Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Happy Birthday, Holy Father!

We're lighting ALL 78 CANDLES!

Just to balance off the 78,000 voodoo pins being stuck into Pope Francis dolls
all over the Katholic Krazy blogosphere.

Ad multos annos, Holy Father!

There was a birthday cake,
some Argentine mate to drink,
 and even some dangerously intimate displays of human affection and heartfelt joy on the part of many in the festive crowd.

(Pope reportedly likes the Tango . . . shhhh)

No Katholic Krazies (especially no Konverts)
were in any way injured by the fun and frivolity depicted here
(although we continue to relish the thought of how all this must eliminate any need they may ever have had for laxatives)

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Dear Father: Your Q's and My Big Fat A's On Animals In Heaven

I'm sure you can imagine that many of the poor ignorant paying laity are rather confused in this time of troubles and temptations of mercy and compassion.  Father D does his best to answer the many questions that enter his In Box.  Here is just one such Q and A.

Dear Faddah D:
I'm all silly willy sad and mad by the recent talk about dogs going to heaven. I watch the morning shows from New York while washing down my first two Xanax of the day with my coffee, and everyone this morning  seemed so slap happy silly and joyful by what the Pope had apparently said, whether it was accurately reported or not. I must confess that I am getting all mixed up in my head trying to keep up with all the new wild and  things coming out of Rome, especially all the bizarre stuff about God being merciful and forgiving and actually liking the people He made. We're Roman Catholics. We're not supposed to be slap happy about what the Pope says. We're supposed to be in fear and trembling of burning in the fires of Heck. Right?  Can you help me understand what is going on? Shouldn't the Pope at least be telling scared crying kids that their dead pets are in limbo with their stillborn brothers and sisters and that nice old Christian Science man that used to drive the school bus?  I mean I know I can get my grandmother out of Purgatory by sending money to your website where you show pictures of priests in vestments that look a lot like what my grandmother used to use to upholster her couch. But she was Catholic. But my dead gerbil was nothing (but by the way did not practice birth control and I mean big time did not practice it unlike some oversexed Catholics I know). Can I tell my daughter that her goldfish will go to heaven and be with her? Or should she be forced to face the reality that even she will have trouble getting in to Paradise, never mind the silly fish?
Puppy-Pooped  in Provo


Upon consulting canon lawyers and theologians in my acquaintance, Father D herein replies . . . 

Nah, wait a minute.

You know, I was going to type a big long complicated convoluted response like the RetRorate Onion did. 
Or here. Seems like all clergy online are asking themselves are being asked this question.

But the hell with it. It's Saturday night and there's a Sam Adams' Seasonal waiting at the pub down the street with my name on it. Actually there's several.

So let's just be real, OK?

No layperson, except perhaps someone in residential treatment (and therefore without computer access) gives a rat's ass or a stray shit about any of the made-up questions he posts at that increasingly schismatic website and then wastes zigabytes of bandwidth tortuously answering. Only a former absolutely null and utterly void control freak, who thought the Catholic Church was the last bastion of gloom and doom and clerical authority, could come up with that crap.

Certainly no cradle Catholic, who once upon a time had to listen to tons of that kind of baloney and is grateful to have lived long enough to see it shredded by Pope Francis in the celestial grinder of God's mercy cares anything about any of it. 

Normal Catholics are over-the-moon happy at Pope Francis' exercise of his ministry as Successor of Peter. Period. For everyone else, there's Econe. Lovely this time of year.

Time for an exorcism of that website.

Friday, December 12, 2014


I turned on the TV tonight and found that Pope Francis has been caught being nice again.

Apparently, Francis consoled a little boy whose dog had died by suggesting that there's room in heaven for all God's creatures.

RetRorate Grinches to the rescue!

UPDATE: Speaking of Krazy Konverts:
[amazing how much time "married" clergy have to explore their hatred of Pope Francis!] 

Hey, if there isn't room in the Church for all kinds of people, then there sure as hell (pardon the pun) isn't room in Heaven for any animals!

Anyhow, everyone knows that only Krazy Katholic Konverts go to heaven (alleged wives, unsightly facial hair, homemade liturgies, abrogated Masses, obnoxiously pretentious personalities and all).

Must be a fun place, eh?

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Fr. D to priests going to Rome for the Jan ’16 CCC conference (or other reason)

I have wanted to attend the Confraternity of Catholic Clergy conference in Rome from 5-9 January.  I’m doing travel arrangements right now with this poor puppy who hasn't been the same since he served my Mass in the Roman catacombs 20 years ago. We've been ripping laity off left and right - well, mostly right and far right for the last three pontificates (and I sure could use some donations for it… As I am essentially a free agent (which actually means I don't do ANYTHING for free!), I don’t get continuing education allowances, etc.  The wavy flag will help you to help me even though I've been boasting that "this one's on me" for a week. (As always, brain-dead laity, the joke's on you!)

