Saturday, February 28, 2015

That's Banter!



What's your news, gossip (there is a difference-- Janet!) latest whim,fancy, rant or rave? Keep it clean (relatively) safe, sane (again, relatively) keeping the lines between fact, fiction and fantasy clear (relatively). 





Friday, February 27, 2015

NUT JOB SHARING: THE ANGLICAN PATRIMONY WAGGLES ITS FLABELLA

Multi-tasking. Ugh. I don't know about you, but I can't even uni-task anymore. Back on the Supine Farm, Reynaldo used to feed me and the birds, while simultaneously baking sticky buns for the UPS man with the hot buns. It was the only way we could get him to come in and sit awhile when he'd deliver all my Amazon wish list goodies paid for by brainless laity. I don't know what scared him off: my biretta and ferraiuolo (maybe I should have put my cassock on too) or Reynaldo's always-liturgically-correct colored thong! But I digress . . . 

So it amazes me that with ex-Pope Benedict's greatest legacy, the Anglican Fraudinariates, growing by leaps and bounds,


CAN YOU TELL WHICH PICTURES ARE REAL?
But, luv, which ones are the nuns?
their leading spokesman and advocate (and most prominent example of all that is good and mentally sound and emotionally stable and Mutually Enriching about the Anglican Patrimony)
has so much time to be so very angry and so super sarcastic about everything in the Church he jumped through all kinds of hoops (not nearly enough apparently) to get into so he could leave behind his utterly-null-and-absolutely-void past to be crowned Queen Cunniwicke.
Like I've said before, I don't go looking for this stuff. People send it my way. Like I have time with all this prayer and fasting and "taking the discipline"! (In the old "communal prayer" days when Reynaldo was here, we even "took the discipline" in common. And believe me, with so many things, it really is "more blessed to give than to receive.").

But when I saw those magic words

SWAP

WAGGLE

FLABELLA

Oh baby! Well Father D was all over it! 


So here's Cunniwicke's latest rant, with Father D's observations in red (just the way Cunniwicke's "admirable Father Zed" does it!):

Why don't people swap roles occasionally? (You know, I thought Cunniwicke was into that! Reynaldo was into "swapping" big time!)

Fr Lombardi could go riding around in airliners (just like Cunniwicke! He’ll fly anywhere as long as someone pays for it, adds a hefty stipend, and covers extra expenses!) making remarks to journalists (Cunniwicke’s stock in trade: remarks - snarky, snippy, bitchy, even cuntywicky); then the Holy Father could do the News Conferences explaining what the remarks had really meant (oh we think Reverend Mother knows exactly what the Holy Father really means!).

This year's Vatican Liturgical Schedule doesn't include the Holy Father presiding at the Mass of the Last Supper (Wrong, Reverend Mother. The Holy Father, whom you hate with a perfect hate: don’t you usually refer to him sarcastically as “our Beloved Holy Father” just to keep the Nuncio off Make-Believe-Bishop Keith Newton’s mitre lappets?
Say +Arthur,  +Martha,  +Ethel and +Gladys (you know who you are!),
now that's a Monsignor!
The Holy Father is presiding - a very Vatican II term, Reverend Mother! - at the Mass of the Lord’s Supper. Just not in his Cathedral. Or I guess you could say he’s moving Peter’s Chair to the peripheries, out among “the least ones,” and kneeling down to wash and kiss their feet. I know, I know - imagine replacing the glories of the Roman and Sarum customaries with the Gospel of Jesus Christ!).

Is Cardinal Burke (he’s the Patrimony’s real Pope, isn’t he? You can tell me! I won’t breathe a word!), il Cardinale volante, (Cardinal Sally Fields! The Flying Nun? Perfect!)

still free to step into this breach? If, by then, the Swiss Guard has been abolished (that would make it easier for Satan to answer your prayers now, wouldn’t it?), he could bring his Knights of Malta (that’s Knights of Moola) to the Lateran to provide Security. Juventutem (that’s the HitlerJugenTutem) could waggle flabella over the sedia gestatoria. (You know, Reverend Mother, if you spent more time waggling your flabella, it would be better for you, the Ordinariate, the Patrimony, and the whole world!) 

