temptations of mercy and compassion.  Father D does his best to answer the many questions that enter his In Box.  Here is just one such Q and A.



Dear Faddah D:
I'm all silly willy sad and mad by the recent talk about dogs going to heaven. I watch the morning shows from New York while washing down my first two Xanax of the day with my coffee, and everyone this morning  seemed so slap happy silly and joyful by what the Pope had apparently said, whether it was accurately reported or not. I must confess that I am getting all mixed up in my head trying to keep up with all the new wild and  things coming out of Rome, especially all the bizarre stuff about God being merciful and forgiving and actually liking the people He made. We're Roman Catholics. We're not supposed to be slap happy about what the Pope says. We're supposed to be in fear and trembling of burning in the fires of Heck. Right?  Can you help me understand what is going on? Shouldn't the Pope at least be telling scared crying kids that their dead pets are in limbo with their stillborn brothers and sisters and that nice old Christian Science man that used to drive the school bus?  I mean I know I can get my grandmother out of Purgatory by sending money to your website where you show pictures of priests in vestments that look a lot like what my grandmother used to use to upholster her couch. But she was Catholic. But my dead gerbil was nothing (but by the way did not practice birth control and I mean big time did not practice it unlike some oversexed Catholics I know). Can I tell my daughter that her goldfish will go to heaven and be with her? Or should she be forced to face the reality that even she will have trouble getting in to Paradise, never mind the silly fish?
Puppy-Pooped  in Provo


***

Upon consulting canon lawyers and theologians in my acquaintance, Father D herein replies . . . 

Nah, wait a minute.

You know, I was going to type a big long complicated convoluted response like the RetRorate Onion did. 
Or here. Seems like all clergy online are asking themselves are being asked this question.

But the hell with it. It's Saturday night and there's a Sam Adams' Seasonal waiting at the pub down the street with my name on it. Actually there's several.

So let's just be real, OK?

No layperson, except perhaps someone in residential treatment (and therefore without computer access) gives a rat's ass or a stray shit about any of the made-up questions he posts at that increasingly schismatic website and then wastes zigabytes of bandwidth tortuously answering. Only a former absolutely null and utterly void control freak, who thought the Catholic Church was the last bastion of gloom and doom and clerical authority, could come up with that crap.

Certainly no cradle Catholic, who once upon a time had to listen to tons of that kind of baloney and is grateful to have lived long enough to see it shredded by Pope Francis in the celestial grinder of God's mercy cares anything about any of it. 

Normal Catholics are over-the-moon happy at Pope Francis' exercise of his ministry as Successor of Peter. Period. For everyone else, there's Econe. Lovely this time of year.

Time for an exorcism of that website.


16 comments:

  1. Z ends his instruction on animals in heaven stating that is animals can go to heaven, then they can go to hell. What nonsense.

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    1. And while the moralizing Lacy Lard Ass ponces about delivering pious nostrums about 'brute' animals and the afterlife, what is the bet he won't be making reference to his 'good friend' Frank (the Turkey) Pavone and the strife he's in with His Excellency, the Most Reverend Lord Cardinal Timothy Dolan by the grace of God Archbishop of NY.

      To draw attention to the empire building Pavone would be to draw attention yet again to his own little cult, the pink dollar and the narrow interest prosperity 'gospel'.

      Delete
    2. Ari,

      The big difference between Father Gavone and Little Missy Zuhlsdorf is that Gavone went to work taking his message to the streets while Zully was curled up with a bottle of single malt complaining of gas pains.

      Ain't sayin' that they're not equally full of shit but I respect a MAN who doesn't have to parade about wearing silk, brocade and lace.

      Delete
  2. Hilarious. Too true. And with the Christmas season approaching which usually means painfully forced, family, Christmas gatherings, excessive drinking, opening of old wounds. Maybe religious can talk about managing the holidays, the true meaning, forgiveness, reconciliation and what that means (and that is tough stuff by the way!!). The point is turning their minds towards these issues instead of ranting about pets not being in heaven. Of course Zero is our counterpart of the evangelicals who LUV Jesus and hate people. It is the season and reading him or even about him is just not good for my soul. I just hate to see people bilked and their money is the least of it, their emotions and sense of God is even more important and they are being bilked out of that too?

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    1. I agree with everything that you have said with one exception.
      The one exception is that you think that people are being "bilked" out of their money by Lacy-boy. I think that these people are fully aware of where their money goes. He makes no secret of his numerous vacations, gun purchases, tech toys, etc. . His followers know what their money is going for and they gladly give it. If he was spending it on, for instance, gambling and didn't tell them, then, yes, he would be bilking them. He DOES tell them what he is spending their money on.
      How he plays on their fears and emotions is exactly right. He does. He is no different than any of the snake oil salesmen that have been around for eons. That he wears the collar of a Catholic priest makes it particularly disturbing.

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    2. The fallacy of Z's outreach is his duping the faithful to believe that he is needed. What a dou he bag...

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    3. How true Anonymous 10:34. What he has achieved in his niche market is to prove to his followers that he is indispensable. They need that perverse kind of security that comes from fear and he provides it by the bucket load.
      He well understands the fundamental principle of effective marketing: convince the potential customer that what they 'want' is a 'need' you can fulfil.