The line up for the Conference looks pretty good.  Father Ca$h-in Fullofhimself and The Druids of Nausea will be there peddling their beer along with the Cloistered Camaldolese Nuns of Santa Dragomira the Warrior Nun of Upper Bosnia Convent and Residential Tune-Up Center who will be showing off their new line of underarm deodorant (but not their old line of under arm hair). I am not sure about registration at this date and I believe the hotel/conference center where it is taking place no longer have rooms, but there are short-let apartments and other, clerical places and convents, and always the toilet stalls at the Termini.

Anyway… perhaps there is the chance of a blognic in Rome. An excellent opportunity for seminarians of all kinds (tap-dancing sensations, that means you!!!!) to see what a real priest is like! Hint hint: You can't beat an evening of free beer and snacks on the laity.

All alcoholic blessings will be usus antiquior
by Father Michele Rodney, Latin-Mass Biker & Bear Chaplain.

Also, I am thinking of a short let apartment.  I could be persuaded to share a 2-bedroom with a priest whom I know (or a 1-bedroom with dim lighting with a priest I don't know). But the closet window is closing.

The benefits of sharing a place with me, is that I can teach you how to modify tactical clerical shirts.

Applicant should be into priestly fraternity.
Nothing like spending an evening in and hanging out:

(sung Compline includes communal taking of the discipline
according to the usus antiquior - if you get my drift).

Must be Pro-Life.

Sense of community helpful, though not always healthy.

Cooking skills are always a plus.
We can take turns.

I'll take pics of the food and post them!

C'mon, I know you wanna be roomies...

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

December 12: Our Lady of Guadalupe at the Vatican

Having "honored" Our Lady (December 8) with a massive display of throne-sniffing and a 28-piece ensemble of laity-paid-for drapes-turned-into-pretentiously-ugly-and-pompously-grotesque vestments, Fr. Z wastes no time getting back to his idea of normal and business-as-usual:

I am reminded of the claim that it will be, must be, the Latin American Church to breathe life into the tired old Church in the old Northern Hemisphere. Yeah, right.
* Sigh * Read the whole sorry mess here (if you need some Advent penance).
We'd rather prepare for Friday's Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe at the Vatican (being celebrated as a Solemnity) by the first Latin American Pope.

Presiding at the 6:00 PM (Rome time) Spanish-language Eucharist in Saint Peter's, Pope Francis will honor the Patroness of the Americas "asking her intercession for the evangelization of her peoples, for their growth in humanity and for the building up of conditions of peace, justice and unity among the sister nations."
At 4:45 PM (Rome time), the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe will be solemnly carried into the basilica, together with the flags of all nations of the Americas, the "Guadalupe Rosary" will be prayed and an Advent devotion, accompanied by songs from the popular tradition of Latin America.
Holy Mass will be accompanied by the songs of the Misa Criolla by the Argentine composer Ariel Ramírez, under the direction of his son, Facundo Ramírez, with the collaboration of his musical ensemble, soloist Patricia Sosa, and the Roman choral group, "Musica Nuova." Coincidently, it is precisely 50 years since Ariel Ramírez presented this Mass setting, then newly-composed, to Blessed Paul VI. The setting is known to be a favorite of Francis who always presented a CD of the original Ariel Ramirez version as a gift to bishops and Cardinals who came to visit him in Buenos Aires.
The Vatican booklet for Friday's celebration is online here.

And a sample of the Misa Criolla Gloria is here:

The full original Ariel Ramirez version is here:

Because you live again, O Rose
Who bloomed in Guadalupe's snows,
In this your image, flow'ring fair,
Our songs as flowers fill the air.

O Virgin, Rose in brambles grown,
Who chose this people for your own,
Your flowering image glorifies
The tangled brushwood of our lives.

God made you lovely past compare,
You life was one unfolding prayer;
And then He fashioned you again,
An image which He gave to men.

We pray, protect us as your own
And intercede at Heaven's throne;
While here we kneel before your face,
Send down a ray of saving grace.

adapted from the ancient 'Abatal' of 1532
by Sister M. Francis, PC and M. Owen Lee, CSB

Monday, December 8, 2014

My Annual Rant About BLUE VESTMENTS

I had nearly forgotten about this topic, but the feast of Our Lady, during Advent, brings it back to mind.  The use of blue vestments during Advent is pretty much cliché now, so cliché that not even the aging hippies are clinging to it.  But… here’s my annual rant about the use of blue vestments in the Roman Rite.