I wonder if the Bishop of Rome will be the only able-bodied Latin Rite diocesan bishop in the world not to celebrate the Mass of the Last Supper openly with his priests, deacons, and people? There will of course be sound precedents galore from the much more flexible age of the Renaissance papacy (we know you have no problems with the Renaissance, Reverend Mother Cunniwicke!)
it's praxis within the rather more rigid post-Vatican II dispensation that I'm curious about. (Do you mean the rigid post-Vatican II dispensation that allowed a bunch of nut jobs unwanted by anyone else to come in with all their facial hair, "wives", make-believe-bishops, and committee-constructed liturgy using the translation of an excommunicated heretical 16th century Archbishop? That rigid post-Vatican II dispensation?) 

Well, I think it’s obvious that Reverend Mother Cunniwicke has LOTS and LOTS of free time to wonder about all kinds of things that, if he’d only stayed where was, neither Anglican nor Roman but . . . well Cunniwickian . . . he’d be all set! 

Maybe it’s time for the rest of us who kind of like the post-Vatican II Church and our truly beloved Holy Father Pope Francis to facilitate Cunniwicke's return home! Or actually, as they say down at that funny bar where Reynaldo and I used to hang out (but never during Lent) with those strange dancers who talk a lot and walk a lot and even dress a lot like the Fraudinariate:


"You don't have to go home,
but you can't stay here!"

Just to ask the folks who should know: What gives with this angry Krazy Katholic Konvert?

Archdiocese of Westminster: Cardinal Vincent Nichols
46 Francis Street
London SW1P 1QJ
Telephone: (44-20)7798-9033
Fax: 7798-9077
enquiries@rcdow.org.uk

Apostolic Nuncio to Great Britain: Archbishop Antonio Mennini
54 Parkside, Wimbledon
London SW19 5NE
Telephone: (44-20)8944-7189
Fax: 8947-2494
nuntius@globalnet.co.uk

Personal Ordinariate of Our Lady of Walsingham: Monsignor Keith Newton
24 Golden Square
London W1F 9JR
Telephone (44-20)7740-5750
enquiries@ordinariate.org.uk


Thursday, February 26, 2015

TIN-FOIL HAT & BLACK HELICOPTERS OVERHEAD ALERT: FIVE CARDINALS' BOOK™ STOLEN FROM PARTICIPANTS' MAILBOXES AT LAST YEAR'S SYNOD ON FAMILY™!

The Latest Bergoglian Pontificate Konspiracy Kaper
from those
Krazy Katholic Konverts!

I have wanted to write about this for soooooo™ long now, but I’ve been eating soooooooooo™ much on your dime and flying around to soooooooooo™ many places on your dime and spending soooooooooo™ much time buying vestments and kissing sooooooooooo™ many asses . . . .
I finally broke this, in broken English HERE
Remember the Five Cardinals Book™? I tried selling the damn thing to anyone and everyone through my Keep-Father-Z-in-Laity-Funded-Trips-and-Laity-Paid-for-Freebies™ scam. One of the biggest bombs ever detonated by Frantic Father Fessio's Pugnatius Press™ - and think of the territory that covers!
In bookstores one day. At flea markets the next!
Remaining in the Tabernacle: Keeping Jesus Safely Locked Away From Divorced and Other Deviant Catholics helped to turn the tide – you do know what low tide smells like, right? – during last October’s Synod of Bishops.
It was simultaneously released in English, Italian, French, German and Spanish.  It is going to be issued in: Polish, Portuguese, Hungarian, Croatian, Slovak, and Czech, Tagalog, Lakota, Chinese (Mandarin and Beijinese),Ugaritic, Armenian, Bengali, Hindi, Belarusian, Macedonian, Serbian, Persian, Tamil, Bulgarian, Gujarati, Telugu, Middle Olde English (as found in Fraudinariate Liturgies), Esperanto, Farsi, Ge'ez, and Old Church Slavonic. All proceeds go to the Keep-Father-Z-in-Laity-Funded-Trips-and-Laity-Paid-for-Freebies™ scam.
We are designing a whole additional line of Father Z Fag-Swag™ mugs, tee-shirts, rings (fingers, toes, and other places) for Dumb Clerical Careerists and Their Even Dumber Laity Providers™. It contains essays of five cardinals, of the archbishop secretary of the Vatican congregation for the Oriental Churches, and of three scholars directed at the notions suggested by Walter Card. Kasper in the opening discourse of the consistory in February 2014 not to mention Jesus Christ in the Gospels. You know, all that crap about mercy, compassion, forgiveness, reconciliation, seeking out the lost, welcoming home, reintegration into the Church. It blew the Kasper and Jesus proposals and arguments out of the water.
You will also remember that the Synod Members Who Hate Pope Francis and Can’t Believe Burke Didn’t Get Cardinal Scola Elected™ members were up in arms because of the manipulations and machinations of the staff of the Synod office, a.k.a. the Curial insiders who always got their way before while poor old Benny was writing books and the butler was working for them?  Remember all the controversies about how the mid-term report was produced?  About certain strange paragraphs that didn’t reflect the agenda of the Synod Members Who Hate Pope Francis and Can’t Believe Burke Didn’t Get Cardinal Scola Elected™ but sounded a lot more like Jesus Christ than Cardinal Müller?
There’s more. (God I used to love the way Reynaldo would say that after the fifth margarita!)
Here is something of the story that you don’t know, because at the time it couldn’t be told.
The people who crafted the Five Cardinals Book™ wanted to make sure that we they made a shitload of money and that Synod members had copies, at least in English or Italian, as the Synod was starting up. Therefore, they sent copies to every member of the Synod (quite a few) through the Italian post to each member’s personal mailbox near the Synod Hall which was set up individually by the Vatican Post. A similar scam they pulled off in 2005 worked when they got a dossier full of lies about Cardinal Bergoglio’s supposed complicity with the military during Argentina’s “dirty war” and Benny popped out on the balcony to Reform the Reform. What happened this time?
The International Sleep Foundation™ tried this book out on a variety of audiences.
First, they ran it by the Vatican's Imprimatur Commission™: 

