Saturday, July 4, 2015



Well . . . sort of.

Not as far as the folks at The Crackerbox Palace . . A.K.A. our local Chancery Office are concerned.

Yes, today we celebrate The Declaration of Independence. A classic document penned by a true genius.

As opposed to the endless Deluge of Drivel coming from our Chancery Office's Cast of Mental Midgets (they're probably small all over . . . if you get my drift). Anyhow . . . 

I don't know about you, but I've been at this "liturgy thing" for so long, I've about seen it all.

Western Rite, Eastern Rite, Mass Facing the People, Ass Facing the People, Ordinary Form, Extraordinary Form, High Mass, Low Mass, kneel, stand, sit, genuflect on one knee, genuflect on two knees, profound bow, medium bow, head bow, metania, prostration. On my the tongue. In my the hand.

And I've about met 'em all.

Why all mic'd up? Do we really have to know what he's saying to the bread?
Is His Beatitude taking a selfie with a giant selfie-stick?
Hey, this is me ON my meds. You should see me when I skip 'em!


I just can't keep things straight organized anymore. And I don't even try. I figure as long as I kiss only the altar and the Gospel book and my old Yellow Lab Princess, I'm behaving. Know what I mean?

[Speaking of Princess, last time the Chancellor (who, in addition to being the boss' favorite, the bishop even keeps the speaker phone on so the little troll can listen in on "private meetings" with other priests,  thinks he's very special and longs for a pointy hat, and hence is given a special Royal nickname among the brethren) was checking in on me visiting, an old classmate stopped by and walked into the house calling out "I stopped by to see that pain in the ass Princess. Is she receiving guests?" And proceeded to walk past a crimson faced Chaplain of His Holiness.  No wonder he's pastor in a town so far from the Chancery, the closest neighboring parish is in another diocese. Whose Bishop is from another planet. But I digress.]

Ever notice how in countries where they use less deodorant, they also use more incense?
Paging Marie Osmond and NutriSystem!
Most of the people present at liturgy could care less what I do. As long as I have something more or less coherent to say and can smile and be kind to them on the way in and on the way out.
Father D being so cool!
So our new bishop (yup, a NAC-er) sent out a series of guidelines about a month ago (like all Diocesan Mail - except if it's got a "window" showing my check - I always wait a while before opening it), and it turns out to be the same thing people in THIRTEEN dioceses (12 in the USA and 1 in Canada) got recently.

Gee the directives sounded rather familiar. Almost like I had seen them before.  Oh yes! Reynaldo had shown me a hand job out from one of his classes...

Take a gander (unless you'd like a goose: I'll see if Reynaldo is free later on):

Notes for The Mass Practica
Pontifical North American Dance Academy

GIRM General Instruction of the Roman Missal. Translated by the International Committee on English in the Liturgy, Inc. United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, 2003.

CB Ceremonial of Bishops: Revised by Decree of the Second Vatican Ecumenical Council and Published by Authority of Pope John Paul II.. Translated by the International Committee on English in the Liturgy, Inc. Collegeville, MN: The Liturgical Press, 1989.

Please be attentive to the following which pertain to celebrating Mass in the Ordinary Form.  The order found below follows the Order of Mass.

GIRM 206 “No one is ever to enter into a concelebration or to be admitted as a concelebrant once the Mass has already begun.”

CB 107 (General Norms) Position of the Hands
“Concelebrants and ministers keep their hands joined when walking from place to place or when standing, unless they are holding something.”  Granted that the note to this section clarifies that “hands joined” means “Holding the palms sideward and together before the breast, with the right thumb crossed over the left,” I do not think that this a reason for concelebrants/ministers to put the tips of their fingers to their nose or mouth. Or to scratch themselves down their pants. It seems very unhygienic, especially if one is distributing Holy Communion.

