Thursday, November 6, 2014

Ask Father D: Hand Positions During Mass: The Fickle Finger of Stanislaus

The Fickle Finger of Stanislaus

OK, so I don't have the connections to compete with those once-Catholic, now (increasingly) SSPX-sedevacantist blogs.
  • No disrespect to junior high girls, but only they could match RetRorate's impressive posting on recreation room gossip overheard at the "the seminary of an extremely important Argentine Archdiocese" (get it? what sneaky onions over there!)
  • Or score an interview with one of the Church's most influential bishops, + Anathema ScheitfurbrainzAuxiliary Bishop of the Archdiocese of Saint Mary in Asstanning, Camelshitdumpistan, who during a recent kielbasa run to Gadansk, spilled the secret synod beans to a Polish news outlet. Be still my heart! 
  • Or Mother Cunniwicke, now making fierce efforts to prove he really, really, REALLY hates the Pope even more than Damian Thompson and his boyfriend. In "Bells and Smells and Tat Galore!", Cunniwicke says he accepts the teaching of Unitatis Redintegratio, Ut unum sint, Communionis notio, and Dominus Iesus. Apostolicae Curae - not so much.
But when Fr Z starts talking about "hands" and "positions," Fr D just has to share some of my own secret info! Those other blogs won't have this for another month or so. Thanks to our dear Curial friend, Adolf Cardinal Klink, Cardinal Priest in the title of Ss. Prosciutto e Melone, we can now announce:

Once freed from his crushing workload of the Apostolic Signatura, the constant cappa-magna-gloves-and-buskin changes, Liberace Impersonation Night at Finocchio-sotto-il-Nervi, and his "NO ONE HATES POPE FRANCIS MORE THAN I DO" World Tour Truman Cardinal Capote, aka anti-Pope Pius XIII will transport the Fickle Finger of Stanislaus to ordinations of the SP (Summorum Pompositum) and AC (Anglicanorum Coitusinterruptus) to insure valid orders, now jeopardized by the "Bergoglio Pontificate's" obsession with God's mercy, nonchalant "Who am I to judge?" comment and flippant "Carnival's over" attitude. Such traits may endear Pope Francis to commoners "who do not know the law and are lost anyway" (John 7:49), but infuriate traditionalist clerics whose careers are built on judging everyone (but themselves) and recreating the Borgias' papal wardrobe.

Yes, the Fickle Finger of Stanislaus assures the validity of everything it touches, because, baby, like everything else in the Katholic Krazy blogosphere, when Stan gives you the finger, you know you've been fingered!

Bishop ZZ Gabor (the Z stands for Zygsmundt), left, cradles the Fickle Finger, as Il Magnificenzo (right) trudges, practicing to be Pope 
Another Perk-for-Burke: wearing both the ermine mozzetta seen on the future Saint and that chic cashmere coat with mink collar and cuffs sported by Bishop ZZ Gabor, and guaranteed to keep you warm during any encounter with traditionalist Katholic Krazies.

Speaking of fingers, to all you Trid-Trad Pope Francis hating bloggers, Fr D gives you the Bad Finger: Come and Get It (performed by Church Militant TV's house band, who bought their hair where Michael Voris got his!)


  1. GIRL! I would kill for that ermine stole!
    As for the faux mink-collar/cuff coat.....Ha! Looks like she got it at the basement sale at Dicker & Dicker of Beverly Hills. Definitely a mink/rabbit knockoff.

    1. Monsignor Hans Georg "Fritz" Schultz, PANovember 6, 2014 at 8:48 AM

      Dat ist sehr funny, Meister Anonymous, but Bishop ZZ Gabor vas not ze type to wear fake scheit, ok? Du bist eine disrespectful liberal. Vatch out die Finger von Stan does not macht you stop to laff.

    2. Now, see here, Georg! You might know your vestments inside and out, but this queen can spot fake fur from across the Tiber. You do not want to get into a cat fight with THIS girl! I learned my fur at Mommy's knee.

    3. Don't bother arguing with Fritz. Those Germans think that they know everything. They are great at organizing an army, but vesting a prelate? They bring up the rear. Even Von Galen looked a little tacky by 1945.