Next, at a local Convent known for keeping strenuous all-night Vigils with no problem at all:



Then, up to New Nausea where Father Ca$h-in Follofhimselfis busy brewing beer for his favorite Pope and broadcasting the monastic life hidden with God in Christ all over the worldwide web (picture taken before the afternoon beer tasting testing):



Then, they tried it out on selected Catholic laity:

Next, they had some military people give it a shot:


Some traveling Catholic businessmen (happily married, we might add, not adulterous sluts like the type Kasper and Francis want to give Jesus back to):

Finally, they thought: "Since we all had to read his shit stuff, he can damn well read ours!

Ooooops!
So, while the admirable Father Z’s Tin-foil Hat Black Helicopter Brigade thinks: that’s how frightening the Book is to those who want to overturn the Church’s punitive practice and replace it with the Gospel . . . . the real truth is, the Five Cardinals Book™ is, well, Frank-ly (see what I did there?) a pretty boring piece of shit! 
Italian Vaticanisti and I-Hate-Pope-Francis-Just-As-Much-As All-The-Other-Nut-Jobs-In-The-Right-Wing-Krazy-Katholic-Blogsphere-Do™, Manfred "Da Mann" Ferrari, indicates that the heist was ordered by Card. Baldisseri, who is the head of the office of the Synod of Bishops.
"This episode took place in the Vatican and not in the Kremlin. As I told it to a friend who, in those days, traveled back to Africa, he smiled at me mildly and said, “Manfred, what’s bothering you. Here in South Sudan things aren’t any better …" God, I just love those erudite traddies, don't you? So witty . . . eh, eh, eh
At the end of the piece, Ferrari adds: Maybe I was just Blinded By The Light
[CUE DIABOLICAL SURPRISE MUSIC HERE]


Wrapped up like a... Well like a Reverend Mother Cunniwicke.
If you're looking for a real Lenten penance,
hear her discuss the Fraudinariatehere!


Hey, why not order a real book worth reading - and piss off the idiots at the same time? Well, pre-order actually:


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

FEEDING ME FEED: WINDY CITY EDITION BABY



Where I am, where the only Bishop dumb enough so desperate for priests extraordinarily brave enough to take me in and kindly give me a roof over my head and a toilet seat under my ass and put me to work, yet allowing me to still have no real accountability as long as I kiss his considerably broad . . .  there is no good Chinese food, nor any good Deli. It is a hardship. It is only thanks to the dumb ass laity kind and generous readers that I am able to get by. By getting the hell out of the dump. So it was off to Chicago, where the Cardinal who looks like Colonel Klink and doesn't like the Pope almost as much as I don't has just been replaced by one of those Pope Francis, Jesus-loves-everybody types we never used to get when that Truman Capote look-alike Knights of Moola Cardinal was calling the shots. Bet this one doesn't even have gloves (or a matching purse for that matter).