      Delete
  3. Hey Zullsfork, I just found this site. They are stealing your stock in trade. You should find a good lawyer to protect and defend your business interests. Here's the site: http://buymybullshit.com/Home.php

    The concepts on the BS site are so similar to yours that I am certain that the ideas were stolen from you.

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  4. The Vatican released the report on American women religious today and I've been waiting for Z's comments and cannot find any. I had a rough day and was hoping to laugh/ hate read his utter misogyny.

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  5. Stuff the dog-heaven business, stuff the nuns on the bus. The vandals and iconoclasts (Liberals) are smashing down the Trad churches. This is the hour of Zippo, the field marshal leading the troops from his bunker behind the lines. When you thought too many 'young priests and seminarians' was barely enough, Zippo wants more. Aux armes, Lacy boys! Lard Ass wants martyrs, lots of them and preferable those who have left their substantial estates to him. But I digress.

    "Libido delendi … the lust to obliterate… is back.

    Over the last few months, self-absorbed promethean neopelagians [SAPNs] are crawling out of the woodwork and from under rocks. They are getting up on their hind legs and braying against “triumphalism” and how liturgy requires “poverty” and none of that old “hoopla”. And we are going to see a lot more of this for a while, I’m afraid. We have some dark days ahead, I think, as this cycle plays out. If you don’t think you aren’t in their crosshairs… think again. It’s payback time for the 33 years of John Paul II and Benedict XVI.

    The SAPNs are pushing their agenda. Here’s what I think you ought to push.

    Push for as many celebrations of the older form of the Roman Rite as possible in as many places as possible as soon as possible.

    It will be hard to get going. SO WHAT? Make it work. Work with sweat and money to make it happen.

    Get involved with all the works of charity that your parishes or groups sponsor. Make a strong showing. Make your presence known. When work needs to be done, step up and ask, “What do you need?”

    Pray and fast and give alms. Think you have been doing that? Do more.

    Get organized. Find like-minded people and get that request for the implementation of Summorum Pontificum together. Raise the money. Buy the stuff the parish will need. DO IT. ¡HAGAN LÍO!”

    This will require that people put aside their petty little personal interpretations and preferences of how Father ought to wiggle his pinky at the third word. It is team-work time. If we don’t sacrifice individually, we will be sacrificed individually.

    Remember that the legislation is in place. Young priests and seminarians are dying to get into this stuff. Give them something to do.

    As I have written before take off the training wheels and RIDE THE DAMN BIKE!"

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  6. Wow, what a week. First, the Vatican turned its heretic-hunting nun investigation into a glowing report about how wonderful they are.
    Then, Cardinal Dough-lan of New York "cuts ties" with Frank Pavone and his Priests-For-Life money mill. According to the Archdiocese, Pavone refused a demand that PFL be subjected to a forensic audit.

    http://www.cruxnow.com/church/2014/12/15/ny-cardinal-timothy-dolan-cuts-ties-with-anti-abortion-crusader-frank-pavone/

    Pavone is yet another EWTN flunkie - what do the people at EWTN think about so many of their celebrities imploding? That these 'attacks by Satan' are a sign of their holiness?
    And speaking of flunkies, check out who EWTN is working with now - that's right, the Ordinariate of Our Lady of Walsingham!
    THRILL!!! as Father Ian of the Ordinariate gives you his Advent Reflections: Sundays at 5am!
    Here's the video - do not operate heavy machinery while watching: http://bcove.me/zmlf98rt

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  7. He does, however, bilk his followers. His last voyage was supposedly for some kind of conference where he bought a whole bunch of fabric. There was not one single photo of anybody who was supposed to have been there. Secondly, the group in Madison is supposedly a lay led group so why was he doing this? He should have had a member from that group attend. The funds he collects could easily have subsidized the trip. Then they could have gone shopping, they could have done what was needed. All of this simply solidifies in my mind that the push for the "extraordinary" form is simply not a lay driven, grass roots movement. It is a political, clerically driven operation led by SSPX and clerics like Z

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    1. Sam,

      The "pilgrimmage" aspect of the Z Scam is likely false documentation to provide cover in case Silky-Lacy boy is ever called to account. Z was on another "Stuff Yer Face" junket sponsored and paid for by the poor working faithful.

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  8. Oh yeah. And as Z rants about being "truthful" about doctrine when it comes to sexual issues (divorce, homosexuality), I notice that he lack truth when it comes to gluttony. And none of the compassionate people who are so interested ensuring that sin is named ever mention gluttony and greed over and over and over and over. Being a drunkard, a glutton, engaging in simony (he actually sold holy cards he purchased for 25 cents blessed by Francis, well actually they were in his pocket when Z was in the crowd, when Francis was on the balcony, when he was in Rome for donations of three figures. That was the going price!) is just fine. Just don't get divorced and then settle into another, faithful marriage. Or God forbid engage in a same sex relationship. Nobody, including his bishop called him out on his sins. The expert canonist Ed Peters who actually teaches at a seminary did not even raise an objection. Where is the apostolic visitation when you need it.

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  9. Reindeer dicks are healthfood. It says it right here on this FOX News video. http://samuel-warde.com/2013/12/christmas-video-conservatives-dont-want-see/

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  10. Just as a random comment on this blog, perhaps Lacy Boy might like to take advantage of these freebies - I light the touch paper and retire...

    http://www.lmschairman.org/2014/12/christmas-offer-for-priests-from-latin.html#more

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