The Sign of the Cross at the Beginning of Mass
The formula in the Sacramentary is: “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”  The English translation maintains the parallelism of the Latin text.  The words that are underlined form part of the Sign of the Cross at Mass as well as the standard form of the blessing at the conclusion of Mass. You illiterates, get the words right! Especially if you're from one of the southern Dioceses.

There is no extending, raising, and joining the hands when the principal celebrant begins the “Glory to God in the highest.”  That is done in the Extraordinary Form (hereafter EF). God won't listen to you if you start moving your hands around.

GIRM 127 “The priest then invites the people to pray, saying, with hands joined, Oremus (Let us pray)” (emphasis added).  There is no extension of hands at the “Let us pray” before the opening prayer.  That is done in the EF. We don't do much of anything in the OF.

GIRM 127 “Then the priest, with hands extended, says the collect . . . .”

CB 104 (General Norms) Raised and Outstretched Hands (“with hands extended”)
“Customarily in the Church a bishop or presbyter addresses prayers to God while standing and with hands slightly raised and outstretched (emphasis added).
“This practice appears already in the tradition of the Old Testament, and was taken over by Christians in memory of the Lord’s passion: ‘Not only do we raise our hands, but also hold them outstretched, so that by imitating the Lord in his passion, we bear witness to him as we pray’ (Tertullian, De oratione 14).”

Consequently, when the missal indicates that a prayer, e.g., the presidential prayers, the Eucharistic prayer, or the Our Father, is to be said “with hands extended” please keep in mind that this means with hands slightly raised and outstretched in the form of a cross “imitating the Lord in his passion.”
It does not mean:
  • with the hands in front of the shoulders as in the Extraordinary Form, 
  • nor does it mean with the hands at waist level as if at devotional prayer 
  • nor does it mean with hands raised high in the air, like you just don't care!
  • nor does it mean with you hands down the ass of your pants like you're scratching your butt.

Giving the Deacon the Blessing before the Gospel
GIRM 175 “The he (the deacon) makes a profound bow before the priest and asks for the blessing, saying in a low voice, Iube, domine, benedicere (Father, give me your blessing).  The priest blesses him, saying Dominus sit in corde tuo (The Lord be in your heart).”  It is good to note here that the GIRM does not call for the priest to extend his hand or hands over the deacon, much less to impose hands.  This blessing is done with hands joined. If it's a married deacon just mumble in Latin to show him how much better educated and more important you are. It pisses them off.
The Profession of Faith (Creed) is said without any introduction.  There is no extending, raising, and joining the hands when the principal celebrant begins the “We I believe in one God.”  That is done in the EF. And don't go genuflecting at the Et incarnatus or whatever it is in English now. I teach in Rome so I'm cultured and high-class and don't remember what's going on back home. Just do that profound bow we replaced the genuflection with. WHICH NOBODY DOES. DUH!

GIRM 138 “After the recitation of the Creed, the priest, standing at the chair with hands joined, by means of a brief introduction invites the faithful to participate in the Prayer of the Faithful (emphasis added). . . .  After the intentions, the priest, with hands extended, concludes the petitions with a prayer (emphasis added).”

At the Preparation of the Gifts
When the paten and chalice are placed on the altar after saying the appropriate prayers, a horizontal cross is not made with either the paten or the chalice.  This is done in the EF. No fancy stuff, OK? You're just setting the table not sanctifying an altar. Get it?

The water in the cruet is not blessed before the water is added to the chalice.  This is done in the EF. We use all unblessed water in the OF. 

When incense is used, the celebrant bows only before incensing the crucifix, not before incensing the gifts or the altar.

There is no bow prescribed for the priest after the acolyte has washed his hands.  In the EF, a Gloria Patri concluded the psalm Lavabo inter innocentes which the priest said while he was washing his hands, and the priest bowed at the Gloria Patri.

GIRM 146 “Upon returning to the middle of the altar, the priest, facing the people and extending and then joining his hands, invites the people to pray, saying, Orate, fratres (Pray, brethren) (emphasis added).”

