Wednesday, September 2, 2015


Welcome back, boys men! Don't miss my pig roast!
Or you could find yourself "roasted".
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Devotedly in Christ,
Your Very Important Even Though Not Yet Mitred Rector
OK, so I'm not the Master of Miserable Machos Surging Seminarians in Madison, like my buddy Father Z.

But I do have a devoted readership among Seminarians world wide!

Plenty of "hits" on my humble page, from Madison, points East and West, North and South, Ordinary Form, Extraordinary Form, Latin, English, and a few other languages.

Even quite a few hits from Rome (and I don't mean dear young Reynaldo just checking up on me to make sure I haven't thrown out his One Direction posters and lunchbox!).

So the other day one of our . . . let's say "young ethnic Seminarians" (from one of the many countries that doesn't have fond memories of the USA's "action" in their homeland) . . . emailed me with news of his return to the Seminary for another year of "formation" . . . and awesome pictures from his Rector's Welcome Back Opening Mass and Pig Roast.

I don't know about you, and I get the Opening Mass, but is a pig roast a very good way to reopen the Seminary year? Besides slaughtering edible animals, you may not know this but all my years in the inner city priory of my non-meat-eating monastic Order that combined the full chanted Divine Office (including Matins in the middle of the night) with its day and night street-smart ministry taught me what city thugs and hoodlums of both sexes mean by "pig roast" and "spit roast." 

Ye gods! Oh well . . . 

Dear Father D,
Hope all is well with your stipend-scooping boat ministry! LOL! After a gruesome flight (I don't have lay losers paying my way like Father Zuhlsdorf . . . yet! Just kidding . . . you told me not to turn into a mercenary clericalist asshole like him and I'm trying not to!), I landed in XXXX and took public transportation, like you suggested Pope Francis would want me to do, over to XXXX Seminary. It was already night and this was the best picture I could get of it. My room is the one with the light in the very back. At the top of the tower is the Rector's Suite which he had remodeled for $XXX,XXX. Probably from all the money he's made on his books and videos (and I won't forget your joke about watching only his Church vids and not his porn clips. Ha! Ha! Ha! I think even his Church vids are porn . . . but I digress, as you would say!)
Rector "presided" at Lauds. You told me to ask him during the first Q & A where he stood on the Deflated Balls Controversy but I don't dare cuz that would make the other Rector-haters laugh and Rector ass-kissers scheme against our "perseverance"!
Faculty is the same as last year and they greeted us in the morning after that 45 minute SUNG Lauds in all the languages represented by the seminarians from about 50 different nations. Eww and Ugh what a way to start a day.
Then came what has to be one of the grossest beginnings to anything I've ever had to go to:


Can you imagine they have a Pig Roast to start the year off. Especially when one of the previous Rectors was nicknamed Piggy and the current Rector looks like one! Ha! Ha! Ha! Everything is done by those Nuns the Rector took in as a favor to the LOCAL HEAD OF THE CHURCH (you told me before never to identify him in my emails). Their ranch is right behind the Seminary:
It's weird how nice they are to the animals that they're preparing to slaughter and make tons of money on. Though, like you said before, they're sort of an image of the Seminary itself. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Sister Mary Cunegunda (guess what her nickname is among the seminarians!) takes care of the pigs:
You can see from that club she's holding that "takes care of" doesn't really take care of what she really does.

Here are some pics from the get together. One of the unhappy and disgruntled Faculty priests suggested we use some spare copies of The Missal to get the fire going (around here there are closets full of The Missal in various sizes and bindings):


We all called this "OUR RECTOR LOOK ALIKE"
The nuns joined us after they killed the animals they had so lovingly cared for:
Like you said,"from Brides to Bitches" in no time flat and a lot like the Seminary faculty who celebrate at the end of every year after "killing" us! And sending most of us off to that nuthouse in Omaha! Really sad.