    4. Monsignor Hans Georg "Fritz" Schultz, PANovember 6, 2014 at 9:38 AM

      Ach mein Gott in Himmel! Almost dinner time here in Roma, und I am exhausted, Liebchens, from an afternoon of racquetball with zee Swiss Guard cadets. Speaking of which, American creepster Voris vas always showing up at barracks in white tennis shorts und ridiculous t-shirt mit die Coat of Arms of White-Haired Bavarian. Passing out cards mit cellphone number. As if. Wanting make movies for TV show. Jah, right. I tell him, "Look, Funny Hair Man. Wir nicht liken you in hier. Papa Maté very popular with cadets, guards, workers, everybody in Vatikan but zee clerics und their rich business friends. Go drink with Kardinal Liberace."

    5. Adolf Cardinal Klink, Cardinal Priest in the Title of Ss. Prosciutto e MeloneNovember 6, 2014 at 10:13 AM

      [Illustration of Cardinalitial Stemma]
      [Motto: Semper Ubi Sub Ubi]

      To whom it may concern:
      Please be advised that some of the material posted on this blog is under Pontifical Embargo until 12:00 Noon on 8 December 2014 and must removed immediately.

      Continued violation of this prohibition will be remanded to the Cardinal Prefect of the Apostolic Signatura, a fate worse than Ebola, as we all know what a prick he can be.

      Contrariis quibuslibet minime obstantibus.

      In quorum fidem, etc.

      Ex cantina Custodiae Helveticae, 6 Novem., 2014.

      + Adolfus Card. Presb. SRE Klink
      Tit. Ss. Prosciutto e Melone

      R. D. HGFritz Schultz, PA
      a secretis

    6. Oh, puh-leeeez, Eminenza. Take a Xanax and have glass of grappa. On second thought, take two Xanax and two glasses of grappa. You will see the Rhine flowing smoothly right into the Tiber. Night-night.

    7. Semper Ubi Sub Ubi!
      Vox Clara must have had some role in that transliteration.

    8. AnonymousNovember 6, 2014 at 8:59 AM who learned about fur at Mommy's knee:
      Way Mommy also called Papa Smurf? Did you wrestle with her during recreation?

    9. Hey! That's our Scout troop's motto; they parade around the camp with it on a flag. I claim trademark infringement rights.

  2. It is telling that anti-pope Pius XIII stated the document that most people considered pastorally warm yet consistent with the Magisterium the saddest document ever. When will this guy b shipped off to Malta again?

  3. Why would Rev'd Mother even think about Apostolicae Curae now? That was really an internal document for the Roman Church in how to handle Anglican convert clergy. It did give Utrecht bishops a chance to stretch their hands and bring home a few pounds due to Anglican insecurity.

  4. Here's Zippo the Hippo again getting his jollies out of the Gliding Cappa:

    "Does the sight of several yards of red silk cause you to break out in a sweat, even if only a little, and start to tremble? Do your fingers start to tingle? Do you get the inexplicable urge to tweet about a certain canonist, known for his adroit pastoral skills, his incisive commentary, and his deep love for the Church?"

    Do I see a tear in your eye?

  5. One of the commentators over there claims that a priest attacked her with a Host, and had the habit of attacking others with the Host as well. I hope she was giggling when she wrote that, even if just a little. Some Catholics really do take themselves too seriously.

    1. If is was one of Zippo's sacerdotal cronies the lady might have felt the business end of his handbag!

  6. "Damian Thompson and his boyfriend"!!!!! You mean the Damian Thompson who is always screaming about the Church "softening" (ahem) its stance on homosexuality? THAT Damian Thompson has a boyfriend? Why am I NOT surprised!?

    1. He's gay!? I thought he was married, anyway I don't see the point of this post cardinal Burke routinely does ordinations for Tridentine rite groups, I think mainly because they have a hard time finding anyone willing to do them

  7. ....................../´¯/)
    ........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
    ..........''...\.......... _.·´

  8. Another Perk-for-Burke: wearing both the ermine mozzetta seen on the future Saint and that chic cashmere coat with mink collar and cuffs sported by Bishop ZZ Gabor, and guaranteed to keep you warm during any encounter with traditionalist Katholic Krazies.

    Speaking of fingers, to all you Trid-Trad Pope Francis hating bloggers, Fr D gives you the Bad Finger: Come and Get It (performed by Church Militant TV's house band, who bought their hair where Michael Voris got his!)