GIRM 152-154 The Our Father, Embolism (Deliver us, Lord), and the prayer that precedes the Sign of Peace
These prayers are all said with hands extended. Don't go playing with that paten. Blessing yourself. Touching your eyes (Dominican Rite). Scratching your ears (Ethiopian Rite). Kissing. What a kissy bunch that OF crowd is.

At the Sign of Peace
GIRM 239 “The concelebrants who are nearer the principal celebrant receive the sign of peace from him before the deacon does.” Do not go down to the people. Unless you're Pope Francis and you feel like it. Then screw the directions and move before Guido can trip you.

At the Breaking of the Bread
GIRM 155 “The priest then takes the host and breaks it over the paten.  He places a small piece in the chalice . . . .”
Some things to note:
  • The host is not broken over the chalice.  That is done in the EF. See it matters where you break it over. Because I said so. Damn it!
  • There is no sign of the cross made with the small piece of the host that the priest places in the chalice.  That is done in the EF. Just drop it in. See if it floats. If it sinks, you're using some good hockey-puck style homemade host bread.

GIRM 156 “Then the priest, with hands joined, quietly says the preparatory prayer of Communion . . . .”
Something to note:
  • The priest does not bow when he says the preparatory prayer of Communion.  The priest bows for those prayers in the EF. Don't go acting humble like we used to. You think Jesus is impressed with that?

GIRM 158 “After this, standing and turned toward the altar, the priest . . . reverently receives the Body of Christ. . . . Then he takes the chalice . . . and reverently receives the Blood of Christ.”
Something to note:
  • The priest does not make the sign of the cross with the host before he receives it.  This is done in the EF. I know Benedict used to. Because he wanted to. And he was the Pope. You're not.
  • The priest does not make the sign of the cross with the chalice before he receives the Precious Blood.  This is done in the EF.

After the concelebrants have received communion, the Precious Blood should not be poured from one chalice into another.  It should be either consumed or distributed to the faithful, cf. Redemptionis Sacramentum 106: “However, the pouring of the Blood of Christ after the consecration from one vessel to another is completely to be avoided, lest anything should happen that would be to the detriment of so great a mystery.”

On consuming consecrated hosts and consecrated wine at the altar (rather than elsewhere in the sanctuary):
GIRM 163 “When the distribution of Communion is finished, the priest himself immediately and completely consumes at the altar any consecrated wine that happens to remain; as for any consecrated hosts that are left, he either consumes them at the altar or carries them to the place designated for the reservation of the Eucharist” (emphasis added).

By the same token, the chalices should be purified with water and not just wiped with a purificator after the Precious Blood is consumed. See sometimes we act like it really is the Body and Blood of Christ and sometimes we go casual. Do what I tell you if you want to get through this course.

For the Blessing at the End of Mass
When the solemn blessing is used, it is always preceded by the customary Greeting and Response, i.e., “The Lord be with you.” “And also with you.”   AND WITH YOUR SPIRIT - or else!

Also, the most common blessing follows the formula: “May almighty God bless you, the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.”  As in the Sign of the Cross at the beginning of Mass, this follows the parallelism of the Latin text.

At the Conclusion of Mass
At the conclusion of Mass, it would be good if the concelebrants wait until the celebrant has exited the chapel before they are seated for their personal time of  thanksgiving.

Can you imagine what a total pain in the ass I must have been back at my monastery? Now you know why they have me teaching over here annoying the crap out of you.

Blah Blah Blah Blah Freakin' Blah

No wonder they shipped everyone off to Creepy Creighton's Nervous Breakdown Factory after that class.

They're so concerned for some strange reason (NOT) about these new priests improvising (is Improv taught at the NAC to0?) rubrics from the Abrogated Older Form into the Newer Form.  I guess this the much touted Mutual Enrichment.  Just once I'd like to see something from the Newer Form imported into the Abrogated Older Form, like Eucharistic Prayer Two, for example. 