Well, Father D, pray for me. Pray for all of us. It's time for another "Rector's Conference." We have to leave our cell phones at the door because he knows no one listens to him. Endless stories about all the Cardinals and Bishops he knows (like you told me, "whose asses he's kissed over many years"). I remember telling you how he practically cried at the conference after Cardinal XXXX of XXXX died. You told me that was one of two loser Cardinals he had pinned his Pointed Hat Quest on. Ha! Ha! Ha! And more news on all the books we have to buy (thanks for telling me that THAT publisher has a hefty $$$$ deal going with him. Ha! Ha! Ha!). I'll let you know when the local HitlerYugenTutum is flying Father Zuhlsdorf back to town for wining and dining and whining and ripping us all off!

Say hey to Reynaldo for me!

Sincerely in Jesus and His Mother Mary,

Well, there you have it. Poor bastard! What an inspiration that sad email is to make all of us wish all our seminarian readers well, and to pray for them.

But let's be honest. Father D wants to hear more! So . . . 

Seminarian Readers from around the world: let's hear from you. Feel free to fill my COMBOX with precious and riotous stories about all the bullshit fun times you're having at your seminary! You don't have to name names or place places. Just say enough so we can all guess what nuthouse accredited seminary you're imprisoned at assigned to this year!

If you're stuck at "The Dance Academy" even though you're not a dancer or show tunes dude, make sure you say hey too - and feel free to leave some "dirt" behind!

Love and laughter, prayers and a chaste kiss of peace,
your friend,
Father D

Speaking of "The Dance Academy," here's an awesome video clip of one of their best a cappella tunes ever! Even though they're not wearing their cassocks, they're still well dressed!

Tuesday, September 1, 2015


Most of the press, at least here in the States, is reacting to the part of Pope Francis' unexpected letter this morning that extends the faculty to absolve from abortion.

I don't know about you, every priest I know has been absolving along those lines for years. 

So I thought the BIG NEWS concerned

The Bishop Fellay Show

and Papa Francesco being nicer to them than they and their Krazy Katholic Konverts from the Kraposphere driving their custom-made gas-guzzlers down the Road to Econe have been to him with their hateful, slanderous, sedevacantist krapola day after day after (for them) miserable day.  Can you imagine how quickly the whiskers are growing this morning on the grim grimace of The Bitter Bag O' Onions? It will be enough to make that fetching mustache twitch on Bishop Cagey-Uh-Know-Nuttin's smilin' face. Reverend Mother M. John Cunniwicke, meanwhile, will probably still be pissed off that he spent all those years making all those British pounds sterling by saying all those utterly-null-and-absolutely-void make-believe Masses before being assumed into the Ladies of Walsingham's Fraudinariate by The Ordinary Newton. Well, Reverend Mum, the quality of mercy is not strained with Papa Francesco and may yet droppeth retroactively upon your place below! 

The Bishop Fellay Show part of Pope Francis' letter:

A final consideration concerns those faithful who for various reasons choose to attend churches officiated by priests of the Fraternity of St Pius X.

This Jubilee Year of Mercy excludes no one.

From various quarters, several Brother Bishops have told me of their good faith and sacramental practice, combined however with an uneasy situation from the pastoral standpoint.

I trust that in the near future solutions may be found to recover full communion with the priests and superiors of the Fraternity.

In the meantime, motivated by the need to respond to the good of these faithful, through my own disposition, I establish that those who during the Holy Year of Mercy approach these priests of the Fraternity of St Pius X to celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation shall validly and licitly receive the absolution of their sins.

Trusting in the intercession of the Mother of Mercy, I entrust the preparations for this Extraordinary Jubilee Year to her protection.

From the Vatican, 1 September 2015


Let's just hope the SSPX and their RETROrate affiliates make some changes to their usual approach to the Sacrament of Penance:

There’s a wideness in God’s mercy,
Like the wideness of the sea;
There’s a kindness in His justice,
Which is more than liberty.

There is no place where earth’s sorrows
Are more felt than up in Heaven;
There is no place where earth’s failings
Have such kindly judgment given.

There is welcome for the sinner,
And more graces for the good;
There is mercy with the Savior;
There is healing in His blood.

There is grace enough for thousands
Of new worlds as great as this;
There is room for fresh creations
In that upper home of bliss.

For the love of God is broader
Than the measure of our mind;
And the heart of the Eternal
Is most wonderfully kind.

There is plentiful redemption
In the blood that has been shed;
There is joy for all the members
In the sorrows of the Head.