Speaking of clerics (since all that any real, traditional, valid Catholic cleric needs the laity for is to provide spending $$$), when we went to have lunch, it was at Manny’s on the South Side.

I was much consoled, since where I live there is a plentiful lack of good Chinese food and good Deli (maybe if I keep repeating this, Madison will get the idea). The pastrami wasn’t up to the standard of the Pastrami Queen in Manhattan, (that's what Father calls his buddy that lanky creepy ex-Anglcan dude with the Pontiff 99 Collar and the fake British accent in NYC) but it was good. 

So, when I get to Chicago, I really enjoy finding some good Chinese fare at what must be one of the best restaurants in the country. It is the best I’ve had in these USA.

We started with some cabbage pickled in really hot stuff as we looked over the menu and discussed our options. After chowing down on the spicy pickled cabbage, Father's temporary digs became Windy and Burning. Oh mamma! This is to make the trip to the Chicago Art Institute really FARTSY artsy. 

There were only two of us and it is Lent, so we kept it light.


Tony's Chicken

 Mo Fo Tofu
Garlic Eggplant 

 Oodles of Noodles baby!



Of course, you're never happy with what you get.  "Father, did you  try the World Famous Chicago Style Hot Dogs?"



Yeah, yeah yeah. (Damn, that looks familiar. All of it. Hmm.)

Father tried one of each.




They were pretty spiffy, Father guesses, but they're hot dogs! Just with "fancy" stuff on top. Gee whiz!  I can get this crap even in Madison. Do you really want me spending your hard earned money stuffing random tube shaped mystery meat in my mouth?

When people point out the obvious (that I'm a fat fraud who is doing very little unpaid praying and even less fasting during Lent), I block them from commenting. But not adoring fanny-swabbers like this fool:


B Knotts says:25 February 2015 at 9:54 am 
Hopefully, while in Chicago, you get a chance to have an Italian Beef.

Check.

and check.

As I always say, PBrick By PBrick. And I thought the Spotted Dick I gobbled down in London was "fit for a Queen!" This one came with its own hot sauce, so to speak. (I hope Reynaldo is seeing this).



I know Father Z would want this closing hymn sung in the original Latin, but I didn't bring my Liber Useless to Chicago this trip. So let's lower ourselves to using the vernacular. From the Missa Luba:





GO. TO. CONFESSION.
(Send me money)

HAVE A JOYFUL LENT: "TRADITIONAL" vs TRADITION

EVANGELII GAUDIUM
When it comes to trudging through another miserable Lent, no one does it better than the Krazy Katholic Konverts. From those poor sad dears over at RETROrate, who every day move further along, down the road to Econe, comes this "traditionalist" approach to Lent:

An overindulged spirit dislikes honey, and is distasted with manna, raving after the rotten pots of Egypt. There are some who vomit up their sins as the sea cockles, to swallow them again. Their life is nothing but an ebbing and flowing of sins, and their most innocent thoughts are a disposition to iniquity.

Whew! Talk about "The Grim Jesuit," some manic depressive 17th century "Confessor to Kings" now "Mentor to Queens," if you get my drift. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

By the way, small correction, they call their post the Sign of Jonah, when any true "traditionalist" knows that real Roman Catholics (pre-Vatican II) always used JONAS. Same name as those cute singing brothers Reynaldo used to collect posters of . . . but I digress.

Saint Benedict (c. 480 - c. 543)
Then there's the real Tradition represented by Saint Benedict and considerably earlier than The Grim Jesuit:

During these (Lenten) days, therefore,
let us increase somewhat the usual burden of our service,
as by private prayers and by abstinence in food and drink.
Thus everyone of his own will may offer God
"with joy of the Holy Spirit" (1 Thessalonians 1:6)
something above the measure required of him.
From his body, that is
he may withhold some food, drink, sleep, talking and jesting;
and with the joy of spiritual desire
he may look forward to holy Easter.