Yup, you guessed it!  It's from the Pontifical North American Dance Academy. Where they know All the Right Moves! Which also happens to be their favorite (in public) movie there, for some reason.

I have no idea why. The movie has nothing to do with liturgy. And Tom Cruise left the seminary in high school and never wore any vestments in the movie. Oh well. Must be that cute cross Tom was still wearing after everything else came off.

Can you imaging the Pope receiving these directives? With his own version of the epiclesis. And that post-Consecration bow. How would one say, "Shove it up your ass where the sun doesn't shine" en Español?

So all that started me thinking (which I do once or twice a week just like the full Divine Office): there's another important gesture, too, we should all get right whenever passing by the Chancery Office:

No! Not that one, Reynaldo!  Unless you want these poor folks to be labeled in the same category as Father D as a sacerdos subversus. Get it together!

That will make your Local Ordinary feel not so local and not so ordinary. Even though, if he's like mine, he's really local (and gonna stay that way) and really ordinary. Weird but ordinary.

So let me know by posting below what the directives are in your Diocese! Even if you're in one of the THIRTEEN who have checked in so far (no one in the UK yet!).

Meanwhile, here's a little hymn that will help you keep your liturgical gestures up-to-date and in the proper form. Tie your cincture nice and tight before starting this one. We used this at Heifer House to learn our liturgical gestures in Father Gorgeous Goatee's class. And it worked like a charm. And he ended up with a pointy hat!

(This was not filmed at Heifer House or the NAC . . . look at all those women! Biological ones!)

Thursday, July 2, 2015


Truth according to the Krazy Katholic Konverts:

*Thanks to Facebook friend TM for sharing this image. If I keep swiping images from you, we're going to have to put you on staff. 

In other news craziness in reaction to SCOTUS' decision last week on the issue of marriage, some took to Facebook and placed their profile picture in a rainbow  filter to demonstrate their pride and joy.

More recently others have counter reacted in expressing their Roman Catholic pride:

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Other times it's something else. 

Father Roman's bishop has encouraged Catholics who are serving as employed or elected clerks to resist using civil disobedience.

"Wanted: More Conscientious Objectors
A county clerk in Hood County Texas isn’t going to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples because, she said, she has rights too. “I will not be issuing same-sex marriage licenses due to my religious convictions,” Katie Lang wrote. Lang said that the Constitution guarantees her freedom of religion too. (CNN)
Congratulations to Ms. Lang for her courageous stand! We need many more conscientious objectors – public officials, private business owners, advertisers, religious leaders, and family members – people of courage who will abide by their conscience, protect their religious rights, and not support or enable the furtherance of this moral aberration – so-called, “same-sex marriage.”As the American Bishops said, the Supreme Court decision allowing “same-sex marriage” is “a tragic error that harms the common good.” Catholics, and other citizens of goodwill, should oppose this misdirected innovation and steadfastly proclaim the unchanging truth about marriage as we have received it from God!"

Father D asked (without receiving a reply)

Should Roman Catholic Clerks also resist issuing marriage licences to those entering a second civil marriage after a divorce without a decree of nullity from the Church? Or is this only a same sex issue? Just looking for clarity.

Father Roman's bishop is, without a doubt, the most vociferous prelate in New England reacting to last weeks ruling.  That is certainly his right as a Catholic Bishop defending the teachings of the Church. 

Have you seen the Bishop's cute little puppy?

Very funny Reynaldo. (I should never have placed him in charge of graphics and images.)  That is not the bishops lap dog.  Try again. 

An update. Friday 9:50 PM
Here is how a real bishop responds to these sensitive issues:

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Summer Thoughts From Mark Thomas


Shiver me timbers!

Anchors aweigh!

Hoist up my . . . alright, you get the picture.

The Good Ship Sheitfürbrainz has docked Down Under! Bringing an exotic note - the only Bishop we know of who was consecrated by a layman! - to an exotic land for these exotic times!