’Tis not all we owe to Jesus;
It is something more than all;
Greater good because of evil,
Larger mercy through the fall.

If our love were but more simple,
We should take Him at His word;
And our lives would be all sunshine
In the sweetness of our Lord.

Souls of men! why will ye scatter
Like a crowd of frightened sheep?
Foolish hearts! why will ye wander
From a love so true and deep?

It is God: His love looks mighty,
But is mightier than it seems;
’Tis our Father: and His fondness
Goes far out beyond our dreams.

But we make His love too narrow
By false limits of our own;
And we magnify His strictness
With a zeal He will not own.

Was there ever kinder shepherd
Half so gentle, half so sweet,
As the Savior who would have us
Come and gather at His feet?

Frederick W. Faber
Born 1814
Ordained Anglican Priest 1839
Ordained Roman Catholic Priest 1847
Died 1863

Monday, August 31, 2015

V. O Lord, open my app. R. While my assistant fetches my panini.

Second from the left, though I think he'd rather be identified as "third from the Far Right," Monsignor Guido Marini, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI's former and Papa Francesco's current MC, was just sighted in New York City's Penn Station.

Check out the Obama-Administration-provided gang of super cassock-wearing Secret Service ops . . . . scary-looking dudes!

It looks like they're all reciting the Divine Office from their iBreviary app . . . . . I'm sure they all rose simultaneously and did the profound bow expected at the Gloria Patri . . . 

All this brought back memories of Monsignor Guido's truly thunderous "Extra Omnes" at the opening of the Conclave that terminated Gutsy Guido's favorite velvet mozzetta, since, "The Carnival is over . . . "

I wonder if "Macho Man Marini" and the "Soutane Swingers" made it to the Village during their visit . . . 

Friday, August 28, 2015

RIP Mister Wesolowski

Disgraced, deposed former nuncio dies while awaiting trial on molestation and child pornography charges.  NCR article here.

Yes. Old news. I know.

One question though...
Will Bishop Anathema Scheitfurbrainz preside at his friends funeral?

Or will his summer long procession around the globe undermining Vatican II keep him too busy?

Please remember the victims of Mr. Wesolowski in your prayers. 
Also, in your charity, pray for the soul of the deceased.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Sometimes Karma Is A Bitch

Sometimes she really is a bitch...

Aloha from Hawaii from H.E. Cardinal Levada

Father D dedicates this one to the sisters of the LCWR.
Not that I always agree with them, but because they (well their working members have) have been in the trenches and been under appreciated for too long.

In case you have not yet read about, here you go. 

Perhaps Otis Cardinal Levada and San Fran Sal can can hit the same DUI class together.

At least he didn't hit another car and drive away on his way to his family home.


Saturday, August 22, 2015


Even living here in my humble Hermitage-by-the-Sea 24/7, 365 (or 366) days a year, I can tell when summer is coming to an end, just by looking at the folks getting in their last Rays and Waves! Monastic hospitality keeps the house humming, even though Reynaldo no longer serves as Guestmaster. We have our regular guests.
But some of their younger Sisters visit us too! The nuns are on the left . . . 
Some "outside the Order" also drop by!
That's Sister The Donald, visiting us from her ministry with immigrants to Key West. She always has awesome beach gear! Can you guess who her name-patron is?

Anyhow, one of the wonderful things about having this humble blog is that friends send me all kinds of pictures and news and funny stories . . . check the comment box for stories from YOUR HOME DIOCESE!

Most times there's no name, but enough info to help you nail the place down pretty accurately. Although the screw-ups are so widespread, any place referred to could be your place!

I mean, it amazes me - so outside the Circle of Light as I am - that almost all of you are "blessed" to have both a BISHOP from the Pontifical North American Dance Academy and a BISHOP'S SECRETARY / MC / DRIVER / FLUNKY / PUPPY-DOG / EYE-CANDY / SPY / INTERCOM-LISTENING SNOOP / NASTY OFFICIOUS MESSAGE-LEAVER (calling his classmate: "Hello, Bill? This is Monsignor/Father Cerebro DeMerda. The Bishop asked me to call and tell/remind/order/ you..") Well, you get the idea. The job description goes on and on and on. And the obnoxious personalities abound. 