Or as the Missale Romanum of Paul VI puts it, presenting that same Tradition for the People of God today:

For by your gracious gift each year
your faithful await the sacred paschal feasts
with the joy of minds made pure,
so that, more eagerly intent on prayer
and on the works of charity,
and participating in the mysteries
by which they have been reborn,
they may be led to the fullness of grace
that you bestow on your sons and daughters.

See a common thread there? An authentic Tradition?

I don't know about you, but I'm all set with "vomiting up sea cockles and swallowing them again." Think I'll stick to that "joy of the Holy Spirit" stuff.

A joyful Lent to you and yours from me and mine!

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

THE REFORM OF THE REFORM OF THE REFORM

ROMAN CURIA LENTEN RETREAT 2013



ROMAN CURIA LENTEN RETREAT 2015






HEADS EXPLODING after 2013 became 2015


You will ask why no nonsense from Francis was published today.
The answer is that it appears the man has gone in mini-retreat in Ariccia, a nice place outside Rome (note here: not Castengandolfo; that’s too much “Renaissance Prince”), with some of his bravi.
This one being a Jesuit, it is sold as a “penitential retreat”. Which, seen that we aren’t stupid, means that it is a strategic retreat to discuss in peace and without unwanted ears with his fedelissimi about what to do in the months to come.
What to do, then? Continue with the “offensive of mercy” and hope both the bishops and the laity decide it’s the convenient thing to do, therefore they will support Francis? Or elaborate an elegant exit plan, by which the social issues and bla bla are slowly allowed to completely take the place of the Communion For Adulterers row?
We shall see.
Ariccia is very famous for two things: the porchetta and the bridge. The first is a traditional pork roast, of which the place is the undisputed capital. The second is a very tall, actually beautiful bridge, once notorious (and still known) for the suicides, and aptly called by the people “ponte dei suicidi”.
That website will tell you about all you really need to know when it comes to the Traditional Catholic Movement. All right there in a NUTshell.

About the Author of that blog in his own words: You’ll have understood by now that this is no place for misguided ecumenism, false kindness or diluted Catholicism. This is the blog of a conservative Catholic. A very conservative one. This blog’s aim is to allow true, traditional, unadulterated, strictly orthodox Catholic doctrine to be made available in a world suffocating more and more in political correctness and “feel-good”, “everything goes”, “let us not upset anyone” so-called Catholicism.





Monday, February 23, 2015

Lenten Stational Nuts: KRUIZIN' THE KRAZY KATHOLIC KONVERT BLOGOSPHERE

Are you saying to yourself, "Father D, I know I should do penance, but it's so . . . well, penitential. You're practically a Monsignor in Merkin (look it up) Voris' "Church of Nice," right? So how about a Lenten penance that's fun and easy?"

Well, my little morsels, Father D is all over it, or as that Uptown Funk Priest Dude would say, Fo' Sho', Ma Shizzle Bro (I wanted to use another word here but people are so darn sensitive)! (ewww . . . ).

And we're goin' Traddie Catholic Old-School, "Reform of the (Mentally Unbalanced) Reform" taking our cue from the Lenten Stational Churches in the abrogated Timeless-But-Only-Timeless-Since-1570 Missale Romanum, where each day of Lent was celebrated at a "Stational Church."

Yup, we're going to visit four of everyone's favorite Stational Nuts:


Father D's Lenten Penance
Made Fun & Easy:
Kruizin' the Krazy Katholic Konvert Blogosphere


*****

Lenten Stational Nut I: RETROrate




Surely, they meant ALL MEN, like the book title has it? Don't tell me Bitter Bag of Onions has been infected with inclusive language from his utterly-null-and-absolutely-void days?

Long answer short, via their own graphic:

NO! DAMN IT!
AND
DAMN YOU TOO!
(Gosh if that picture doesn't remind me of the Sister of Mercy DREs who biked into the Supine Farm way back when, butts and tats and all). Reynaldo taught those "dudes" a thing or two!)


*****

Lenten Stational Nut II: Reverend Mother M. John Cunniwicke's Coven of Contentious Canterburians



Uh . . . don't look now, luv, but the answer is neither!