Some people will say, “But Father! But Father! Once upon a time in Spanish territories there was an indult and… therefore… we can… you know!  You hate Vatican II!” (Yes, I do! Almost as much as I hate Pope Francis! And nuns! And those "intrinsically disordered" people. Unless they're ranked Monsignor or higher . . . and so many of them are!)

Who knows if that legendary – I repeat legendary – indult still applies. I don’t.  I seriously doubt it does.  Has anyone ever seen the text of that indult?  No. I haven’t either.  Has anyone ever ever seen the text of my dissertation? No. I haven't either.  Who knows if that legendary – I repeat legendary – dissertation even exists?

Others will say, “But Father! But Father! There is a custom of using blue during Advent and on Marian feasts!”  Yeah yeah… sure.  It’s against the law.  Are we advocating breaking the law to do stuff now?  Hey!  I can go there!  That is to say, I’m getting to the point where, in the age of Francis, we can do whatever we want to the Roman Rite.  It’s for the poor, after all, and it can also be mutual enrichment.  There are lots of things we do in the Extraordinary Form that should be done in the Ordinary Form.  

Let’s jettison the OF offertory prayers and use the traditional prayers.  I’m okay with that. Forget all that “Say The Black” stuff!  Whose to say what “Black” means?  See?  I love Vatican II after all! (And when I'm not doing the red and saying the black, I love drinking the red and doing the black . . . Oh Reynaldo. Well, he was more mocha latte, actually).

Still others will cry, “But FATHER! Solemn occasions merit the most beautiful vestments even though they might not be the right color!  It’s legitimate to use illicit colors if they are the best vestments you have!”  Sure… okay.  I’ll bit. (You bit, I'll bite.)  I’ll also ask: Why are the blue vestments the best you have? (Maybe cuz I never wear them out of fear of the liturgical police self appointed undercover agents like Agent Zippy and Agent Hairy Mary)

Blue is not an approved liturgical color in the Roman Rite. OK?

Blue is not an approved liturgical color in the Roman Rite. GOT IT?

As soon as blue is approved for use, and I hope it will be, I will be among the first to have a beautiful set made in the Roman style!  I will take up a collection and get a magnificent Solemn set, perhaps even a Pontifical set, (not that I will ever get to wear it) replete with cope and humeral veil and all the dalmatics and tunics and gremials and frontals!  (OH MY!) Then I’ll make some great blog posts with photos.

For the last time!
Blue is not an approved liturgical color in the Roman Rite.

Ok, so Blue is allowed in the Byzantine Rite, and I have to admit it's kind of attractive . . . I just love the old formal vesting rites, don't you? All that attention to detail. Reynaldo was a detail type . . . But I digress . . . whew! 

Even in the Roman Rite sometimes it's hard to tell where BLUE stops and BLIMP begins . . . which reminds me . . . . gotta get to the throne-sniffing fest at the Cathedral . . . 

Until that day, enjoy this annual song from the official Parodohymnodist.

Sunday, December 7, 2014


What to do? What to do?

The Katholic Krazies bitch about Uncle Frank:
this guy's the original ATTITUDE DUDE

Good old Pio NoNo . . . 

When he wasn't busy raising little Jewish convert babies or churning out Anathema Sits, he was churning out Infallible Dogmas . . . 

(including the infallible dogma on infallibility that allowed him to churn out infallible dogmas . . . )

Well one of those became the Patronal Feast of the United States of America . . . tomorrow . . . er . . . uh . . . today . . . depending on where you are.

So, devout Catholics will go to Mass ONCE sometime from Saturday Evening to Sunday noontime to observe the Second Sunday of Advent. Then AGAIN sometime from Sunday evening to Monday evening to observe the Immaculate Conception.

The rest of  us want to know: What's the least we can do and still not go to hell?

Fr. Z gives his opinion here.

A noted canonist gives his opinion here.

You know me. Slovenly monastic. Practical pastor. Let me break it down for you with a VISUAL RESPONSE:

As long as you give to TWO collections, it doesn't matter HOW MANY MASSES you go to. Got it?

Hell, if you live in one of our more progressive dioceses - where they're pushing DIRECT DEPOSIT - to protect the people of God from having too much direct contact with the whacky clergy, you don't have to go at all.

Stay home and watch Father Chlamydius Mary's Latin-glish gig on EWTN. 

Meanwhile, if you're in Madison, the Throne-Sniffer-in-Chief will be micromanaging Pontifical Mass at the Throne tomorrow night . . . er . . . tonight. Here is the Madison Cathedral Choir's rendition of the Feast Day Hymn (Fr. Zuhlsdorf simultaneously playing acoustic accordion and electronic kumquat).