Here's two pictures sent to me by two completely different people in completely different life circumstances . . . but the pictures strike me as so similar you could give them the same title: TWIN LOSERS!
Could you imagine hiring either of either two people? All four spend their lives living off the kindness of the rest of us. Big difference? The two in the bottom picture are authentic and even seem a little likable! I'm thinking, if Jesus came walking along the road, you can tell right away which two He'd want to hang out with . . .

But I digress . . . back to my title, Big Days in Rome.

So yesterday was Someone Special's Feast Day! (At least in the Novus Ordo. If you're in the Abrogatus Ordo, we're talking September 3rd).

But in "Conciliar" Rome, as those fun-loving people-charmers of The Bishop Fellay Show call it, it was THE Feast Day of:
Saint Pius X
(gloriously reigned and notoriously excommunicated people left and right from 1903-1914
Was as nice to kids though as he was rough on theologians! That's why we all got to make so much money our First Holy Communions at age 7! And imagine having a hatchet-man named "Merry" del Val?! Oy!)

Guess who decided to really celebrate the feast in Rome? Saint Pius X's Current Successor!
The feast of Saint Pius X was celebrated in a special way this morning in Vatican. During the 7 o’clock Mass, Monsignor Lucio Bonora, from Treviso, who works in the Secretariat of State, presided at the eucharistic celebration at the altar of Saint Pius X in Saint Peter's Basilica - with a special believer sitting in one of the benches: Pope Francis! The Holy Father had been praying by the altar of Saint Pius X since early in the morning, and when the Mass started he stopped in order to participate, receveing the Embrace of Peace and Holy Communion from Don Lucio, after having stood in line with the believers who were approaching the Eucharist! At the end, the Celebrant invited the large number of people who had come in the meantime to entrust to Saint Pius X all the needs of their families and the Church, and particularly his successor, Pope Francis. A nice surprise, and a special gift for the Celebrant and the participating believers. The Pope himself, at the end of the celebration confided to Monsignor Bonora that he had prayed particularly for the catechists. In Argentina, Saint Pius X, the “Pope of the Catechism,” is the Patron of Catechists, and when the Pope was Archbishop of Buenos Aires, right on Saint Pius’ feast he always met with the catechists of his diocese. At the end of the celebration, Monsignor Bonora thanked the Pope, who said to him: “I came for a personal prayer, because I have already celebrated Mass, but then I saw you approaching the altar to celebrate and so I stopped . . .  I told you that I am devoted to Saint Pius X!” (Alessandra Cecchin in "Lavita del Popolo")

Hmm, not to celebrate Mass! Just to attend Mass. During which he exchanged the "Embrace" of Peace with the celebrant and the people around him? Has your priest wiped out the Sign of Peace yet by charging into the Lamb of God Agnus Dei? Hey, that's only right! How can you recognize Jesus' Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity in the Blessed Sacrament if you get distracted trying to recognize Him in the common ordinary people around you? And, according to the Italian article, Pope Francis "lined up" to receive Holy Communion!?! What YOUR Chancery Office's Pontifical North American Dance Academy grad - with or without his zucchetto and ring and pectoral cross already! - wants to know is: "on the tongue or in the hand?" "standing up or kneeling down?"

There'd be none of that at RETRO-rate's final destination: SSPX and Econe!
How would you like to be on the receiving end of The Bishop Fellay Show's Fickle Finger of Fate? With that red sand-paper glove. OUCH!

Speaking of the Pontifical North American Dance Academy and Econe, it was a big day at both places! And we've got the pictures to help you enjoy it as much as the actual participants did!

America's Best and Brightest Arrive!
Clap IN! Clap OUT!
(Clap During? Visit the Infirmary magna cum celeritate!)
Ecce quam bonum! Laetatus sum! Ad Deum qui laetificat iuventutem meam. Dies irae dies illa. Lacrimosa dies illa.

Serious looking eh?

Well, no worries! Because THAT is what RECREATION is for - in every Seminary!

My Spiritual Director used to tell me that as annoying as being at recreation was, it was just as important as being at Mass for building up my personal spirituality and the whole community's witness to Jesus and the togetherness that was experienced in the Holy Family's home at Nazareth, before it flew to Loreto.