Our wonderful friends over at The New Liturgical Bowel Movement have very moving pictures of the Episcopus Vagans from Kamelshitdumpiztan who's everywhere but home this summer, doing what he can to implement Pope Francis' No-Airport-Bishops policy and translate Evangelii Gaudium into a real live magisterial programme for the Church of the future!

You know, visiting the Bowels is always like going on a trip back to Mayberry RFD or Leave It To Beaver Land . . . and their latest is no different!

Here's a brand new priest, two days ordained, leading the charge of The New Evangelization forward in The Joy of the Gospel:

Followed by Mass for the local military group serving 
Australia in the War Against ISIS:

This timely journey back into 1957 included a HUGE exhortation on how the sorrows and conflicts that have engulfed the modern secularized world since the invention of the television and washing machine, antibiotics and NutriSystem, can only be cast out by prayer and fasting:

I couldn't find any pictures that showed the congregation of laity gathered to anticipate the doom of the planet. Why do you think that was? Here's a little multiple choice quiz, just like the final exams in theology we used to take at Heifer House:

A) there were more people in the sanctuary than there were in the rest of the whole church

B) the majority of those laity who were present were bearded men dressed in lace and mostly in couples

C) who cares if any laypeople showed up anyhow since they're not necessary for a real Mass and since there was no collection

D) all of the above

While you're over at The New Liturgical Bowel Movement, don't miss Ben Yankinit's coverage of an extraordinary looking ordinary form Mass! Just what Pope Emeritus Benedict wanted: to get the folks from Servpro to clean up Vatican II:

But with Scheitfürbrainz sailing the Seven Seas fomenting schism, let's cue a Summer Hit from the Heifer House Folk Mass Hit Parade of the 1970s when Humberto Cardinal Chouriço was Archbishop! Enjoy!

Tuesday, June 30, 2015


Liturgical Tip #1:

Semper ubi sub ubi.

Alone or with others.

Saturday, June 27, 2015


Justice Kennedy:
''The nature of marriage is that, through its enduring bond, two persons together can find other freedoms, such as expression, intimacy, and spirituality."

That make sense to me.

Justice Scalia:
"Really? Who ever thought that intimacy and spirituality (whatever that means) were freedoms? And if intimacy is, one would think Freedom of Intimacy is abridged rather than expanded by marriage. Ask the nearest hippie."

That makes sense too.

OK, so I'm confused. 

But you probably noticed that.

I'm not a hippie. My parents were hippies. Sort of. They always played Woodstock type hippie music. But they didn't go to Woodstock because they were both working that weekend at The Big Department Store That Was Bought Out By A Chain at What Was A Shopping Center Before It Became a Mall and had to cover for the hippies who called in sick to go to Woodstock.

Dad said it was a good preparation for life, because in his career he had to work double in the office on days when fellow workers who were "deadbeats" called in sick. And he had to pay such high taxes, he said, to provide for "deadbeats" who wouldn't provide for themselves or their families.

And my parents liked both of these songs from back then.

Both of these songs make sense to me.

See why I'm so confused?

My parents loved this song too. But did Frank know this was for one of "those" couples? At least Reynaldo heard that from one of the old fools he's always mixing drinks for . . . they'd know. Or would they? Listen to the words. I'm so confused.

I could never figure out why Frank left the priesthood to become an actor. I'll bet it was that foxy little Mia Farrow! He seemed like such a good priest. No plastic tab collar for him!
Breviary right there on the desk. Looks like the Baronius Press edition. And no fancy computer either. And it seems like he was into Summorum Pontificum and the Tridentine Mass. Wait. Didn't he die before Summorum Pontificum? I'm so confused.

Friday, June 26, 2015

FROM MUNDY'S CLOSET: Caption Contest

In between homophopic screeds and insane rants our pal Mundy is having a caption contest.  Since I'm sure he won't accept my caption through his comments, here goes. 

Benedict: Ach mein Gott, ich Scheiße meine Hose wieder.

Francis: Egli puzza. Il vecchio merda nei pantaloni di nuovo.