PRETTY IN PINK
The Ordinariate's Sacerdotal Singers:
a.k.a "Thy Serene and Kindly Gays"
(Name adapted from the Patrimony's sacred style translation of Canon Missae superior to everyone else's version - you're damn lucky we became Catholics and don't forget it)

(As to Mother Cunniwicke's other question in that post, "We weren't very nice people, were we?" The answer to that is easy: weren't nice, aren't nice, never shall be nice. You're you, you miserable old fart. We impoverished cradle Catholics are just waiting to see what we got out of the deal of bringing you in except one terrific pain in the arse.)


*****

Lenten Stational Nut III: The Deeply-Closeted But Increasingly Obvious Sodomy-Obsessed Mundy-Bore



The usual from this Krazy Katholic Konvert: "I hate Pope Francis because he's too nice to gays of which I am not now, never have been, never thought of being, couldn't ever possibly be one cuz' I'm so manly and straight . . . blah, blah, blah . . . " Right, Gloria!
"Gloria" Mundy-Bore as Pollyanna

*****

Lenten Stational Nut IV: "The Admirable Father Z(ed)!"

Through the miracle of modern technology, I was able to get my hands on get ahold of to retrieve the ORIGINAL version of what later appeared in a cleaned up version here.

Take it away Fr Z (original text in red - hey just like over at his blog!)


ACTION ITEM: Let’s get a custom jockstap for a Swiss Guard.

I have a project for us all.

When I was in Rome last October with a pilgrimage group of mentally unbalanced weirdos for the Summorum Pontificum Pilgrimage, which you dumb laity readers paid for, several thousand kilos of pasta and endless liters of wine included (there is another coming up this October – start sending me money now, you cheap bastards!), we had a private tour of the barracks of the Swiss Guards.

From my visit to the Swiss Guard barracks in October 2014.
The tour that day was conducted by the fiancee of one of the Corporals of the Guard.   Was I insanely jealous? Of her, that is? Is the Bishop of Madison obese? Does the Pope shit on my Traddie Obsession? They are now married, by the way.  Damn it! 

When we were in the armory, she explained how uncomfortable the jockstraps are for the men, because they are not individually crafted.   Imagine. Holy merde by the truckload, baby, did I imagine! I imagined so much I had to



GO TO CONFESSION!

But I digress . . . 

However, she said that her fiancee, now husband, the Corporal wanted to get an individually fitted jockstrap.

It would coast 6000 Euro, which was out of their reach on a guard’s salary. That reminded me of how many things were out of my reach. So again I had to


GO TO CONFESSION!

However, my heart melted - and a few other bodily organs did some amazing somersaults, needless to say - when I imagined what those guards would look like all custom-fitted by yours truly. Even the fact that she said it would have Saint Sergius on the front and Saint Bacchus on the back didn't help much.
I had an idea. Actually I had several ideas. I couldn't keep the ideas from coming. I did not entertain these ideas. They entertained me! So once again I had to


GO TO CONFESSION!


What if we could find, world-wide, say, 60 gullible idiots who would PayPal to my almost empty account €100 (c. $114) for this project?

My suggestion would be that, if it isn’t too much trouble, perhaps the names of the people who donated could then be inscribed either inside the jockstrap itself or on some part of the case for it.  Just thinking. Don't worry, I'll check each one after each Guard has it on just to make sure it fits properly and they spelled the donor's name right.


Does this appeal? Sure as shit appeals to me. This might even get Reynaldo to come home.



The donations would be made through MY PayPal to a specially created account for ME to HAND DELIVER at least to the cute Swiss Guards.  Right now the dollar is quite strong against the the euro.  Right now my account is emptier than a Novus Ordo convent at Mass time. This is a good time. And a good time will be had - by all. Or at least by me. And isn't that what's it all about? Me - and good times for me paid for by you?

Just say, "Yes, Father, because you are ontologically so superior to us and we are barely worthy to provide funding for your every wish!" Now:



GO TO CONFESSION!


You know, if my only choice for worship was Solemn High None with the Patronal Troll of the Knights of Moola at the Faldstool next to the Tabernacle under the Ombrellino behind the newly-constructed Sacrarium next to the shelf of rapidly accumulating fag-swag like the latest rip-off-the-braindead-laity mugs with Latin words on them . . . or going to Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show?

No contest! Brother Love would win every time!

(Why, Brother Love even mentions ministering to others!)