Yeah. Right . . . it was a colossal pain in my then as-yet-not-so-colossal ass.

And things are JUST THE SAME at Econe:
Messy and sweaty in those Econe-Soutones! He! He! He!

Not so in Rome! Things are now way more sophisticated at the Pontifical North American Dance Academy!
Don't you hope YOUR Diocese is lucky enough to score acquire one of those two "Best and Brightest" as a genuine Holy-Spirit-chosen Successor of the Apostles?! Oh yeah, baby! Trippin' the light fantastic! Gonna pack those churches of the future to the rafters!

Imagine what Francis is saying in that picture? Any questions why he didn't even bother hanging around there for lunch the one day they talked him into visiting a place he'd never have sent his seminarians to while he was an Archbishop?

Well, I decided to go dig out a picture of MY old seminary faculty just to close this off . . . time to get the boat ready for more stipend scooping mission station visiting!

Ah those were the days! For them!
The one on the right received the Stigmata just before he died. Or one of the kitchen nuns went after him with a meat cleaver. We never found out for sure.
And for us!
So then this Hooker comes up to the Nun and says, "Hey, Sister, got a light? And the nun says . . . "
No tap dancing on our ranch, let me tell you! And there's a song my kids nephews and nieces were listening to the other day that would have been perfect as our own community song! In fact, it really might fit in with how you'd like to be remembered next time you visit YOUR local Chancery Office! Picture the Pontifical North American Dance Academy Bishop's Pontifical North American Dance Academy Flunkie outrunning your . . . holy water sprinkler! He! He! He!

Thursday, August 20, 2015


Saint Bernard of Clairvaux
1090 - August 20, 1153

O God,
you so inflamed the abbot Bernard
with zeal for your house
that he filled the Church with light and warmth;
grant through his intercession
that we may burn with the same spirit
and walk always as children of the light.
We ask this
through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son,
who lives and reigns with you
in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
God for ever an ever.
Sacramentary 1998

Well, Saint Bernard thought that the thought of Jesus was sweeter than honey on the tongue.

Clearly, he was into The Land Flowing With Milk and Honey

Which sure beats the hell out of what my diocese (and probably yours) is like, The Land Flowing With Scotch and Money.

Naturally, our dear friend, Father Gerard Manley Hopkins, S.J., "the Manly", took a shot at translating the hymn wisely attributed to Saint Bernard, Jesu Dulcis Memoria (even though one line of one verse got lost in his notes somewhere). Gerard knew how to push his superiors' buttons, and with his gifts for Latin and English, he sure as hell would never have made it onto the Vatican's Vox Obscura commission that produced the Missale Moronicum of 2011.

Enjoy! (Fits that Gregorian melody Sister M. Dolorosa taught us in 3rd grade!)

1. Jesus to cast one thought upon
Makes gladness after He is gone,
But more than honey and honeycomb
Is to come near and take Him home.

2. No music so can touch the ear,
No news is heard of such sweet cheer,
Thought half so dear there is not one
As Jesus God the Father's Son.

3. Jesu, their hope who go astray,
So kind to those who ask the way,
So good to those who look for Thee,
To those who find what must Thou be?

4. To speak of that no tongue will do
Nor letters suit to spell it true:
But they can guess who have tasted of
What Jesus is and what is love.

5. Jesu, a springing well Thou art,
Daylight to head and treat to heart,
And matched with Thee there' nothing glad
That men have wished for or have had.

6. Wish us Good Morning when we wake
And light us, Lord, with Thy day-break.
Beat from our brains the thicky night
And fill the world up with delight.

7. Who taste of Thee will hunger more,
Who drink be thirsty as before:
What else to ask they never know
But Jesus' self they love Him so.

8. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
And a sweet singing in the ear
And in the mouth a honey zest
And drinks of heaven in the breast.

9. Thou art the hope, Jesu, my sweet,
The soul has in its sighing-fit;
The loving tears on Thee are spent,
The inner cry for Thee is meant.

10. Be our delight, O Jesu, now
As by and by our prize art Thou,
And grant our glorying may be
World without end alone in Thee.

Traditional Latin Mass Version

Novus Ordo Version